Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, new to this forum and would be so grateful for your perspectives on this...
My son is 17 and although not diagnosed as autistic I strongly suspect that he is high functioning. A couple of years ago I split up with my previous partner after 13 years. For the last 1 and a half years I've been with someone new and my relationship with him is everything I dreamed of. He spends 6 nights in every fortnight staying with us.
My son refuses to accept the change and says he resents me for forcing this on him. He wants his home to be his sanctuary where he doesn't have to be fake around people, which I totally understand. He doesn't have any problem with my partner as a person, it's just that he doesn't want any 'outsiders' here.
I make it clear that I'm always available to him, whether or not my new partner is here, but he refuses to be around him or to go to family gatherings if he's there. So I now avoid family gatherings, which is not what I want at all, for any of us. He also barely talks to me if I try to engage with him while my partner's not around.
I don't know what to do. My son is very withdrawn and doesn't like to share his feelings.
Thank you so much for any advice.
Your son already had shared his thoughts and feelings on this matter though. He's already stated that he wants his home to be his sanctuary, and he doesn't want to be fake around people. However, his feelings are disregarded for the sake of your own, and then you wonder why he's been withdrawn, resentful, and distant towards you?
The thing is, your son didn't consent to having this man in the house. And not for 6 nights straight, every fortnight. That's a long time. And if I was your son, I'd feel uncomfortable knowing that some guy was in my house for 6 nights with my mother in a room, every fortnight. That's an uncomfortable thought. And then your son has to act fake about it? And then at family gatherings, he's expected to continue to act fake around this guy? If this guy is already coming into the house 6 nights every fortnight, and your son dislikes it already, then why would that change outside the house?
You're the one who has the keys, you're the one who's allowing this man access into your home, which your son dislikes. It's not that the man is breaking and entering, it's you who is allowing this to happen. So your son's resentment falls on you. But obviously, you're trying to find love, you might want to marry this wonderful guy one day, but is allowing this man access into your home without your son's consent, the right way to go about it?
Why are you trying to change your son, to diagnose him with something, to make him accept something that he doesn't accept? If you're at all concerned about your son, you'd take his words into consideration, and respect them. Make other arrangements with that man. Go on a movie date. Why does that man have to stay over 6 days?
I hope everything works out.
Thank you for all your thoughts, it's good to hear all perspectives even if they're difficult to hear. I'll be considering them very carefully.