Published on 12, July, 2020
Daughter 17, was diagnosed with autism in July this year, she had been masking.
She has been struggling with making friends and has a lot of anxiety concerning this.
Attending 6th form College has become too much for her due to the travel and loneliness, therefore now studying online. Of course this has resulted in her becoming more isolated which we tried to talk to her about before she made the change but she wouldn't listen.
She hasn't done any studying for two weeks and has been spending a lot of time asleep. I understand that she might be tired if she has been coping with her day, but today for example she has not been out of the house and only just got out of bed (6pm). I've suggested that she might be depressed but she says no and won't let me make an appointment with the Dr's. Even if I did make one without her approval she would refuse to go. - she reckons that she will go to Uni next year and will make loads of friends and be away from her horrible parents... I've tried to suggest that she may not make friends for a variety of reasons but she won't listen and I'm being negative.. but as I've said she isn't doing any work...
I've tried to suggest different social groups both for autistic people but she won't go
I don't know what to say or do.... help...
Hi
You can't force friendships - spending all their time in their rooms is very common. The whole social anxiety and masking to hide from manipulators & bullies means that almost everyone will fail the "can I be bothered talking to you" test.
The more you push, the more she will resist - she knows best - like every other teenager.
Anxiety over every little thing causes extreme fatigue so sleeping lots is common too. Do you think she will pass this course with enough points to get to uni? What's plan B if she doesn't get into uni?
Thanks Plastic
I understood the extreme fatigue when DD was going to College, but when she isn't going out anywhere, I don't understand the cause of the fatigue?? How can I help, will it get any better as she gets older?
No plan B "as she doesn't need one"....
No plan B - she could be in for a stressful time at clearing!
The anxiety is from life - the worry about the work, the future, social media, measuring everybody to try to look normal but not 'getting' the rules etc - to the point that the stress can paralyse her ability to do the work - glitch mode. The more stressed she gets, the more she will insist that everything is ok until it all crashes around her.
Can you get any help from local MH team to talk to her - she probably won't listen to you - or maybe your GP? Without any other input, she'll spiral in within her own thoughts.
Why not take her out to lunch - mention that you'd like to help and whatever she really wants to do is fine by you - you only want her to be happy - it's ok to change her mind about whatever direction she thinks she is expected to follow - people drop out and become surfing instructors or sheep farmers - being happy is most important - does she have any concerns about her own future???
You might be able to get her to chat.
A friend of my daughter's changed her mind - twice! Failed A-levels - re-sat at college - went to uni - did one year and changed her mind again and has just started a new course at a different uni - - but it will all work out in the end - being young is the time to make mistakes - as long as you learn from them!
Plastic, she is sleepy again today. Feel so helpless, when all she is doing is lying in bed and not engaging
Christmas fairy said:So difficult. Teens and autism
Yep
Mmmmmm you could well be right.. She does prefer communication via WhatsApp rather than verbal so that could be the way forward.... So difficult. Teens and autism
She may be in a real quandary - all her peers go to uni - and all claim it's the best thing ever - but she may be doubting her own abilities - and trying to please everyone in her mind - and failing miserably. That stress may be bogging her down. A deliberate crash takes all the responsibility away - it just happened..... It pushes the decisions off until next year.
Are you able to talk to her via e-mail? It gives her time to think and formulate an answer rather than the pressure to perform in a verbal discussion.
DH has always been dead against Uni and has made his feelings known to all of our DC. I'm more open to the idea, but honesty no pressure from me either. I have told her that I'm happy for her to not to go, suggested alternatives to Uni but no...
OK thanks Plastic, I know she will not want us to contact CAMHS again, but DH and I have workshop for parents of newly diagnosed children/teens, I may have to bend the truth and say it was suggested that I contact CAMHS at the workshop....
A thought - does she really want to go to uni? Is she just making all the right noises to appease you (or her image of your expectations). What does she *really* want to do? The total inaction might indicate huge turmoil in her head that she doesn't know how to broach with you.
If she won't engage, there's not much you can do - maybe failing will open her eyes. At this age that won't damage her life too much - maybe she just needs to find the edge.
Delay - pretty much - with boys it manifests itself most obviously with them still being into trains or gaming when all the others have moved on to girls - they miss out on the vital social years where poor social skills are acceptable - by the time they 'wake up' and want a girlfriend, they are late 20s and hopelessly gauche 'boys' still - and all the girls are now expecting a mature man.
Girls are a lot more subtle - they generally mask much better than boys but still have all the same problems.
For a different counsellor - I'd chat to CAMHS again and explain the problems get them to do something.
Delayed maturity, is that universal with autism?i
Any deas of a) where I can find a Counsellor with autism experience? and b) how I can persuade her to go?
Delayed maturation is pretty universal - it's just frustrating for you to see her wasting opportunities.
many counsellors don't understand autism - they try to fix them like they are NT - maybe she needs to see a different one with autism experience?
Does she have any hobbies? A day out indulging her hobby will reduce her stress level to it's lowest - and that might give you an opportunity to chat to her about life, the universe and everything - without her immediately blowing up.
One Uni did mention DSA and that she will need to apply ahead of Uni application. That is met with 'I know' then nothing happens.
I don't know why the u25 team aren't engaging with her... as I said I've spoken with my Dr regarding CAMHS re referral but DD not interested
She was having support from CAMHS who referred for the autism diagnosis, they have now withdrawn their support. I have spoken to the GP who advised he could re refer her to CAMHS or she could re refer herself but she isn't interested as she didn't find the counselling useful... sigh... I've suggested Young Minds and Childline but nothing... I've booked a webinar with Curly Haired Girl which hopefully DD will listen into.
As she is studying online, not sure how she is getting on, but as I've said she is sleeping a lot so obviously not a lot of work being done...
I'm trying not to push regarding the friendships and generally offer suggestions when asked but hard when all I see is being in her room...
I am concerned that she is in a spiral with her own thoughts, but feel helpless to do anything as she pushes away any suggestions I make... I'm hoping that this will improve with age as she matures and works it out for herself??