Other People!!

Micro said:

That's so sad, poor Jake. Completely unacceptable. what she did is tantamount to assault for someone with Autism.  There he was having a lovely time and someone does the verbal equivalent of punching him in the face. Two ideas occurred to me for your situation. Firstly if there are shops you use regularly to make sure the manager understands and informs the staff. Outline the situation you faced, how serious it was for Jake, and explain that you would expect staff to intervene to remove the person assaulting your son and give them a talking to, while you manage his distress.  I do think this is a reasonable expectation.  You and Jake have the right to go to the shops.  Jake has the right to express his feelings in his own way, these are basic human rights. Also, and I appreciate is not always possible, but just to get back into the habit of it and regain your confidence, try going a few times with another adult who is on hand to intervene with vile old ladies.

Thank you for your reply Micro and I think I will follow your advice and speak to the shop manager as it is a shop that I use regularly. It was a really awful experience for both of us and I have lost an awful lot of my confidence but I will have to try and start going there again. Like you say, even if it's with my partner or another adult at first, just until I start to get some of my confidence back x

That's so sad, poor Jake. Completely unacceptable. what she did is tantamount to assault for someone with Autism.  There he was having a lovely time and someone does the verbal equivalent of punching him in the face. Two ideas occurred to me for your situation. Firstly if there are shops you use regularly to make sure the manager understands and informs the staff. Outline the situation you faced, how serious it was for Jake, and explain that you would expect staff to intervene to remove the person assaulting your son and give them a talking to, while you manage his distress.  I do think this is a reasonable expectation.  You and Jake have the right to go to the shops.  Jake has the right to express his feelings in his own way, these are basic human rights. Also, and I appreciate is not always possible, but just to get back into the habit of it and regain your confidence, try going a few times with another adult who is on hand to intervene with vile old ladies.

I also find other people's reaction to my son very difficult to deal with. We had a case a few months ago where we had just been to speech therapy and popped to the supermarket on the way home. Jake wasn't having a meltdown but was very excited and happy, and was jumping up and down, screaching and flapping his arms. This absolutely vile old woman came up to him, screamed in his face that he was really naughty and that people didn't want to listen to the horrible noise he was making, upon which Jake threw himself on the floor screaming and holding his ears, as he hates raised voices and gets very upset. It took every ounce of strength to stop myself from hitting her but I left the store as Jake was so upset.

But I have found it really difficult to bring myself to go to the shops since - not because I'm afraid of what people think - I couldn't care less about that but I'm scared that someone else will really upset my little boy again, and I'm also scared that I won't be able to keep calm next time

NAS11866 said:

I read somewhere "Those that matter don't mind, those that mind don't matter". I used to keep saying it in my head.

This so true. I volunteer in a charity shop and we have all kinds of people in there. We once had a child who had a meltdown and I ignored the child; as they weren't be so distruptive that the noise is painful; nor were they breaking something. One of the workers did say that the child is just spoilt - charming!

We have had a child in the shop and I thought he has Downs Syndrome. (It turns out he does - my manager was talking about his mum this morning and mentioned that the little boy does have Downs) He was being a bit loud and his mother was trying to keep him quiet / entertained. Again, I ignored him. He wasn't being so loud that it was causing a problem.

I have a secret they don't know: far from being a bad parent, I'm actually a really good parent by necessity or this would happen all the time. Far from being a bad child, my son does really well to cope with the truly hostile (for him) world he lives in. They will never know this. They will never know the number of meltdowns we have successfully avoided this week. Poor them. I smile a secret smile to myself.

Sometimes it works..sometimes I just burst into tears. Depending on sleep.

hi again,

             I find people like the lady you mentioned above arent worth the time of day, all so very opinionated,  and yet without a clue!, was complaining really going to get her anywhere, it appears all she acheived after your husband challenged her was makinging herself look like an A***. Poor Disapline??? i wonder what her excuse was.

thanks for the replies :)

i had an instance recently where ds was melting down in the changing rooms of the swimming pool - really going for it, head banging, doing that high pitched scream etc - I would be gobsmacked if anyone could have thought it was a temper tantrum the way he was going and yet some woman left the changing room to complain to the manager about him :( sadly for her my husband was outside changing room and challeneged her on it to which her response was 'oh it used to be ADHD that was the popular diagnosis for poor disapline'.

to be fair some people look sympathetic, I just wish they wouldn't interfere! To a massively over stimulated child just having someone else a standing there is too much!! 

But guess its part of life! Ibe heard of the opinion of 'use it to educate people' but tbh after dealing with a meltdown the last thing i fancy doing is having a chat!!! I'm much more likely to want to go home and n collapse with a 'thank god we survived it!'

"i am so sick of 'justifying' my ds's (6) behaviour to other people"............Then dont!

I dont feel the need to explain the behaviour of my kids to anyone who passes comment any more than they feel the need to explain their ignorant outbursts to me.

It dosnt make the comments they make any easier to accept and i fully understand that whilst in the middle of trying to accomodate your childs "meltdown" they just add unwelcome stress to the situation, believe me i know. Fact is we dont have to accept what they say, id say that you have the more educated view of exactly whats going on.If someone started shouting at you that the world would end tommorow would you take any notice? i guess we just have to make peace with it all and accept that not everyone will understand,  in much the same way that we accept  "meltdowns" are going to happen.

Keep smiling, it will confuse them

hi MrsP - other people!  Could rant on forever.  Most people don't understand about autism + how it affects an individual + their family.  Autism isn't easy to understand.  Of course, everybody's an "expert" on raising children, aren't they?  So people stare or worse.  Some people make our lives more difficult.  Being stared at is unpleasant, although I would say that not everybody you see who stares are unsympathetic.  If the stare goes on and is accompanied by tuts etc, then yes, that's worse.  We look when something attracts our attention, whatever it may be.  I've never explained things to anyone when I've been in that position.  I've always ignored them.  Strangers aren't worth the effort when you're trying to help your child.  I've never carried a card.  If I'd felt the need to say anything I would have just said "he has autism".  Unless a stranger understands the condition I think it's useless informing them like that anyway.  So yes, it is hard and can be hurtful.  Unfortunately it goes with the territory.  Other people's attitudes pile on the pressure and I sometimes wish they'd wise-up or ignore us.  bw