Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,
We have recently noticed a change with my BIL particularly with regard to behaviour and communication. Hes 27 and lives at home with his parents (always has). He is one of 3 boys (including my husband, and i would be lying if i said they all were not spoiled through childhood, by that i mean no household responsibilities, waited on, etc.
However, recently they have been navigating a house move which brings considerable stress. My MIL has said she woud like for her and her husband to travel as they have not been away alone for over 27 years.
My brother in law refuses. And states he will be going. My husband tries to intervene, however hes responded to with foul language and i believe by that stage people just wish to difuse a situation.
I suppose im wondering is there anything we can do to support the transition? I would like to this this wpuld lead to conversation around moving out, or for future plans (eg after parent death) as they have never been discussed. I am trying to mitigate any major family fallout
Any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated.
Yellow tree 118 said:Why would they be making a post about their brother in law on a forum for autistic advice if he wasn’t autistic? Lol
It is quite possibld the poster is autistic, doesn't understand relationships well and is looking for advice as an autist. They never specified if he was autistic and I would be an ass to just assume (pointed out by others in the past on this very forum).
Yellow tree 118 said:I will never forgive her.
I'm sorry this was you experience. The OP points out how spoiled the family were by the parents so it does not feel relevant to their situation / question.
Yellow tree 118 said:Well of course he is unable to deal with life on his own I mean he is disabled.
Read the other posts from the OP - they do not describe him as having significant need for support, hence my recommendation of looking at ways to get over his spoiled brat meets autistic issues behaviour.
I took time to listen to their needs, ask questions to get the appropriate context and offer a possible way forward. It may not feel good because of your personal trauma but I stand by my advice based on what was asked for.
The alternative would be for the parents to have to give up all of the remainder of their lives to look after the son when it appears he has the capacity to be able to be independent. Is it fair for 2 people who have already sacreficed so much to endure this until they die? That, my friend, is brutal and cold.
I'm autistic , it comes with a huge share of issues however I'm functioning well outwardly. I wasn't diagnosed as a kid and wasn't that self aware , I would have stayed at my parents a long time without motivation to move out, which came in the form of a girlfriend, now my wife, who I've been with for 26 years, we met when I was 23 and had a home together within about a year.
Familiar surroundings, routine, comfortable and safe feelings, all keep us from moving. It's logical, why create more effort when we're ok where we are? This coupled with and exaggerated by things like PDA and low self confidence will keep someone from wanting to move out of the nest.
Approach it carefully and talk about it as much as you can, but don't make him feel like he's being pushed or it's being demanded of him. Make him see that some independence is for his benefit and also that people will continue to provide that safety and support no matter what he does. Be patient, he'll find it distressing.
And he is autistic. The person who created the post clearly stated this. Why would they be making a post about their brother in law on a forum for autistic advice if he wasn’t autistic? Lol
Yeh but the parents maybe the authority in the family but what happens when they lose capacity to make decisions? Then it falls n to the children. How are the children going to feel when they have been evicted by their own parents? I was evicted by my mother and now I haven’t spoken to her in 3 years she doesn’t deserve a son like me. I don’t care if I came out of her womb it doesn’t matter. She did nothing for me and left me to fend for myself so she can live the rest of her life with no son I will never forgive her. The things you have described are quite brutal and cold. You said ‘if he is unable to deal with life on his own’. Well of course he is unable to deal with life on his own I mean he is disabled.
NAS94671 said:he is autistic, however is high functioning (job etc), and lots of ability.
Then I think it is likely a combination of him having difficulty with change, possibly Pathalogical Demand Avoidance and probably anxiety about the unknown ahead.
If you can get him to work with a therapist it would probably be ideal (one who is specialised in autism) but I would support your parents in being firm about the move being set in stone.
Keep the focus on all things about the move going ahead and do not give any space to the discussion about it being called off - this will help him avoid the "what if" scenarios that he may want to cling to.
Sell the positives about the move - more privacy, greater independence, being more attractive to a mate etc. If he can find some of these to latch onto then it will help pull him to work on those plans.
I guess some of this is manipulative but it isn't just about him so he needs to understand he is being treated like anyone else would be. Maybe make the "fairness" to your parents a discussion point after all the years they looked after him.
Im sorry if thats how the post came across. Being honest, i think he has been shielded which again has resulted in his detriment (i.e loss of full independence). He has so much scope to be independent, he holds down a job, travels to and from etc. However then reverts to this challenging ways when things dont go his way. Which i assume is related changes in environment in recent years?
However, it is always useful to see others peespective, however OG post was a genuine request to help navigate this issue with all parties in mind.
Apologies yes he is autistic, however is high functioning (job etc), and lots of ability. I think it was a case of everyone doing best they could at the time, so maybe these are next steps. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
Yellow tree 118 said:he has been permanently disabled for the rest of his life.
The OP never said he was disabled or autistic though.
Assuming he in NT, I would advocate the blunt approach and tell him he has until a set date to find himself a new place or he will be evicted. He has no rights that I am aware of (ie no rent contract) and he has been given ample time and opportunity ro sort himself out.
He sounds like a spoiled brat if he is NT.
However, if her is autistic then he has a different set of needs and is likely to need someone to help him with the transition. A therapist to help him with the anxiety and dealing with change, a practical person (think project manager) to help him plan the move and understand what is going to happen, and finally some support for him post move if he is unable to deal with life on his own.
Ultimately the issue is one for the parents to address - they are the authority in the family and the technically responsible people for the property so they will need to take the steps to evict him if needed.
The therapist is probably also the person best suited to discuss the "what about future plans / death etc" questions.
I can’t blame your brother in law. I mean he has been permanently disabled for the rest of his life. Who thinks about him? It’s always about the neurotypical person whose life is being ruined by the autistic person. I really feel sorry for him. I mean he didn’t chose to be autistic. Someone has to be responsible for that surely.