Urgent help please!

Get a grip.

YOU are the adults HE is the child (just about, still). YOU can win this, (I wasn't being needlessly harsh) by GETTING A GRIP of the stiuation. 

Don't forget that you love your child, and unless he is also a psychopath, (most unlikely, but very testable even for amateurs, don't let a psychopath tell you otherwise!) he loves you, so all you need to do is figure this out in the next year or so.

The thing you cannot put up with is the little one being in fear of the behaviour of the eight year old, and I'd be telling mine very seriously and quietly that this needs to stop now. I'd rather you stop it yourself because it will be better for you than if you make me find a way of stopping you. When I had a serious issue with my kid and needed a quick response I would never make a defined threat, but I would threaten to figure out something to do if the behaviour didn't stop.

I never told "lies to children" and never promised something I subsequently failed to deliver on, so my kid knew the choice was to either fix it herself or I should follow though. I've never accepted violence in my family relationships on on the two occasions since I haev been an adult and a family member has instigated it, I've responded in kind, swiftly and overwhelmingly, (but in a very measured and above all harmless way) but very, very, fast indeed.) That seems to have nipped it in the bud very effectively. I know I got the discipline spot on for my ADD kid, lots of lattitude when she tried to talk back at me, (because I know I can win, there was no pint in getting annoyed like most parents do when "challenged" meet it and defeat it, and move on.)

My kid as well as my responsibility was also my hobby. I enjoyed trying to figure out her issues ahead of her and didn't give a crap when other adults complained about how she spoke to them. But I did care about what she DID in life and whether she was happy and I always took the time to tell her WHY things had to happen this way. People said I was doing it wrong every step of the way, but I oved her, wanted her to be a nice and happy person, and whilst I had the power to mould her behaviour and put thoughts into her head, I did my best to teach her right from wrong. I used humour and distraction as tools to stop her from getting "fractious".

There was a legend about a sausage making machine where naughty children are made into sausages, that I shared with her once and by the time the preposterous details had emerged and her questions been answered, she'd forgotten all about why she was being annoying in the first place. eventually the whole process got shortened down into a humorous banter between us, which persists to the present day as she approaches her thirties, and still makes confilct resolution much easier. The only time I had no time to be nice and resorted to shouted instructions was when driving, (or on one memorable occasion when landing an aeroplane), where she just wasn't allowed to interrupt me and I wasn't going to take the time to explain). Of course when I was teaching her to drive, just before her test, I did everything to her in one hour she'd done to me in her childlhood whilst I was trying to drive a car, including that stupid and dangerous "yellow car" game, and she quite lost her "nervous hesitation" and replaced it with angry (but competent) driving which then got her though that test that she'd been struggling with. Sometimes you have to be obnoxiuous in order to be helpful.. 

My parents had a similar experience with me to what you report, whereas I seem to have by all metrics won big with my very similar tempered child, so I believe my advice and experience to be possibly of help, but you and your child are going to be different to us, so just pick teh useful bits out and discard the rest.       

But don't forget that you love each other, so your discipline has to be measured, tempered with humour and kindness, but very real and reliable. Good luck!

Get a grip.

YOU are the adults HE is the child (just about, still). YOU can win this, (I wasn't being needlessly harsh) by GETTING A GRIP of the stiuation. 

Don't forget that you love your child, and unless he is also a psychopath, (most unlikely, but very testable even for amateurs, don't let a psychopath tell you otherwise!) he loves you, so all you need to do is figure this out in the next year or so.

The thing you cannot put up with is the little one being in fear of the behaviour of the eight year old, and I'd be telling mine very seriously and quietly that this needs to stop now. I'd rather you stop it yourself because it will be better for you than if you make me find a way of stopping you. When I had a serious issue with my kid and needed a quick response I would never make a defined threat, but I would threaten to figure out something to do if the behaviour didn't stop.

I never told "lies to children" and never promised something I subsequently failed to deliver on, so my kid knew the choice was to either fix it herself or I should follow though. I've never accepted violence in my family relationships on on the two occasions since I haev been an adult and a family member has instigated it, I've responded in kind, swiftly and overwhelmingly, (but in a very measured and above all harmless way) but very, very, fast indeed.) That seems to have nipped it in the bud very effectively. I know I got the discipline spot on for my ADD kid, lots of lattitude when she tried to talk back at me, (because I know I can win, there was no pint in getting annoyed like most parents do when "challenged" meet it and defeat it, and move on.)

My kid as well as my responsibility was also my hobby. I enjoyed trying to figure out her issues ahead of her and didn't give a crap when other adults complained about how she spoke to them. But I did care about what she DID in life and whether she was happy and I always took the time to tell her WHY things had to happen this way. People said I was doing it wrong every step of the way, but I oved her, wanted her to be a nice and happy person, and whilst I had the power to mould her behaviour and put thoughts into her head, I did my best to teach her right from wrong. I used humour and distraction as tools to stop her from getting "fractious".

There was a legend about a sausage making machine where naughty children are made into sausages, that I shared with her once and by the time the preposterous details had emerged and her questions been answered, she'd forgotten all about why she was being annoying in the first place. eventually the whole process got shortened down into a humorous banter between us, which persists to the present day as she approaches her thirties, and still makes confilct resolution much easier. The only time I had no time to be nice and resorted to shouted instructions was when driving, (or on one memorable occasion when landing an aeroplane), where she just wasn't allowed to interrupt me and I wasn't going to take the time to explain). Of course when I was teaching her to drive, just before her test, I did everything to her in one hour she'd done to me in her childlhood whilst I was trying to drive a car, including that stupid and dangerous "yellow car" game, and she quite lost her "nervous hesitation" and replaced it with angry (but competent) driving which then got her though that test that she'd been struggling with. Sometimes you have to be obnoxiuous in order to be helpful.. 

My parents had a similar experience with me to what you report, whereas I seem to have by all metrics won big with my very similar tempered child, so I believe my advice and experience to be possibly of help, but you and your child are going to be different to us, so just pick teh useful bits out and discard the rest.       

But don't forget that you love each other, so your discipline has to be measured, tempered with humour and kindness, but very real and reliable. Good luck!