Published on 12, July, 2020
We have had a massive struggle over the years with our Daughter and being violent to us up to the point the police were called after she struck her mum in the face. Since then (5 years ago) her verbal abuse has gone off the charts. She is no longer violent but has changed her abuse to verbal. She throws whatever is your most personal thing at you, my wife's best friend of 30 years died 3 months ago and this morning our daughter said her friend would be happier in heaven because she wouldn't have to listen to my wifes rubbish anymore. There are no boundaries to what she says and definitely no respect to either of us or her elder sister. We can't get through to her at all and she doesn't think she needs any help as it's all our faults. At our whitts end and looking for guidance and advice. Thanks Trev
Well, certainly. However, I don't know their entire family situation, and so I cannot make assumptions about the family/parents. But if they have to live together, at least make the living situation more tolerable for everyone involved, even though living conditions are not perfect, at least it is not a warzone all the time.
This sounds like meltdown. This is so difficult for Autistics to explain to Allistics ( non-autistics). It feels like being cornered and trapped. Everything gets out of control and we cannot stop doing hurtful things. Usually this is due to a build up of stress over a period. There may not be a trigger as such just something which push us over the edge. You talk about "respect" which most autistic people find a confusing concept. We struggle with the concept of status. We see others as all being our equals. Trying to force us to be act as if we are not autistic just stresses us out. I learned to be able to deal with the non-autistic world but to do so is incredibly stressful. I can only do it for short periods of time before I need to take time out. Choose your battles. Try not to force your daughter to do something unless it is life threatening. Give her control and time to herself to unwind. I know this is all against the rules we are expected to follow by the Allistic society. It us really difficult.
Sometimes it’s the family/parents that are the problem.
Some people don't have boundaries, and hurt everyone who's cloest to them. They don't understand that no one else in the world would support them more than their family would, and yet they choose to hurt them, just because they see a problem with everyone else except for themselves. They might be neurologically wired differently, but that does not mean that your family has to be in such a state of chaos because of it.
You cannot get her to understand boundaries, but you can set up the boundaries around her and your family, so that everyone is protected. Maybe she can participate in an after school activity, club, volunteer work, or a part time job, as a way to limit her contact from the house, and she can learn a new skill or two.
And maybe give her some space, and allow her to approach family members if she needs anything. I don't know if approaching her might set her off or not, but if it does, then limit the amount of times you and your family have to do it, just to cut down on the possibilities of an argument occurring.
I really hope that she develops better people skills over time, but if she doesn't, then at least make sure to not take her angry hurtful words very personally, even though that's hard to do. Just don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that she struck a cord with you, because she might do it again next time. But I do sincerely hope that she becomes a better person.
You need to find her, her own place to live. By accepting the behaviour you are enabling it. This isn't helpful for her. Until she learns about boundaries she won't stop. Maybe you can find her some sheltered accomodation or a council flat if she can function at that level. But until she has to actually engage and deal with life, I suspect her behaviour will probably not improve.
Anger management may help as well, but whether this will teach her that you can't go around abusing people is unknown. Try anything I guess.
Hello NAS91885,
Thank you for sharing this with the community. I'm sorry that you have experienced this with your daughter. You may like to have a look at the following information on challenging behaviour, which includes some strategies to support your daughter: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/anger-management
You may also like to have a look at our autism services directory to search for relevant services f you would like to seek professional support: https://www.autism.org.uk/autism-services-directory
All the best,
ChloeMod