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Teenage son won't accept my new partner

NAS93800

Hello, new to this forum and would be so grateful for your perspectives on this...

My son is 17 and although not diagnosed as autistic I strongly suspect that he is high functioning. A couple of years ago I split up with my previous partner after 13 years. For the last 1 and a half years I've been with someone new and my relationship with him is everything I dreamed of. He spends 6 nights in every fortnight staying with us.

My son refuses to accept the change and says he resents me for forcing this on him. He wants his home to be his sanctuary where he doesn't have to be fake around people, which I totally understand. He doesn't have any problem with my partner as a person, it's just that he doesn't want any 'outsiders' here.

I make it clear that I'm always available to him, whether or not my new partner is here, but he refuses to be around him or to go to family gatherings if he's there. So I now avoid family gatherings, which is not what I want at all, for any of us. He also barely talks to me if I try to engage with him while my partner's not around.

I don't know what to do. My son is very withdrawn and doesn't like to share his feelings.

Thank you so much for any advice.

Parents

  • It’s sounds like he doesn’t connect with this new chap. He’s not wrong, if I’m brutally honest, I’ve dated men in the past my son did not like. I wasn’t always at liberty to leave for financial reasons. 

    At this point in life though, even though I’ve stopped dating after recognising immense differences between autistic and non- I won’t ever date someone my son doesn’t feel safe around. When he was young he was my first responsibility. The right other would find that attractive and do whatever it takes. 

    Males tend to be able to sense things in one another females cannot catch till much later. A mature and caring person might recognise the difficulties a young kid is having and go above and beyond to earn their respect. 

    Being autistic the social field is a a mine field. There is SUCH a lack of understanding we communicate and are even motivated differently. Your son may not want one new person exerting his expectations and competitive standards in place where he’s finally able to let his guard down.

    as for “feelings” many of us cannot share them even if we desperately wanted to. Alexithymeia is an internal difficulty attaching words to feelings producing emotions. It’s the same mechanism attempting to attach the correct vocabulary to anything and we aren’t often taught interception skills unless we’re part of judo, karate or yoga, dance. 

    Expect better from the new partner maybe? After all, they’re the grown adult in this :)

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  • It’s sounds like he doesn’t connect with this new chap. He’s not wrong, if I’m brutally honest, I’ve dated men in the past my son did not like. I wasn’t always at liberty to leave for financial reasons. 

    At this point in life though, even though I’ve stopped dating after recognising immense differences between autistic and non- I won’t ever date someone my son doesn’t feel safe around. When he was young he was my first responsibility. The right other would find that attractive and do whatever it takes. 

    Males tend to be able to sense things in one another females cannot catch till much later. A mature and caring person might recognise the difficulties a young kid is having and go above and beyond to earn their respect. 

    Being autistic the social field is a a mine field. There is SUCH a lack of understanding we communicate and are even motivated differently. Your son may not want one new person exerting his expectations and competitive standards in place where he’s finally able to let his guard down.

    as for “feelings” many of us cannot share them even if we desperately wanted to. Alexithymeia is an internal difficulty attaching words to feelings producing emotions. It’s the same mechanism attempting to attach the correct vocabulary to anything and we aren’t often taught interception skills unless we’re part of judo, karate or yoga, dance. 

    Expect better from the new partner maybe? After all, they’re the grown adult in this :)

Children