17 year old daughter

So she's a proper smarty-pants, then? 

That's awesome. I'm certain she'll meet some people like herself without too much effort. As others have said, you'll just have to make sure she has enough support so she can juggle her personal care with her studies and new friends.

Nessie - she is hoping to Maths!! 

Out of interest, what is your daughter hoping to study at university?

If it's the kind of course that typically attracts auties and nerds (I'm generalising, but anything in maths, computing and the physical sciences/engineering tends to have a higher proportion of students on the spectrum), then she might meet like-minds and make some good friends.

Alternatively, if she's more artistic but goes to a very academic university, then she may find herself around workaholics or living among more spectrum-type people anyway. Again, generalising, but if you're not able to get actual numbers from individual universities about how many autistic students they support, then these things might be a useful rule of thumb.

On an entirely separate note, I'm really pleased to hear the support group went well for you the other day. :-)

Thanks Zomted, really helpful post

You've probably got all the advice you need looking at the great recent answers from plastic/nessie and that youve just been to a support group, but just in case this is useful ill reply anyway. Im a recently diagnosed adult (1 year ago) so can maybe understand a bit where your daughter is right now. Just after diagnosis i was very very burned out. I think the pressure of masking for so long plus dealing with the diagnosis all hit at once. I knew it wasn't depression as id experienced that before. Bluntly i did actually need to sleep for a few weeks and have all pressures taken off, very few interactions etc. I wonder if thats how your daughter feels. Autistic burnout is a thing -  Its not a mental health problem. Googling it should give you some info. See if thats what she feels like - she may not really know what she feels like. I didn't until i read about it and was hugely relieved to find this was a common experience AND one that you can come back from. I just needed a period of rest, then was able to gradually get back to normal for me (ie doing some work!).

Re everything else, yes, shes a teenager. She might well find all of this a lot tougher than i did. If she does want to talk to someone outside the family that gets it i would recomend action for aspergers, they were great to me over the last year. I have a feeling she might be able to 'speak' to someone via text/e.mail too. I think they also offer support for familiy members (ie you) too.

Re Uni - it may be tough, but it may be great for her. It actually was for me after a nightmare time at school. I went to a uni away from home, but that was near enough for family to regularly visit or for me to go home the odd weekend if i needed to. Maybe thats a goid compromise? I think be positive about it but make sure she knows youre there if she does need support. Also at the end of the day, provided she gets the uni grades eventually maybe having to repeat the year wouldnt be the worst thing?

I hope this is a little bit useful. And good luck. This must be a massive learning experience for you both.

Great!     It's a lot to take on board - a whole new way of thinking.  

Nessie/Plastic

Back from the first parent support group, found it really useful, I have more understanding and feel less alone now 

Christmas fairy said:

starting a weekly parent support group today that ends just before Christmas. This group was suggested to us from the team that diagnosed her

That's great news. As Plastic said, I'm certain you won't be alone with these kind of worries and frustrations, and it's important that you have a space to vent and look after your mental health and wellbeing too. I'm sure we'd all love to hear how you get on today so do keep us posted if you feel able.

Awesome - don't get involved in that relationship - just ask Grandmother to sound her out and make sure she's ok - make sure she understands that she'll always be loved and that if everything goes wrong, you'll be there for her.

Have a good time at the group - ask lots of questions!

Plastic, she talks/texts her Grandmother.

Nessie/Plastic, starting a weekly parent support group today that ends just before Christmas. This group was suggested to us from the team that diagnosed her 

Yes - I think you're right, Nessie - she might have to just do things the hard way to learn.    

I would agree with getting yourself along to a parents' support group - meet other parents and understand the things they go through to see that your experience is not uncommon.     It's unfortunate that she's been diagnosed at such a crucial time for her academic life and that she's not following the typical prescribed path.     It makes it very difficult to feel comfortable with her future to reduce your own stress - feeling like she's 'doing ok' is important to parents' well-being.   .

How on-board are the rest of the family?    Do they support her?     Does she chat to grandparents or any other family members who could communicate easier with her?    Someone to mediate between yourself and her?   Someone who can take all the emotion and strong feelings out of the relationship and transmit the facts between yourselves?

Oh dear, I am so sorry. You must be incredibly worried about her and her future.

You may just have to let this play out and know it's going to get worse before it gets better i.e. deal with the fallout of her not passing her exams, or her going off to uni and having to drop out. As auties, we do really struggle to foresee that reality could turn out differently from how we imagine it, and it's only through experience that we become wiser. Unfortunately, sometimes that experience needs to be repeated a few times before we learn, as we also struggle to generalise. I know as a parent you want to help her develop self-awareness and life skills to avoid these pitfalls, which are so glaringly obvious to you, but this is one of the deep frustrations of autism, especially to neurotypicals.

I think all parents are heroes with the amount of patience and unfailing love they show their offspring; I think parents of autistic children, all the more so. Are you able to get some support for yourself from a local group, even if your daughter is unwilling to engage with any help at this stage? Alternatively, it might be worth you phoning NAS to see what advice and support they can offer or put you in touch with.

I really do feel for you and your family. I wish there was a clear and simple solution for you, but I suspect that is unlikely. I am sorry.

No to the DSA paperwork and I havent mentioned it

I'm not trying to do everything in one go, regarding PIP I was simply answering the question. 

Christmas fairy said:

Grrrrr... 

Unfortunately, you're making me feel this way too. I really do feel for your daughter and the extra stress your pilling on her when you've come to these boards as she already can't cope.

Why aren't you working on one thing at a time rather than trying to do everything and then complaining when your daughter can't do it even though she's severely depressed. PIP is an incredibly stressful process and applying now is unlikely to be the best time. If she waited until she was at uni she'd have a lot more evidence, such as her disability dept's Learning Contract and DSA Needs Assessment.

Asking a child to communicate with a benefits department when she's severely depressed is only going to make her feel worse and cause more resentment in the family.

In regards to the concern re the daughter and uni. From what I've read I'd find this home environment it comes across as being incredibly unsupportive and unsympathetic. I've worked with many AS students who came from unsupportive homes where they struggled but once the pressure was off they thrived at uni.

BTW the DSA form doesn't need to be sent off yet. I started my PhD in May, only had my interview in Jan, so I didn't send off my forms until Feb. Everything was in place for September. I've never applied until after Jan and have never had any issues. I have a BA, PGCE and MA.

The daughter's uni also needs to fill in their section. If she has a communication difficulty and is already struggling the daughter's going to find it incredibly difficult to communicate with uni at present, therefore, waiting until she's out of her depressive episode would makes things a lot easier. 

It's sounding like she's in full shut-down - ostrich mode, head in the ground - with a strange idealised version of reality.   Has she sorted out student finance?      Has she done any of  the DSA paperwork?

If she's not looking after herself, how will she manage at uni with no-one to prompt her?     Does she do food shopping for herself?    Clean her room?

Is she grown up enough to live independently?  

Sorry to ask this - how chaotic is your household - is there lots of noise and shouting?     Is she just looking to escape but not actually caring about where to?

I have experience of autistic groups at uni - very 'intense' - mainly diagnosed lads into gaming and not washing.      Very few girls.     And the few girls are often put off by the boys' total lack of social skills - and the smell! 

Christmas fairy said:

I don't feel that I'm manipulating her by suggesting CAMHS

Suggesting CAMHS yourself wouldn't be being manipulative. If you say they've been recommended at the workshop you are going to and they haven't that would be. A lot of autistics have a strong sense of right and wrong. If you lie to your daughter, things have a way of being revealed and that could cause irreparable damage for your relationship. 

Your daughter has explained to you CAMHS wasn't useful for her needs. You too have mentioned that she prefers text to verbal communication.CAMHS is verbal based communication. I feel like your trying to flog a dead horse by keep returning to things that should have already been crossed out as your more comfortable with CAMHS rather than working on a new way.

You say your daughter has been in bed for two weeks. That isn't very long to process everything that has been going on and to rest. If she's being made to feel like she should snap out of this, this could affect her recovery and mean she needs even longer alone in room. 

Christmas fairy said:

what I supposed to do, just sit back and watch her while she lies in bed day in, day out.

I understand that you are struggling but you may need to just sit back and watch, especially if all she needs is time. If you are finding the need to give control over to your daughter difficult to handle support services like Action for Asperger's work with parents too.

Tbh, I don't know that Dr's will work, and I don't feel that I'm manipulating her by suggesting CAMHS but what I supposed to do, just sit back and watch her while she lies in bed day in, day out... 

It's a tricky balance, I've suggested local groups for autistic teens.... 

We have mentioned PIP payments to her as she has to be near the phone we when we apply, but nope!!! Grrrrr...