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Teenage son won't accept my new partner

NAS93800

Hello, new to this forum and would be so grateful for your perspectives on this...

My son is 17 and although not diagnosed as autistic I strongly suspect that he is high functioning. A couple of years ago I split up with my previous partner after 13 years. For the last 1 and a half years I've been with someone new and my relationship with him is everything I dreamed of. He spends 6 nights in every fortnight staying with us.

My son refuses to accept the change and says he resents me for forcing this on him. He wants his home to be his sanctuary where he doesn't have to be fake around people, which I totally understand. He doesn't have any problem with my partner as a person, it's just that he doesn't want any 'outsiders' here.

I make it clear that I'm always available to him, whether or not my new partner is here, but he refuses to be around him or to go to family gatherings if he's there. So I now avoid family gatherings, which is not what I want at all, for any of us. He also barely talks to me if I try to engage with him while my partner's not around.

I don't know what to do. My son is very withdrawn and doesn't like to share his feelings.

Thank you so much for any advice.

Parents

  • Autists like continuity and dislike change. I suspect that much of your son's behaviour is not directed at your partner, but is directed at you. He probably harbours feelings of grievance against, and betrayal towards, you. Not accepting and not interacting with your new partner is a very powerful means of revenge. I imagine that he sees you having a new relationship as you putting your own interests before his and resents it.

  • in reply to Martin

    Thank you. That makes sense because he has said that he feels resentful towards me. I don't know whether he's trying to get revenge, or just wants to stay in his safe space so that he feels comfortable. 

    Do you have any advice about how I might handle it?

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