Published on 12, July, 2020
My teen is very aware of her autism and how much it impacts her life. She has always been very tuned into her thoughts which is a challenge to deal with.
Her sister, 15, keeps being very unkind and her brother doesn't understand or know she is autistic. Her sister keeps calling her petty and selfish a lot recently.
She has overcome a lot and the past week has able to adapt to everyday challenges like showering without being told and using a different bowl when the usual one isn't available. These sound tiny issues but in her eyes they are the end of the world, massive and this is a huge achievement.
Her sister knows she is autistic but I don't think she cares much because she masks a lot therefore doesn't 'struggle' or 'act autistic' whatever that looks like. Just her being alive I am grateful for but her mental health is rapidly dealing because she sees how different she is to others and what she struggles with. I am staying positive but I hate seeing her like this.
Any suggestions on how to help will be amazing.
The other thing that comes to mind is to focus on those issues that are most important for well being and health- for me the eating was quite urgent. But for other things I don’t even try to change them as they make me feel comfortable and it doesn’t seem worth it (like I only wear 3 pairs of leggings). It’s a matter of prioritising- for example with the plates I ended up just ‘solving’ it by getting more of the same or similar type- i could have tried to work on this but it wasn’t that urgent and I did need more than 1 plate anyways so why not get the same :)
Hi,
I think you are doing all the right things. Other people often don’t realise what a big challenge some things are (like using a different bowl), as they themselves do not struggle with this at all. But you know how much of a win these things are for your daughter and it really helps to point this out to her. Focusing on the positives, no matter how small they might seem to an outsider, really helps- because you and your daughter know that these are big steps. This reminds me of some of my challenges with food (which are very much related to autism and ibs) and also how I handle stress. I had very bad and unhelpful support with this until I received help from a dietitian who really took the time to get to know me and has helped me so much (it’s actually thanks to her that I ended up asking for a referral for autism diagnosis). She knew how to get me to see the positives and put things into perspective- so I really think it helps to celebrate every small step. Also there is so much scope to get over some of these challenges- I went through phases of only eating the same meal over and over- for over 6 months I only ate 1 brand of eggs with 1 brand of rolls, apples and carrots. I was so stuck but now actually I’ve been able to really diversify and the key has been realising I am autistic, better understanding myself and realising that stress has a huge impact and I had lots and lots of positive encouragement. I actually also had an obsession with 1 particular plate, which sadly got damaged when moving and I continued using the chipped plate for months and in the end bought new plates with the same dimensions - so I can relate to the bowl struggle.
I’m not sure how you can get her sister to better understand the situation and to be kinder. But at least you understand and can provide positive encouragement. And lots of people on this forum understand too.
Hi there,
Really enjoyed reading your post - it sounds like you're in a tough spot though.
Much like the person before me I should start by saying when I was a 15 year old girl I didn't know I was autistic and also I don't have children of my own, so this isn't parenting advice, just advice from someone who was once in her shoes.
Showing her care and compassion is going to be so important at this time. I would tend to agree that education of the other daughter is going to be a big part of this - she clearly doesn't have a grasp of what it is your autistic child is going through. If the boy is too young to understand fully, maybe just explaining that this child is a bit different and we have to be extra patient with her.
I am not here to create a sense of doom or fear, but I would keep an eye out for signs of self harm or eating issues. I assume she's a teen/tween and this tends to be where these things will crop up (speaking from experience). both are expressions of feeling isolated and misunderstood. If you have the funds, getting her to talk to an autism informed therapist regularly might be nice - I'm sure you're an amazing parent but it isn't always possible to say the things you need to say to a parent. An impartial external person could be really beneficial for her to try and navigate the difficult years she has ahead.
Feeling very proud of your daughter for the little wins you mentioned. I'm 35 and consider myself pretty high functioning (I can drive, I have a job and live independently) but I still can't shower without multiple reminders and only eat cereal out of one specific bowl. So maybe some things just won't change!
Keep writing we'd love to hear more about your girl :)
With the caveat that when I was fifteen I didn't know I was autistic and was very functional (it didn't last) and also that I don't have children...
Have you explained to the non-autistic daughter just how her autistic sister's life is affected and made difficult by autism and that her comments are cruel and upsetting? I know fifteen is a difficult age even for someone who isn't autistic, but it's old enough for her to make some kind of effort.
Incidentally, is she older or younger than the autistic daughter? Maybe that's a factor. Does she feel that her sister has marked her as "different" in the eyes of her peers? Does she get bullied for being the sister of a "different" teenager?
Other than that, keep showering your autistic daughter with love, support and positive reinforcement. And do it to your non-autistic daughter too, because maybe she resents the attention her autistic sister is getting. Definitely reinforce positive interactions between your daughters more than penalising negative ones.