Overwhelmed mum looking for advice.

Just wanted to say hi as I am in a similar boat, my daughter has just turned 4 and is on a waiting list for an assessment.  Sometimes I find giving my daughter more control over things helps, I don't give her loads of options but 2, don't get me wrong sometimes she just says no to both but for example do you want bunches or a pony tail, also I turn loads of stuff into a game, let's play hair dressers ect sometimes we play babies just so she sits still so I can get her dressed. 

A sand timer works really well for her brushing teeth, she's very visual so she likes to do it until the timer finished.

Really over the top praise for anything good.

In terms of eating I let her cook loads with me, it's frustrating because then she might only try a little bit or nothing ( she was still throwing new food on the floor up until a year ago) I stick her favourite program on at dinner time and pause it every time she stops eating, it's a process and I didn't want her to be a screen zombie but if it means I can eat a dinner without constantly going on at her happy days.

I really struggle with the is she autsitic or is she just being a 3/4 year old thing , or is she autistic or am I just sucking at parenting and boundaries.

I hope some of this helps even to know you sound like your doing a good job and your not alone 

Hi - just want to make a few suggestions to see if anything helps.

NAS86518 said:

she keeps squinting her eyes shut and one trails off

Have you ever tried mimicking what she's doing with her eyes? It could be a form of free-play. If you slowly squint your eyes in light, you'll see these sort of light streaks and the geometry is quite nice. Perhaps a way to know if she's doing this is to find a kaleidoscope for her to play with. Different ones perform in different ways, but if after having it she squints less, then perhaps this is what is happening. 

I wouldn't worry so much about her eating habits. My son is 26 and will go through a bag of apples. Apples are highly nutritious -an excellent form of vitamins and minerals. Children are more in-tune with their biological needs, and our taste should associate the location of nutrients we might need with the food item we're familiar with which will provide it. I don't need to consciously think about a need for more selenium or vitamin b, I should simply have a craving for a an egg or prawns (selenium) or a spoon of honey (b vitamins - and honey is also a natural supplement packed with vitamins and immune boosting properties). Prior to the war, really, humans ate with the seasons. If all we had were apples or potatoes, that's what we might eat for the day. There is a massive problem with how we eat in modern life. Not only is it far more than we should, but we don't listen to our biology. Children especially don't need much. My grandmother used to say, "children will eat when they're hungry". If she's having plain pasta instead of cake, then you're probably doing it right. Never force her to eat, but allow her sense of smell to perk her curiosity. If you make squash or plain strips of meat (with nothing more than a little cows milk butter and salt), sometimes a thing sitting there for her to try when ready can help. The main problem with foods is all things in them. I have a friend who is allergic to most herbs and spices.

The hair issue sounds like a hard one. I did know someone who had a child with hair that had dreaded. The whole family were quite artistic, so it didn't seem to unusual. But I was never taught to brush out my hair by first starting at the ends, then slowly inching up. Most aren't taught this and it makes an extraordinary difference. I also didn't realise hair doesn't need to be washed but maybe once a week. And one of the biggest changes I've made as an adult is a brush with natural bristles, which help pull the natural oils through your hair. Most brushes are made with plastic bristles which won't do much and those natural oils are helpful to keep it from matting!

Think of autistic being as the authentic self which self-help books and self-awareness books try to help us 'return' to. Her sense-perception will be more in-tune with nature and so something like unnatural household chemical scents will feel like assault to someone who cannot just desensitise. The positive is their ability to sense 'danger' in this way, anything which has an immediate impact inside  or on the body. But we're also able to just be 'lost in our heads', which is a natural form of being. So cars, which have no immediate internal impact (until they hit us), are something we might not be immediately aware of. 

The other thing to mind is transitions and interruptions, as you've mentioned. interruptions can actually be the worst. If I'm thinking or visualising the world in my head someone makes a demand without warning (come here, let's get dressed, time for dinner), it's jolting. I will often say this will appear like waking a sleepwalker. The ability to just be lost in the moment, in our own imagination is a form of how we play. We might not share it and that's part of what can make it 'free' - is this sense of not being forced to follow anothers rules. But this is also how we learn. By sitting with something and really taking it in for a great deal of time. Jane Goodall lived in the wild for 9 months and only ate bananas with her chimps. She lived a ripe old age and just observed. We are better humans for her blocking out uninterrupted time to just observe. But also, the banana is a rather perfect form of food. 

Many non-speakers develop later and can become far more articulate than most. Autistics tend to let things simmer in our heads much longer. We think around and observe much longer, give her room to grow and become at her pace and this will help her trust you. Trust is really the most important element we can earn from our children. Everything else can be navigated.

This must be very difficult for you, but yes. I think your GP has made the referral because much of what you describe sounds like autism.

I know it's easier said than done, but do try not to worry. If your daughter is autistic, identifying her now will put her in good stead later. It will give her a much better chance of getting the right support through school and help protect her mental health later on.

While you wait for the assessment trying learning as much as you can about autism. You'll find some strategies which work better for her given her sensory issues. And it does sound like she has a fair few of those underlying the behaviour.

Not sure about the eyes though. Could be another issue.

Hiya 

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. 

You could try some measures to see if they help at home. One idea might be getting a white board for your daughter's room and one for the house. 

The one in her room might include pictures/basic drawing of what she does before she comes downstairs. This will establish a routine and hopefully help her to relax. It might be challenging to implement to start with but it could really help her. The whiteboard downstairs could include a plan for the week. E.g. breakfast then nursery then a walk. 

Most children prefer a strong routine even without autism :) the hard part is sticking with it to get it going! 

Often with children they try very hard to emulate social behaviours around them which is why she might be doing well at nursery but melting down when she gets home. I know my child is always exhausted and grumpy after an apparently perfect day at nursery! 

I really hope this helps you. Don't beat yourself up and give yourself a daily time out. You can't help if you burn out! Aeroplane advice - put your own breathing apparatus on first. You're no good to anyone passed out (lol) 

I hope this helps and stay strong you are doing great!