17 year old daughter

Nessie, she was staying up all night studying, but I don't think she is now.. She does eat and drink when she gets up, varying degrees of quantity of food. In terms of self care, she can go all week without washing herself or her hair. For Uni, she is adamant that she wants to move anyway and once she is at Uni she will gain loads of friends, be away from her parents and everything will be OK. 

I agree that the right uni could make all of the difference for your daughter if she decides to go. For example, if she'd like to explore her autistic identity more it might help to pay a closer eye to the number of autistic students they have. There are some uni's with over 800 autistic students registered. They have lively event calendars aimed at autistic students and often friendship groups form that eventually lead to them becoming housemates. Living with other autistics would reduce the issues that come from living with others of another neurotype. Plus, being around others from the same minority group often help individuals like your daughter to see the value in their lives and throw off the definitions imposed by their NT counterparts. 

Plastic said:

unfortunately, GPs are often the gate-keeper to getting help to self-realise

What services would you recommend the OP ask the GP for referrals to help her develop coping skills?  We've already discovered that the OPs daughter prefers written communication over verbal and I've only ever been made aware of talking therapies via the NHS. Therefore, I it'd be interesting to know what services your thinking of Plastic.

Absolutely - plus also look at local universities - she will probably qualify for a free taxi to take her back & forth so she can live at home - and that allows her to take advantage of free laundry & meals 

Have you applied for the PIP for her?   It's free money that can really help with uni costs.

Totally agree - she needs to find the confidence to understand she can do anything she wants - but unfortunately, GPs are often the gate-keeper to getting help to self-realise - they are needed to refer you onwards to someone who can help her.

CAMHS and the local MH team are the ones who are connected to all the other autism groups and they are the ones with the information on autism-friendly counsellors in the area.    

Also, being labelled as faulty as a teenager can really kill all self confidence - and what stigma did she receive at school/college?

Two things which may or may not be helpful:

(1) Is it possible she is studying late at night or in the early hours of the morning, then sleeping all day? A lot of autistic people have difficulties sleeping, and I was most definitely a night owl. At uni, when I no longer had the structure of school or my parents' support, I would study from around 1am to 6am then sleep for a large part of the day. It's quiet, dark and cool at night so there are far fewer sensory distractions, and even less people interruptions.

(2) Is it possible she's shutdown or burned out? Being a teenage girl is hard enough, but if she has been masking her autism for years on top of all the normal hormonal changes, exam stresses etc. then she may well be exhausted. Given she was only diagnosed in July, she also probably has quite a bit of processing to do i.e. thinking back through her life about misunderstandings etc. and now making sense of it all. Just that in itself is draining emotionally and mentally and takes time and space.

When she does get up, is she eating and drinking etc.? If not, then I can understand that would be a huge concern to a parent but, again, it's not that unusual for someone who is autistic to forget to do those things and other basic self-care. In terms of going to university, maybe she could do a foundation degree with the OU to help develop healthy study/self-care habits, and then do a top-up degree at another uni? To be honest though, it won't really matter what you suggest because, as Plastic says, she "knows best" (and "teenager" + "girl" + "autism" is that x100).

How do you know the GPs would help? Your daughter has just had her world upside down with the diagnosis and changing schools etc, therefore, being depressed and needing a bit of processing time is natural. Going to the doctors would be telling your daughter there's something wrong in her behaviour when there isn't. Anti-depressants wouldn't address the root cause of her mood. Plus, if they only have generic counsellors (most do) they're unlikely to know how to communicate effectively with an autistic. There are autism-specific services, such as Action for Aspergers but counselling doesn't help everyone. It does nothing for me, although exercise transforms my mood and motivation. 

I'd avoid making her feel any worse by highlighting any negatives/issues. Instead, I'd provide her as much praise and support as possible e.g cooking favourite meals, praising even tiny steps forward with her work, encouraging her to go to the cinema/walks etc. Rather than being told what to do, or manipulated, such as suggesting CAMHS, your daughter needs to be encouraged to find her own coping skills. She might be moving out next year, therefore, developing independence is key.

BTW in my experience autistic women do not have any noticeable differences in maturity levels than their neurotypical peers. There is also the saying 'if you've met one autistic, you've met one autistic'. It is thought that 1% of the population are autistic and our likes, as well as our experiences,  vary as widely as our NT counterparts. For example, I've met as many who loved uni as hated it.

Why not take her out to lunch - mention that you'd like to help and whatever she really wants to do is fine by you - you only want her to be happy - it's ok to change her mind about whatever direction she thinks she is expected to follow - people drop out and become surfing instructors or sheep farmers - being happy is most important - does she have any concerns about her own future???

You might be able to get her to chat.

A friend of my daughter's changed her mind - twice! Failed A-levels - re-sat at college - went to uni - did one year and changed her mind again and has just started a new course at a different uni - - but it will all work out in the end - being young is the time to make mistakes - as long as you learn from them!   

Plastic, she is sleepy again today. Feel so helpless, when all she is doing is lying in bed and not engaging 

Christmas fairy said:

So difficult. Teens and autism 

Yep 

Mmmmmm you could well be right.. She does prefer communication via WhatsApp rather than verbal so that could be the way forward.... So difficult. Teens and autism 

She may be in a real quandary - all her peers go to uni - and all claim it's the best thing ever - but she may be doubting her own abilities - and trying to please everyone in her mind - and failing miserably.    That stress may be bogging her down.   A deliberate crash takes all the responsibility away - it just happened.....   It pushes the decisions off until next year.

Are you able to talk to her via e-mail?    It gives her time to think and formulate an answer rather than the pressure to perform in a verbal discussion.

DH has always been dead against Uni and has made his feelings known to all of our DC. I'm more open to the idea, but honesty no pressure from me either. I have told her that I'm happy for her to not to go, suggested alternatives to Uni but no... 

OK thanks Plastic, I know she will not want us to contact CAMHS again, but DH and I have workshop for parents of newly diagnosed children/teens, I may have to bend the truth and say it was suggested that I contact CAMHS at the workshop.... 

A thought - does she really want to go to uni?    Is she just making all the right noises to appease you (or her image of your expectations).     What does she *really* want to do?      The total inaction might indicate huge turmoil in her head that she doesn't know how to broach with you.

If she won't engage, there's not much you can do - maybe failing will open her eyes.    At this age that won't damage her life too much - maybe she just needs to find the edge.

Delay - pretty much - with boys it manifests itself most obviously with them still being into trains or gaming when all the others have moved on to girls - they miss out on the vital social years where poor social skills are acceptable - by the time they 'wake up' and want a girlfriend, they are late 20s and hopelessly gauche 'boys' still - and all the girls are now expecting a mature man.

Girls are a lot more subtle - they generally mask much better than boys but still have all the same problems.

For a different counsellor - I'd chat to CAMHS again and explain the problems get them to do something.

Delayed maturity, is that universal with autism?i

Any deas of a) where I can find a Counsellor with autism experience? and b) how I can persuade her to go? 

Delayed maturation is pretty universal - it's just frustrating for you to see her wasting opportunities.

many counsellors don't understand autism - they try to fix them like they are NT - maybe she needs to see a different one with autism experience?

Does she have any hobbies?    A day out indulging her hobby will reduce her stress level to it's lowest - and that might give you an opportunity to chat to her about life, the universe and everything - without her immediately blowing up.

One Uni did mention DSA and that she will need to apply ahead of Uni application. That is met with 'I know' then nothing happens.

I don't know why the u25 team aren't engaging with her... as I said I've spoken with my Dr regarding CAMHS re referral but DD not interested