Urgent help please!

PS - If your issue is with the LEA, after giving them a fair chance to respond, try involving your local councillor (in some cases it might be a County Councillor if education is a county responsibility) or MP.  This is a bit of a nuclear option, but there is nothing like a "member's enquiry" to focus the bureaucratic mind - usually the response has to be "cleared" through a senior manager, bringing unwanted attention onto the individuals involved.

In the same way, a solicitor's letter usually goes to the legal department and a senior manager has to draft a response.

Like laxatives, these measures will often remove unwanted blockages, but need to be used sparingly for maximum effect!

The school is acting unlawfully from a technical standpoint and they probably know this. The circumstance sets up the initial conditions for your good selves to begin a diagnostic process starting with the senco - so possibly there a bit of tactical counter intuition going on. A lot of the people that devise LA strategy cannot live without secret COC"s you know, and there are versions far more bizarre than this ofc .  But actually this is quite a standard mainstream school tactic for setting the ball rolling. It might be really worth your while, you both taking a huge breath and gaining a second wind. Reconfigure the mindset to invincible mode ( you'll need it ) and get some space for yourselves, even if this feels like neuro linguistic programming yourselves when you just want to scream. Whatever you do, its important to get your composure, shuck of the this mighty atom's or pocket sized poltergeists punishments & find a perspective that feels like something like breathable & survivable. Back in the days when our first manifested these energies i remember certain incidents. On being refused fizzy drink he waited till i was distracted, and decapitated about 10 bottles of Fanta Twist and threw them on the floor in Tesco. Another time whilst still in the day one would visit an insurance broker, he just went up to the wire hang posters and ripped them all down. This sort of thing was our new normal. Its a really disorienting dilemma you are in, but its best not lose your cool. And if you do then try not to lose your cool about losing your cool (etc) - such is the end of tether capability & we really get this.

If you put yourself in control by following steps that can be facilitated along to SEN & then along another path with them you'll feel better. SEND IASS A separate service varies its remit around the UK. But they can often lend you an ear & might even take on a case as the middle spokespeople to all else sometimes. So long as you are certain there is a special educational need, then it needs this support. Its in the social contract, you are entitled to it.

Good man. A detailed follow up post. Respect.

Head Teachers  must  "  ... have an understanding of, and always act within, the statutory frameworks which set out their professional duties and responsibilities."  [Teachers' Standards, DfE 2013] 

The decision to "send a child home"  without following exclusion procedures is almost certainly unlawful and unethical. It is probably also premeditated discrimination on the basis of disability and unlawful under the Equality Act 2010.  My understanding is that, as the decision to exclude a  pupil is the prerogative of the Head Teacher, s/he has a personal responsibility for that decision under s.149 (the Public Sector Equality Duty)

Also relevant:   http://www.un.org/development/desa/disabilities/conference-of-states-parties-to-the-convention-on-the-rights-of-persons-with-disabilities-2.html   Article 7.1  (Disabled children to have same rights and freedoms as other children)    

The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child Art 2  (non-discrimination )

Head teachers are highly paid professionals who are appointed, not anointed, and if the governors and LEA don't hold them to account, then it is a matter for Ofsted, SENDIST and the professional regulator.

[ Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer and the above is a personal view only - you are advised to seek a qualified legal opinion in any particular case.]

If it’s not been suggested, reach out to this https://www.autismeducationtrust.org.uk 

If the school is illegally excluding  SEND kids on a regular basis this is definitely a matter for Ofsted. They will not usually investigate individual complaints, but as you say five kids are involved, this is clearly a matter of school organisation and policy  and within their remit:   contact.ofsted.gov.uk/online-complaints

Thank you all for your feedback and help I will certainly look into these organisations. 

He is indeed in mainstream school. 

In regards to his assessment he will happily talk but most of the time it's made up stories or untrue facts etc. His hand gesture we do see more as fidgets over expression. 

Today I spoke to a clinician who actually suggested a private diagnosis may be the best route as to get a second opinion in our area would likely be unsuccessful as in our area another doctor won't be likely to undermind a previous doctor whom they work with. 

It's so stressful and exhausting we do love him, but it's getting to a point my wife and I may even split. 

We are trying to do a ehcp but it's very hard work! 

His senco, well she's terrible. She work 2 days a week for half a day each day. So we never manage to get a meeting ....

Today was a bit of a better day for him at school however the school still sent 5 children home today! 

Has any one done private diagnosis? What was the cost etc? 

The school is probably acting unlawfully by sending your son home unless the Head Teacher personally makes a decision to exclude him for disciplinary reasons. Even sending a child home at lunchtime counts as an exclusion. Each exclusion should be confirmed by a letter stating your right of appeal to the governing body. The school is NOT allowed to send a child home just because they cannot meet his special needs. Don't be fobbed off by " we don't want it to go on his record " - the school is not doing you any favours by denying your legal rights. They are possibly trying to avoid having to report exclusions to the LEA in order to make their statistics look better.

Contact your local education department and say you want to "report an illegal exclusion " - follow up with a letter or email giving dates and details, and you could also copy in Ofsted.(This will probably make you unpopular with the Head Teacher, but I am assuming you have already got past the informal "let's have a talk about my child" stage.)

If your child has an EHCP ask for an emergency review because the school is not meeting his needs. If he does not have an EHCP, make a parental request for an assessment. I would suggest you contact the NAS advice line, a specialist SEN advice service or a lawyer specialising in SEND.

Get a grip.

YOU are the adults HE is the child (just about, still). YOU can win this, (I wasn't being needlessly harsh) by GETTING A GRIP of the stiuation. 

Don't forget that you love your child, and unless he is also a psychopath, (most unlikely, but very testable even for amateurs, don't let a psychopath tell you otherwise!) he loves you, so all you need to do is figure this out in the next year or so.

The thing you cannot put up with is the little one being in fear of the behaviour of the eight year old, and I'd be telling mine very seriously and quietly that this needs to stop now. I'd rather you stop it yourself because it will be better for you than if you make me find a way of stopping you. When I had a serious issue with my kid and needed a quick response I would never make a defined threat, but I would threaten to figure out something to do if the behaviour didn't stop.

I never told "lies to children" and never promised something I subsequently failed to deliver on, so my kid knew the choice was to either fix it herself or I should follow though. I've never accepted violence in my family relationships on on the two occasions since I haev been an adult and a family member has instigated it, I've responded in kind, swiftly and overwhelmingly, (but in a very measured and above all harmless way) but very, very, fast indeed.) That seems to have nipped it in the bud very effectively. I know I got the discipline spot on for my ADD kid, lots of lattitude when she tried to talk back at me, (because I know I can win, there was no pint in getting annoyed like most parents do when "challenged" meet it and defeat it, and move on.)

My kid as well as my responsibility was also my hobby. I enjoyed trying to figure out her issues ahead of her and didn't give a crap when other adults complained about how she spoke to them. But I did care about what she DID in life and whether she was happy and I always took the time to tell her WHY things had to happen this way. People said I was doing it wrong every step of the way, but I oved her, wanted her to be a nice and happy person, and whilst I had the power to mould her behaviour and put thoughts into her head, I did my best to teach her right from wrong. I used humour and distraction as tools to stop her from getting "fractious".

There was a legend about a sausage making machine where naughty children are made into sausages, that I shared with her once and by the time the preposterous details had emerged and her questions been answered, she'd forgotten all about why she was being annoying in the first place. eventually the whole process got shortened down into a humorous banter between us, which persists to the present day as she approaches her thirties, and still makes confilct resolution much easier. The only time I had no time to be nice and resorted to shouted instructions was when driving, (or on one memorable occasion when landing an aeroplane), where she just wasn't allowed to interrupt me and I wasn't going to take the time to explain). Of course when I was teaching her to drive, just before her test, I did everything to her in one hour she'd done to me in her childlhood whilst I was trying to drive a car, including that stupid and dangerous "yellow car" game, and she quite lost her "nervous hesitation" and replaced it with angry (but competent) driving which then got her though that test that she'd been struggling with. Sometimes you have to be obnoxiuous in order to be helpful.. 

My parents had a similar experience with me to what you report, whereas I seem to have by all metrics won big with my very similar tempered child, so I believe my advice and experience to be possibly of help, but you and your child are going to be different to us, so just pick teh useful bits out and discard the rest.       

But don't forget that you love each other, so your discipline has to be measured, tempered with humour and kindness, but very real and reliable. Good luck!

Immediately contact your local child and family services through the local county council. Every county has this. It’s a different division than a child welfare concern. This is not social workers for concerns about abuse or neglect it is workers who will help you to navigate the services and coordinate medical, school professionals, whomever is appropriate to be involved.
     Councils have prevention/intervention workers who can help you navigate services. Ask for help  with: 

- the school so the child does not get excluded (legally he should not be excluded because he obviously has special-needs); however these needs must be documented   See next item   

- request of the school ASSESSMENT FOR ADDITIONAL NEEDS, towards eventually obtaining a formal additional needs education plan (Which is meant to be based on needs even without a diagnosis, though most schools will push hard for a diagnosis to know what their needs they are serving); ON THE NEXT SCHOOL DAY IMMEDIATELY ASK FOR A FORM FOR THIS REQUEST AND PUT IN WRITING. DO NOT LEAVE UNTIL YOU OBTAIN THIS.  COMPLETE IT. KEEP A COPY. GIVE IT TO A PERSON AT SCHOOL (unless online documentation) and GET FULL NAME OF PERSON YOU HAND IT TO OR EVEN HAVE THEM SEND YOU AN EMAIL (WHILE YOU STAND THERE AND WAIT) to say you have submitted the form and they have received it. DO NOT ONLY ASK VERBALLY.  A FORM IS REQUIRED AS IT STARTS A TIME CLOCK FOR THE SCHOOL STAFF TO CONSIDER FORMAL ASSESSMENT   

- the school Is essentially saying they cannot cope with him when they call you multiple times and ask you to collect him.  THIS IS EVIDENCE THERE ARE EXTRA NEEDS  

Re. The writer who gave you feedback who said you could turn your phone off and let them try to cope with him for more or ALL of the day: you may may have to play hard ball by.following this suggestion.  It is certainly the hard approach. Alternatively, ask to speak URGENTLY (ie, within 24 hours/1 business day) to the special educational needs coordinator (“SEN-Co”). Every school has one. This person will have an extremely heavy caseload and be overworked so take this into consideration but come to an agreement that the school is struggling to serve your child and that you need help working together collaboratively and ask for advice. I suggest you do this urgently. 

- advocacy and help in taking him back to the paediatrics department (the response from the hospital is clearly insufficient) for a second opinion,; etc. 

With respect, I encourage you to work together with your spouse and try to take a step back and be committed to working as a team. Your approaches may be different but your goals are probably similar which include helping all three of your children and keeping your family intact in a safe and healthy fashion.  
   Again, with respect, if your child has autism, it’s likely that you or your spouse may have some degree of this and working together a an autistic and they Neurotypical spells takes special effort as well.

Again, with respect, if your child has autism, it’s likely that you or your spouse may have some degree of autism. To work together as an autistic and a neurotypical spouse takes special effort as well — lots of love, respect for differences, truly valuing the strengths of the other, looking at the “log in one’s own eye”, forgiveness and believing the best about the other above accusations, etc.  Finally, as my husband who id previously divorced and autistic says, divorce didn’t solve any of [their] problems. It just complicated things further and we still have to work together as co-parents of the child [children in your case]. It just added isolation, financial strain which affects each family member, emotional pain.