Excessive crying 8 year old- please help

Thanks everyone for your comments. Recently we were away with family and he had a meltdown that lasted an hour, and a few other smaller ones. My husband now realised there is a problem and we have signed our son up for private counselling. I hope this helps. I feel like we have taken a step forward. 

I doubt he's doing it for attention if he's exhibiting other autistic traits, and he must be if you suspect he's on the spectrum. Although children will do anything, negative or positive, for attention if they feel they're not getting enough of it, and crying is a good as anything, and they certainly, as a general rule, don't think "I can't cry in front of other people, or my peers", (I've raised two children and have grandchildren too, I also used to work as a nanny, and in a school, so I've had a lot of experience with children. I used to be one too! Lol!), autistic children can express extremely intense emotion which will result in these intense crying episodes, or 'meltdowns'. He's finding something too hard to cope with, maybe he's over stimulated due to sensory issues, or something isn't happening as he feels it should happen (autistic children, and adults, tend to be very set on certain routines, things have to be 'just so', games played in a certain manner, etc etc. Does your husband accept that your son might be on the spectrum? If he doesn't, you're going to have a hard job changing his perspective, I'm afraid. As far as your son goes, have you tried talking to him after the meltdown to try and find out what triggered it? He may not really know, but it's worth asking. If he does know, you can work towards a more acceptable solution, and teach him how to start recognising the early signs, when he's still in control of himself, so that he can act to try and stop or minimise it. It takes time, and patience, but it can work well. My granddaughter started using emotion cards, which she would show to whoever she was with when she was unable to verbally express her feelings (hers had 'sad', 'angry', 'upset', 'confused', etc, on them), and they really helped her. She eventually was able to start recognising the signs that led to her meltdowns and thus was able to stop them before they started at lot of the time. She's gone from having several meltdowns a day, to having only one or two a week. It's a huge improvement but has taken several years. It's not an overnight fix. Nothing is going to be an overnight fix, I'm afraid. The key though, is trying to get your husband on side. You're not going to be able to successfully help your son unless you're both on the same page, and are both doing the same things.  

I agree with all if this!

The meltdowns are likely caused by anxiety, and so you have to be careful about what type of environment and people your son is around. Usually environments that cause stress is if it's too "busy" with a lot of things happening all at the same time, people chattering and rushing about, cars honking, birds tweeting, trees rustling, bright lights, and it'll all overwhelm his senses.

But if he's at home and he's being put down and ignored when he's already being overwhelmed, that can lead to depression, which can generate more crying, because there's feelings of guilt for causing a parent to be upset with you, and there's a persistant fear that you're going to be abandoned and left alone to deal with all these terrifying things by yourself, which can then cause a panic attack. 

So if your son has a place to mellow down, like a place that has his favourite things and interests, quiet activities to work on, and generally a low stimulus and cozy, that's a really good place for him to recharge. 

I'm sure others will have a better answer about the process of being diagnosed. I live in a different country so my process would be different from yours. 

Thanks everyone for commenting. I broke down last night in front of husband as can’t cope with it anymore. Think he’s seeing the affect it’s having on me now. To be honest, it wasn’t even anything to do with him yesterday he was upstairs working when my son came back crying and he didn’t hear any of it. But we talked about some of the issues and I hope he’ll be more understanding now. We might pay for him to get private counselling as we aren’t getting anywhere on the nhs waiting list.

I’d be interested to hear if anyone else has has had to deal with excessive crying ? I know it’s different for everyone but I’d be keen to find out and strategies, or what kind of counselling can help (if we go private). Also I’m especially keen to hear when the excessive crying might stop or reduce (if ever). 

I want to second Dawn and say I'm also concerned about the husbands reaction. Is he the boys father? Unfortunately for some, step parents don't always have the childs best interest at heart. That said, my son had to learn to fight back (psychologically) against his own biological father. He was forced to eventually find clever responses to deal with a somewhat manipulative and childish man. I learned that the best way to deal with his father was a silent judgement. It took me years, but he was unkind to the son of a woman he was dating and even then that was Not OK. Knowing what genetics you have to deal with is one thing. Simply having an outside party dismissing and diminishing you can halt growth, cause even more frustration than one is already experiencing, stunt a pathway to better health and in severe cases, learn to become The Abused as an adult within society. Basically, role-play the same extreme case because that's how we were "programmed".  

I started taking my son to a psychologist when he was young. It's free with the NHS. He hated it at first, but eventually as a teenager booked his own appointments. And now in his 20s occasionally buys Self-Help books he feels are worth the investment. 

Up until about 30 I would cry when I couldn't produce the words I needed - it's considered a type of Aphasia. I would witness these sort of systems of exchange, humans being unkind, and I couldn't express or fight back because I didn't have the language. I still freeze up... I have a friend who has scans on a regular basis as there's a small part of his brain with a benign tumour and it makes him incredibly emotional often.  He cries a lot for no reason. Men who trivialise this are cowards. Sorry if this sounds harsh. But man up. Be the mentor. Get involved. Let go of your control issues by learning a little self-discipline. 

It sounds like the husband could use help understanding how to help rather than add weight. If that added frustration was around me, I would be in tears and often until I extracted myself.  But... Maybe he has severe issues with vulnerability. The world is a harsh place, our parents shouldn't be. You sound like you're in a difficult situation, and it is not easy!! I've dated quite a few men over the years and the minute they come between my son and I they're out. When mothers make sacrifices for their sons, those boys will always be loyal. At least this is my experience.

https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/professional-development/online-training

 The modules 'understanding autism' and 'Autism, stress and anxiety' might be the most useful?

Socialising can be exhausting when you are autistic, as I learnt from training available on National Autistic Soc website, and autistic people need time to rest and recover after Socialising.

Your son may be exhausted and stressed by having to socialise with these kids/people, and by all the other  frightening stuff going.on in the world at the.moment.

He.may need more rest than other kids, and time out, e.g. playing on his own on the computer, may help him to relax.

Perhaps you could limit the time playing out, get him back in the house before he gets overwhelmed and upset. 

The training available on this website might be helpful for you and your husband, it helped me to accept things, and reduced the stress I felt. It's not free but worth every penny.

Hope this helps.

ah thats probs problematic. he might not wanna play with them because perhaps they dont accept him maybe, or he doesnt feel accepted by them, so its probs weird being forced to be with them, like a person being around when they know they are not wanted.

as much as i myself loved games and was a escape from everything it probably isnt good to be on them too much, trick is probs to find like minded people, and perhaps the other outdoorsy playing kids arnt like minded enough to him, perhaps thered be like, maybe some sort of games club or something he could join perhaps? like there was one in my town that i only heard of before it got shut down that used to have people go in and play yugioh tournaments together irl and stuff and play dungeons and dragons and so on together. probs might be better to find a place like that for him to find peeps to hang with?

I'm a bit concerned that your husband is not only dismissing your son's distress but insisting he play with other kids when he doesn't want to.

It might be the stress of having to playing with the other kids which is provoking some of the overwhelm.

Your son is waiting for a diagnosis, so has your husband not informed himself about his potential condition? 

Thanks for replying. I think it is meltdowns he has but my husband doesn’t see it that way. It’s causing a kit of lot of friction in the relationship. if we do get the diagnoses I want him to speak to the dr directly for advise. I was say to him I will respond however the dr advises and he should too. As you say though, I am unsure how much he would suppose the diagnoses. The whole situation is causing me a great deal of anxiety which is affecting my mental health. I’m not sure how much longer I can live in a household like that. 

Thanks for replying. I don’t think he’s doing for attention either. Because of the way my husband get, it’s making my own home a very unpleasant place to be, to the point where I prefer not to be there at all. He plays with kids on the street, I don’t think he would have chosen them as friends if he met them in school but they are there and it is good for him to get out. Often he doesn’t want to play with them but I try and make him as I know my husband will just complain if he doesn’t.

He is very much into computer games but we do try to get him off the screen as he can’t be doing that all the time. I just hope he’s ok as he gets older, I’m starting to worry about him. Last weekend his friends had to come and tell me 3 times he was crying. Any idea what age he might stop doing that (if ever)? It juts because I worry it will hold him back and he gets himself in a terrible state it isn’t pleasant to see.

I think that they are called meltdowns, and if there's a mix of anger in it they're called shutdowns, which often happened to me from overwhelmed by everything in my environment, that I would just break down crying. Too much light, sound, people, being in an unknown place and just feeling too vulnerable, will create a panic attack and distress. 

Yet I feel bad for males in society, because if your son is crying, your husband will just walk away from his own son, because crying might be looked at as a weakness, or as an annoyance and irritation. Your husband has no clue why a child starts crying, and I dislike anyone who concludes that they're crying just "to get attention," as if that's the only reason in the history of existance as to why someone would be crying. No, even when studying infants, they have different types of crys for everything, when they are hungry, tired, uncomfortable, etc.

So it's just too simple-minded to conclude that crying is just "to get attention" so it should be ignored. That's child neglect, and that's the opposite of what anyone should be doing to their own child. 

I really hope your son gets his diagnosis, but I have no idea if your husband will even support your son's diagnosis or not. 

i doubt hes doing it for attention. as crying infront of others like friends and peers is still very humiliating for anyone and something anyone would want to avoid. if it was for attention it would be limited to only infront of you and the purpose would probably to get some sort of positive emotive response like a hug. but if hes breaking down infront of his peers then thats certainly not for attention.

friends is always hard, and i have too many responses that sound too negative. its probably better if he had more nerdy gamer type friends as they are generally the better friendlier crowd that accepts everyone. depends on his interests too, youd have to work with his interests somehow i guess to avoid that fish out of water feel for him.