17 year old daughter

So she's a proper smarty-pants, then? 

That's awesome. I'm certain she'll meet some people like herself without too much effort. As others have said, you'll just have to make sure she has enough support so she can juggle her personal care with her studies and new friends.

Nessie - she is hoping to Maths!! 

Out of interest, what is your daughter hoping to study at university?

If it's the kind of course that typically attracts auties and nerds (I'm generalising, but anything in maths, computing and the physical sciences/engineering tends to have a higher proportion of students on the spectrum), then she might meet like-minds and make some good friends.

Alternatively, if she's more artistic but goes to a very academic university, then she may find herself around workaholics or living among more spectrum-type people anyway. Again, generalising, but if you're not able to get actual numbers from individual universities about how many autistic students they support, then these things might be a useful rule of thumb.

On an entirely separate note, I'm really pleased to hear the support group went well for you the other day. :-)

Thanks Zomted, really helpful post

You've probably got all the advice you need looking at the great recent answers from plastic/nessie and that youve just been to a support group, but just in case this is useful ill reply anyway. Im a recently diagnosed adult (1 year ago) so can maybe understand a bit where your daughter is right now. Just after diagnosis i was very very burned out. I think the pressure of masking for so long plus dealing with the diagnosis all hit at once. I knew it wasn't depression as id experienced that before. Bluntly i did actually need to sleep for a few weeks and have all pressures taken off, very few interactions etc. I wonder if thats how your daughter feels. Autistic burnout is a thing -  Its not a mental health problem. Googling it should give you some info. See if thats what she feels like - she may not really know what she feels like. I didn't until i read about it and was hugely relieved to find this was a common experience AND one that you can come back from. I just needed a period of rest, then was able to gradually get back to normal for me (ie doing some work!).

Re everything else, yes, shes a teenager. She might well find all of this a lot tougher than i did. If she does want to talk to someone outside the family that gets it i would recomend action for aspergers, they were great to me over the last year. I have a feeling she might be able to 'speak' to someone via text/e.mail too. I think they also offer support for familiy members (ie you) too.

Re Uni - it may be tough, but it may be great for her. It actually was for me after a nightmare time at school. I went to a uni away from home, but that was near enough for family to regularly visit or for me to go home the odd weekend if i needed to. Maybe thats a goid compromise? I think be positive about it but make sure she knows youre there if she does need support. Also at the end of the day, provided she gets the uni grades eventually maybe having to repeat the year wouldnt be the worst thing?

I hope this is a little bit useful. And good luck. This must be a massive learning experience for you both.

Great!     It's a lot to take on board - a whole new way of thinking.  

Nessie/Plastic

Back from the first parent support group, found it really useful, I have more understanding and feel less alone now 

Christmas fairy said:

starting a weekly parent support group today that ends just before Christmas. This group was suggested to us from the team that diagnosed her

That's great news. As Plastic said, I'm certain you won't be alone with these kind of worries and frustrations, and it's important that you have a space to vent and look after your mental health and wellbeing too. I'm sure we'd all love to hear how you get on today so do keep us posted if you feel able.

Awesome - don't get involved in that relationship - just ask Grandmother to sound her out and make sure she's ok - make sure she understands that she'll always be loved and that if everything goes wrong, you'll be there for her.

Have a good time at the group - ask lots of questions!

Plastic, she talks/texts her Grandmother.

Nessie/Plastic, starting a weekly parent support group today that ends just before Christmas. This group was suggested to us from the team that diagnosed her 

Yes - I think you're right, Nessie - she might have to just do things the hard way to learn.    

I would agree with getting yourself along to a parents' support group - meet other parents and understand the things they go through to see that your experience is not uncommon.     It's unfortunate that she's been diagnosed at such a crucial time for her academic life and that she's not following the typical prescribed path.     It makes it very difficult to feel comfortable with her future to reduce your own stress - feeling like she's 'doing ok' is important to parents' well-being.   .

How on-board are the rest of the family?    Do they support her?     Does she chat to grandparents or any other family members who could communicate easier with her?    Someone to mediate between yourself and her?   Someone who can take all the emotion and strong feelings out of the relationship and transmit the facts between yourselves?

Oh dear, I am so sorry. You must be incredibly worried about her and her future.

You may just have to let this play out and know it's going to get worse before it gets better i.e. deal with the fallout of her not passing her exams, or her going off to uni and having to drop out. As auties, we do really struggle to foresee that reality could turn out differently from how we imagine it, and it's only through experience that we become wiser. Unfortunately, sometimes that experience needs to be repeated a few times before we learn, as we also struggle to generalise. I know as a parent you want to help her develop self-awareness and life skills to avoid these pitfalls, which are so glaringly obvious to you, but this is one of the deep frustrations of autism, especially to neurotypicals.

I think all parents are heroes with the amount of patience and unfailing love they show their offspring; I think parents of autistic children, all the more so. Are you able to get some support for yourself from a local group, even if your daughter is unwilling to engage with any help at this stage? Alternatively, it might be worth you phoning NAS to see what advice and support they can offer or put you in touch with.

I really do feel for you and your family. I wish there was a clear and simple solution for you, but I suspect that is unlikely. I am sorry.

No to the DSA paperwork and I havent mentioned it

It's sounding like she's in full shut-down - ostrich mode, head in the ground - with a strange idealised version of reality.   Has she sorted out student finance?      Has she done any of  the DSA paperwork?

If she's not looking after herself, how will she manage at uni with no-one to prompt her?     Does she do food shopping for herself?    Clean her room?

Is she grown up enough to live independently?  

Sorry to ask this - how chaotic is your household - is there lots of noise and shouting?     Is she just looking to escape but not actually caring about where to?

I have experience of autistic groups at uni - very 'intense' - mainly diagnosed lads into gaming and not washing.      Very few girls.     And the few girls are often put off by the boys' total lack of social skills - and the smell! 

We have mentioned PIP payments to her as she has to be near the phone we when we apply, but nope!!! Grrrrr... 

Nessie, she was staying up all night studying, but I don't think she is now.. She does eat and drink when she gets up, varying degrees of quantity of food. In terms of self care, she can go all week without washing herself or her hair. For Uni, she is adamant that she wants to move anyway and once she is at Uni she will gain loads of friends, be away from her parents and everything will be OK. 

Absolutely - plus also look at local universities - she will probably qualify for a free taxi to take her back & forth so she can live at home - and that allows her to take advantage of free laundry & meals 

Have you applied for the PIP for her?   It's free money that can really help with uni costs.

Two things which may or may not be helpful:

(1) Is it possible she is studying late at night or in the early hours of the morning, then sleeping all day? A lot of autistic people have difficulties sleeping, and I was most definitely a night owl. At uni, when I no longer had the structure of school or my parents' support, I would study from around 1am to 6am then sleep for a large part of the day. It's quiet, dark and cool at night so there are far fewer sensory distractions, and even less people interruptions.

(2) Is it possible she's shutdown or burned out? Being a teenage girl is hard enough, but if she has been masking her autism for years on top of all the normal hormonal changes, exam stresses etc. then she may well be exhausted. Given she was only diagnosed in July, she also probably has quite a bit of processing to do i.e. thinking back through her life about misunderstandings etc. and now making sense of it all. Just that in itself is draining emotionally and mentally and takes time and space.

When she does get up, is she eating and drinking etc.? If not, then I can understand that would be a huge concern to a parent but, again, it's not that unusual for someone who is autistic to forget to do those things and other basic self-care. In terms of going to university, maybe she could do a foundation degree with the OU to help develop healthy study/self-care habits, and then do a top-up degree at another uni? To be honest though, it won't really matter what you suggest because, as Plastic says, she "knows best" (and "teenager" + "girl" + "autism" is that x100).

Why not take her out to lunch - mention that you'd like to help and whatever she really wants to do is fine by you - you only want her to be happy - it's ok to change her mind about whatever direction she thinks she is expected to follow - people drop out and become surfing instructors or sheep farmers - being happy is most important - does she have any concerns about her own future???

You might be able to get her to chat.

A friend of my daughter's changed her mind - twice! Failed A-levels - re-sat at college - went to uni - did one year and changed her mind again and has just started a new course at a different uni - - but it will all work out in the end - being young is the time to make mistakes - as long as you learn from them!   

Plastic, she is sleepy again today. Feel so helpless, when all she is doing is lying in bed and not engaging