Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello. I am new here. I have an 8 year old son who is likely autistic but we are still waiting for a diagnosis. I am getting very worried about how often he cries. It’s usually if he’s hurt himself (even a tiny thing like a graze), or when he gets frustrated at someone. Sometimes the crying is so bad he ended up having a panic attack where he thinks he’s choking and can’t breathe. It’s causing a lot of friction in the household as my husband thinks he’s doing it for attention and it should just be ignored. Whenever is happens my husband get very annoyed and this makes me even more stressed. I feel like I am living in a state of constant anxiety waiting for the next crying episode to happen and trying my best to hide it from my husband when it does happen. Like when my son is out playing on the street I will keep watch for a kid coming to tell me he’s crying then I’ll answer the door before he rings the bell, go out and calm my son down and bring him back, all in the hope that my husband doesn’t even notice it has happened. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I feel bad for my son as I don’t think he can help it but we aren’t getting any help as he hasn’t been diagnosed yet. I also worry that kids won’t want to hang around with him anymore as he’s always crying. I don’t know what to do.
I want to second Dawn and say I'm also concerned about the husbands reaction. Is he the boys father? Unfortunately for some, step parents don't always have the childs best interest at heart. That said, my son had to learn to fight back (psychologically) against his own biological father. He was forced to eventually find clever responses to deal with a somewhat manipulative and childish man. I learned that the best way to deal with his father was a silent judgement. It took me years, but he was unkind to the son of a woman he was dating and even then that was Not OK. Knowing what genetics you have to deal with is one thing. Simply having an outside party dismissing and diminishing you can halt growth, cause even more frustration than one is already experiencing, stunt a pathway to better health and in severe cases, learn to become The Abused as an adult within society. Basically, role-play the same extreme case because that's how we were "programmed".
I started taking my son to a psychologist when he was young. It's free with the NHS. He hated it at first, but eventually as a teenager booked his own appointments. And now in his 20s occasionally buys Self-Help books he feels are worth the investment.
Up until about 30 I would cry when I couldn't produce the words I needed - it's considered a type of Aphasia. I would witness these sort of systems of exchange, humans being unkind, and I couldn't express or fight back because I didn't have the language. I still freeze up... I have a friend who has scans on a regular basis as there's a small part of his brain with a benign tumour and it makes him incredibly emotional often. He cries a lot for no reason. Men who trivialise this are cowards. Sorry if this sounds harsh. But man up. Be the mentor. Get involved. Let go of your control issues by learning a little self-discipline.
It sounds like the husband could use help understanding how to help rather than add weight. If that added frustration was around me, I would be in tears and often until I extracted myself. But... Maybe he has severe issues with vulnerability. The world is a harsh place, our parents shouldn't be. You sound like you're in a difficult situation, and it is not easy!! I've dated quite a few men over the years and the minute they come between my son and I they're out. When mothers make sacrifices for their sons, those boys will always be loyal. At least this is my experience.