Teenage son won't accept my new partner

I can't really give advice on this matter as I felt exactly the same when I was younger.  Thankfully me and my sister always did enough to put off any future relationship for mum .

I wasn't as bothered once I grew up and moved on.  Looking back maybe people would see it as selfish but I really didn't like the thought of a stranger or anyone else other than my dad being near my place of comfort.

Thank you for all your thoughts, it's good to hear all perspectives even if they're difficult to hear. I'll be considering them very carefully.

Your son already had shared his thoughts and feelings on this matter though. He's already stated that he wants his home to be his sanctuary, and he doesn't want to be fake around people. However, his feelings are disregarded for the sake of your own, and then you wonder why he's been withdrawn, resentful, and distant towards you? 

The thing is, your son didn't consent to having this man in the house. And not for 6 nights straight, every fortnight. That's a long time. And if I was your son, I'd feel uncomfortable knowing that some guy was in my house for 6 nights with my mother in a room, every fortnight. That's an uncomfortable thought. And then your son has to act fake about it? And then at family gatherings, he's expected to continue to act fake around this guy? If this guy is already coming into the house 6 nights every fortnight, and your son dislikes it already, then why would that change outside the house?

You're the one who has the keys, you're the one who's allowing this man access into your home, which your son dislikes. It's not that the man is breaking and entering, it's you who is allowing this to happen. So your son's resentment falls on you. But obviously, you're trying to find love, you might want to marry this wonderful guy one day, but is allowing this man access into your home without your son's consent, the right way to go about it? 

Why are you trying to change your son, to diagnose him with something, to make him accept something that he doesn't accept? If you're at all concerned about your son, you'd take his words into consideration, and respect them. Make other arrangements with that man. Go on a movie date. Why does that man have to stay over 6 days? 

I hope everything works out.

Thank you very much for your thoughts. I will think through them all very carefully as they're all very important

How high are his support needs?

What are the thoughts and feelings of this new person towards the son?

What contact have they had with the son directly so far?

Which relationship, if you had to choose, is the more important to you?

What plans are there for him when he reaches him maturity?

He may feel terrified because of very basic things that an adult would have to face that he is not prepared for?

Find him support in this time of transition. I can relate

Yes I have a lot of work to do. I'll need to persevere with my reassurance even if it feels like it's not having any impact.

That is the difficult part. I think your son needs reassurance, reassurance that you remain committed to him and his welfare, reassurance that no major future upheaval is lurking around the corner.

Thank you for such a detailed response. It's given me plenty to think about.

It’s sounds like he doesn’t connect with this new chap. He’s not wrong, if I’m brutally honest, I’ve dated men in the past my son did not like. I wasn’t always at liberty to leave for financial reasons. 

At this point in life though, even though I’ve stopped dating after recognising immense differences between autistic and non- I won’t ever date someone my son doesn’t feel safe around. When he was young he was my first responsibility. The right other would find that attractive and do whatever it takes. 

Males tend to be able to sense things in one another females cannot catch till much later. A mature and caring person might recognise the difficulties a young kid is having and go above and beyond to earn their respect. 

Being autistic the social field is a a mine field. There is SUCH a lack of understanding we communicate and are even motivated differently. Your son may not want one new person exerting his expectations and competitive standards in place where he’s finally able to let his guard down.

as for “feelings” many of us cannot share them even if we desperately wanted to. Alexithymeia is an internal difficulty attaching words to feelings producing emotions. It’s the same mechanism attempting to attach the correct vocabulary to anything and we aren’t often taught interception skills unless we’re part of judo, karate or yoga, dance. 

Expect better from the new partner maybe? After all, they’re the grown adult in this :)

Thank you. That makes sense because he has said that he feels resentful towards me. I don't know whether he's trying to get revenge, or just wants to stay in his safe space so that he feels comfortable. 

Do you have any advice about how I might handle it?

Autists like continuity and dislike change. I suspect that much of your son's behaviour is not directed at your partner, but is directed at you. He probably harbours feelings of grievance against, and betrayal towards, you. Not accepting and not interacting with your new partner is a very powerful means of revenge. I imagine that he sees you having a new relationship as you putting your own interests before his and resents it.

Thank you, I really appreciate hearing your thoughts. 

Going to a therapist would be great. At the moment he's closed off to anything like that, but maybe he will come around.

Yes it’s a difficult situation, it’s good that your partner is understanding and not pushing anything. It must be difficult to see your son struggling but it’s also your life and you deserve to be happy with the man you love. Maybe you could go with your son to a therapist?

Hello, thanks very much for your response. At first my son did join in with some activities with my partner, but he said he got to a point where he decided that he just shouldn't have to, so now just stays in his room. Now he'll only do things with me if it's just me and him.

But he says he feels lonely being on his own (he doesn't socialise with friends outside of school), so it's a no-win situation for him and it hurts me so much as well, to see him unhappy.

My partner knows about the suspected autism and doesn't push things in any way. He just says hello and tries to make conversation when their paths cross.

Hi I understand your son, but I also understand you. I think he needs more time to accept the fact that your partner comes and will come. If your son has his own room, maybe it would be helpful to make agreement with him, that he can stay there in his sanctuary, maybe (if you didn’t try it yet) you can try to make him come to spend some little time with both of you and your partner, but in a way to not push him, to let him know that whenever he feels uncomfortable, he can go back. I know that his room is not the whole space in the house because there are also shared spaces that he must share with the “stranger”. Maybe also trying to do some of your sons favorite activities together with your partner would be helpful (if not tried yet)? I understand the need for being comfortable in my own home and the feeling that I have to pretend in front of someone. Did you tell your partner that you suspect your son is autistic? If your son does not hate your partner for who he is, but feels uncomfortable because he doesn’t know him well, then I think that if he start feeling familiar with your partner, the problem may be solved or at least easier for your son to accept. I’m sorry I don’t have anything else in mind.