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Teenage son won't accept my new partner

NAS93800

Hello, new to this forum and would be so grateful for your perspectives on this...

My son is 17 and although not diagnosed as autistic I strongly suspect that he is high functioning. A couple of years ago I split up with my previous partner after 13 years. For the last 1 and a half years I've been with someone new and my relationship with him is everything I dreamed of. He spends 6 nights in every fortnight staying with us.

My son refuses to accept the change and says he resents me for forcing this on him. He wants his home to be his sanctuary where he doesn't have to be fake around people, which I totally understand. He doesn't have any problem with my partner as a person, it's just that he doesn't want any 'outsiders' here.

I make it clear that I'm always available to him, whether or not my new partner is here, but he refuses to be around him or to go to family gatherings if he's there. So I now avoid family gatherings, which is not what I want at all, for any of us. He also barely talks to me if I try to engage with him while my partner's not around.

I don't know what to do. My son is very withdrawn and doesn't like to share his feelings.

Thank you so much for any advice.

Parents

  • Hi I understand your son, but I also understand you. I think he needs more time to accept the fact that your partner comes and will come. If your son has his own room, maybe it would be helpful to make agreement with him, that he can stay there in his sanctuary, maybe (if you didn’t try it yet) you can try to make him come to spend some little time with both of you and your partner, but in a way to not push him, to let him know that whenever he feels uncomfortable, he can go back. I know that his room is not the whole space in the house because there are also shared spaces that he must share with the “stranger”. Maybe also trying to do some of your sons favorite activities together with your partner would be helpful (if not tried yet)? I understand the need for being comfortable in my own home and the feeling that I have to pretend in front of someone. Did you tell your partner that you suspect your son is autistic? If your son does not hate your partner for who he is, but feels uncomfortable because he doesn’t know him well, then I think that if he start feeling familiar with your partner, the problem may be solved or at least easier for your son to accept. I’m sorry I don’t have anything else in mind. 

Reply

  • Hi I understand your son, but I also understand you. I think he needs more time to accept the fact that your partner comes and will come. If your son has his own room, maybe it would be helpful to make agreement with him, that he can stay there in his sanctuary, maybe (if you didn’t try it yet) you can try to make him come to spend some little time with both of you and your partner, but in a way to not push him, to let him know that whenever he feels uncomfortable, he can go back. I know that his room is not the whole space in the house because there are also shared spaces that he must share with the “stranger”. Maybe also trying to do some of your sons favorite activities together with your partner would be helpful (if not tried yet)? I understand the need for being comfortable in my own home and the feeling that I have to pretend in front of someone. Did you tell your partner that you suspect your son is autistic? If your son does not hate your partner for who he is, but feels uncomfortable because he doesn’t know him well, then I think that if he start feeling familiar with your partner, the problem may be solved or at least easier for your son to accept. I’m sorry I don’t have anything else in mind. 

Children
  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    Hello, thanks very much for your response. At first my son did join in with some activities with my partner, but he said he got to a point where he decided that he just shouldn't have to, so now just stays in his room. Now he'll only do things with me if it's just me and him.

    But he says he feels lonely being on his own (he doesn't socialise with friends outside of school), so it's a no-win situation for him and it hurts me so much as well, to see him unhappy.

    My partner knows about the suspected autism and doesn't push things in any way. He just says hello and tries to make conversation when their paths cross.