Isolated NT in a relationship with chosen ASC person

This is so powerful to hear. Thank you so much. I know that my partner has felt the same way in the past, as he has said some of these things to me. In fact I am going to save your reply as an image on my phone – to read when I feel like its all my fault! Deep down I do know that we are just so different, it’s the love that makes us try and understand one another and create the relationship that we have. When you said anger is the easiest emotion to express, wow. You are absolutely right. I know that, on top of the AS/NT difference there is a lot of  feminine/masculine stuff going on too. I will also try and remember that the stuff I am being shown is mostly the external surface symptoms of the problem and not actually what is going on. It may be as you say that my partner feels time alone would be beneficial and I know that he feels affection is, over all, unnecessary! I don’t think he ever doubts my feelings towards him if I don’t say anything for example. Honestly your reply has meant so much. I will re-read it and reflect on your points.

Thank you for your reply. I don’t think that there was a lot of difference between these two words for my partner honestly – sometimes when he is feeling very sensitised he will come out with a lot of hurtful things,  and either not remember saying them or not want to talk about them because he didn’t mean them. He will argue for example that I was telling him he isn’t respectful, when I say I don’t feel he’s being respectful of my feelings in the moment and we need some space. I honestly can’t remember which way round he wanted these words now. It goes on for so long and is so high energy and exhausting, I can’t take anything in.

I don’t really understand what you have said about hate groups but I have a good understanding of ASC and it’s not something I would tolerate discrimination towards. 

I am the flip side of this so maybe I can give you some insight from an AS perspective. (It's still all very new to me and my NT partner). We are total opposites and clash on almost everything, but we love each other very much which caused confusion as to why we could no longer get on..

Here are a few example from my point of view:

• In an argument I instantly go on the defensive, she pours her emotions out (simply to vent and 'let it all out') but I lock mine away so I come across as cold, calculated and heartlessly logical. The out pour of emotion totally overwhelms me which is why I lock mine away, I conflict with them - I don't understand them. I try to solve everything in one go and get angry as to why on Earth she isn't listening, surely this is what she wants! (Probably more a generic male/female thing but blown up with the NT/AS thing)
• I take her emotions personally, afterwards I feel exhausted and responsible and go into myself. I become mute and unresponsive and go into a state of depression - a dark cloud comes I can't shift. This comes across to her like I don't care, I'm blocking her out and purposely ignoring her. I'm not, I'm overwhelming sad but just can't say.
• An attack on her is an attack on me. Her past, her job, a bad conversation she had with a friend, anything. I have her back but, again, it comes out wrong. I can only express my concerns in anger directed at her. I should say I love you, hold her tight and comfort her but my instinct tells me to fight for her. Anger is the easiest emotion to express and usually the only one that freely comes out. We both end up feeling worse off.
• I need to shut myself away from the world sometimes, entirely. This behaviour comes across as abandonment, she used to take it personally that I didn't want to be with her. I just didn't want to be in world at that moment, it was nothing to do with her. I used to avoid getting alone time because of the effect it had on my family but in doing so would almost certainly makes things worse. (I felt trapped)
• To me her presence in the same room as me is enough - I know she loves me very much and would believe that until she tells me otherwise. In other words I don't need to be hugged or be told 'I love you'. This doesn't come naturally to me, which has an effect on her. She needs constant loving reassurance (which I'm fine with, I'm just awful at doing it!). Again, I come across as cold and get confused when she brings it up because 'I do tell you I love you?!'. Why do you need to be told all the time? The answer is brilliantly simple (and helped me understand her): because it's nice!
• The right words are often in my head and I desperately try to say them but that would mean making myself vulnerable and displaying a set of emotions I'm not comfortable with. They stay in my head and the wrong ones come out. I punish myself for this, over and over.
• Nearly all of my battles are invisible and only the negative output is seen. 

We're both working through our differences and we're enjoying jumping into each other's worlds. We both read and research how are brains are wired and why we clash and what we can do about that. Life's getting much better. We're a partnership meaning it shouldn't be one-sided - it's not up to her to adapt to me or vice versa. We're in this together. The discoveries are often huge milestones, everything makes sense and aligns - it's wonderful! It's worth remembering in a population of 2, where both are different, there is no majority!

There is often a huge disconnect where people try to fit in with what is expected of them by their friends and family and the work environment but deep down they realise it's not right for them.  When people get into relationships, they are actually taking on the other person's family background and their habits too.

If this is too far from their own expectations, it causes tension in the relationship as you both negotiate a happy middle ground where you're both happy.

It can be based in a million little things that you're used to doing - like one piling stuff in the sink and the other needing to leave the kitchen tidy -  to not emptying the bins or the way they hoover the carpets being done the 'wrong' way.

ASD people tend to have discovered what they think is the right way to do things and the way others do things is often seen as crazy, inefficient and not sensible.  

The more of this we have to deal with, the more low-level stress we're under.  It can make us 'touchy' and picky.

You both need to find a way to communicate with each other and find agreement about all the little stuff to de-fuse it all so you can get on with the important stuff.

Agreement about the little stuff means you will both feel valued as you both understand WHY you each do the things you do.

If he is logical and sensible, he will happily come to an agreement with you - more out of self-preservation and as a stress reduction.

If he's just a domineering A-hole, he'll demand his way over everything - but at least you'll know where you are.

Communication is everything.

Thank you: I have ordered some books online today x

Thank you for your response. It does all get a little much. Which is why I’m here!

I have tried in the past to explain why it is impossible for me to get everything right – but it seems to upset things more. It is as though saying sorry, and addressing some behaviours is viewed as a weakness sometimes. A discussion is frequently steered towards who was ‘right’ and who was ‘wrong’. And it’s me that’s making things complicated by not just being out right.

Truth be told, I go through periods of exhaustion - and I’m there at the moment. Just some responsibility for the exchange between us would give me a little weight off. I feel our relationship has the capacity to be an understanding place. But the constant nit picking is wearing me.

I would like him to come down to where I know him, I am happy with him overall - just not in inescapable times like this.

Yes. I think what you said is fairly accurate! My partner definitely experiences anxiety, and a lot of this is seems to be brought on by other peoples emotions, which he does not seem to always accurately translate. But is highly sensitive to. 

In recent years I have tried my upmost not to cry or become stressed around him as this seems to bring us into a spiral of anxiety and hypervigilance. He will feel as though I dislike him if I am upset about something he has said, I will feel that he dislikes me for ‘bringing it up’ for example.

We are able to talk quite openly in our relationship at the right times and have been through quite a lot together. I have suggested to him that when I express unhappiness with something that has happened, that he seems to take it very personally, become defensive, and feel as though I am unhappy with him? And he has said that it is how it is because he is so stressed, he cannot deal with anything else. 

I do understand this, but at times leaves me walking on eggshells, afraid to say anything, and unhappy with whatever has happened or been said.

We also have ‘space’ from one another during discussions - in an attempt to stop overwhelm and cross words. However, he has started coming back in with aggression. Saying things like ‘I’m done with the conversation but I’m thinking I have done nothing to apologise for. This is because you’re too sensitive and need to look at yourself - you just piss me off’. It’s also as if he speaks his inner narrative at me? Which is fairly unhelpful, especially when I need time out and am being emotionally affected.

Thank you again for your reflective response. 

It's good that you are speaking to someone for your own well being, 

My partner would never consider counselling or even seeing any one about things so for us it has really been the reading I have done and talking about the struggles other autistic people have had and the way they have percieved or handled things this gave him the validation that he is not weird or alone and it enabled him to start talking about it. Then we adjusted our home life. 

Like I said it's not perfect but it's working! 

Good luck to you 

Thank you so much for your response.

I understood what you saying about at least trying to address his behaviours.  I understand that this is very difficult, as I have done a lot of work myself. 

In an ideal world, I would like my partner to gain some more appropriate counselling and address feelings of depression and anxiety -  as I feel this may help with feelings of needing to be in control and some of the negativity (which at the moment seems fairly exhaustive).

I will readdress positive coping mechanisms with him when appropriate.

I am aware that my past means that I am taking a lot of this personally, and I’m speaking to a counsellor about my own triggers as well.

Nick said:

I feel I could benefit from reading a book of something so I could understand more and deal with situations better!

Perhaps try this book:

http://www.autismforthvalley.co.uk/files/5314/4595/7798/Attwood-Tony-The-Complete-Guide-to-Aspergers-Syndrome.pdf

Tinyexplorer said:

I could see how 'considerate' could be used by some hate groups in a patronising autism disparaging way, so it becomes loaded with discrimination, which cannot have any place in a relationship.

This is a thread about a relationship between two people, there are no "hate groups" involved. You are adding your own context. 

Tinyexplorer said:

If the couple tried one of those counsellors that are informed by discriminatory model of the relationship promoted by autism hate groups, than any reference to it and any language associated with it would just be a red flag that totally undermines the trust and the safety of the relationship.

I'm thinking that you feel people on the spectrum are beyond reproach. They aren't. Again I fail to see what "hate groups" have to do with anything. You are reaching.

Tinyexplorer said:

It is clear from the OP is that both partners are distressed, the autistic partner is feeling very 'sensitised', i.e. allergic to something.

Yes, common decency.

Tinyexplorer said:

If they used some of those groups, the first thing is to unlearn that and detoxify the relationship.

If we shouldn't judge without context, you don't seem to extend that to yourself. Rather than take it at face value, you've created a whole scenario around a context that may not exist.

I'm not going to defend something that sounds rather abusive, just because the person is ASC. If it was happening to you would you cling to some form of fabricated identitarian excuse, or call it out for what it looks like?

Except we don't know at all the context and what the difference between those two words could represent to  the autistic partner.

I could see how 'considerate' could be used by some hate groups in a patronising autism disparaging way, so it becomes loaded with discrimination, which cannot have any place in a relationship.

If the couple tried one of those counsellors that are informed by discriminatory model of the relationship promoted by autism hate groups, than any reference to it and any language associated with it would just be a red flag that totally undermines the trust and the safety of the relationship. It is clear from the OP is that both partners are distressed, the autistic partner is feeling very 'sensitised', i.e. allergic to something. If they used some of those groups, the first thing is to unlearn that and detoxify the relationship.

Nick said:

like using the word considerate instead of respectful

Reading that part was a bit much for me. There's traits, triggers, and things you have to adapt to in a relationship with someone on the spectrum. I'm on the spectrum myself, but that just sounds like a nightmare. Bordering on abusive control. I can understand a lot of stuff, but that just sounds too much. I'm not going to defend something like that just because he shares the same condition as me.

Nick said:

I have questioned everything I do for so long, I wonder if he’d be happier on his own.

The question here is would you? Sounds like you will bend over backwards, and you are putting in all the effort and getting even more flak for doing so.

It's fine being NT, it's fine being autistic, it's not fine being a controlling abusive ***.

It is sad to hear that you are struggling. The relationship should be a happy place for both partners. Based on what you written, it seems you both are quite distressed, so the communication might not be working on both sides. However it is difficult to understand what could be going on given the information you have given. 

Could you expand a bit on this:

Nick said:

My partner seems in control of everything that happens inside our relationship out of necessity, and yet appears to feel out of control, anxious, and angry.

In a rhetorical way, I heard ASC described as an anxiety disorder,  anxiety makes it very difficult to cope ith things and a lot of behaviours are ways to deal with anxiety. . Maybe your partner feels very acutely your emotions about the relationship and  is in a highly anxious state, which makes it even more difficult for him to cope/deal with it. In my personal experience, as an aspie I need to calm down in order to properly communicate and problem solve, so to start sorting it out, you both need to calm down and connect, to regulate your anxiety and arousal levels. 

Hi 

My partner is undiagnosed asc he used to be very controlling and dictated pretty much all aspects of my life. Everything I did was wrong I was useless and stupid, his needs came above mine he also used to get very aggressive, we had not considered asc at that point.

When our daughters one of whom is definitely asc were very young I got to breaking point. Either he had to at least try and change or explain what was happening or I was going and taking the kids (made it clear he would share parenting)  this stopped him in his tracks he opened up about his thought processes and why he tries to control things, still we didn't think asc.

When it became apparent that our eldest daughter was on the spectrum I started reading and researching talking to other autistic adults and it was like a massive eureka moment. He now accepts this and has taken steps to address his controlling behaviour and we set him up a room that is his man cave to hide in when he needs space, and I stopped reacting when he is venting. 

We have been together nearly 11 years and have 3 kids we were in a really toxic relationship but now it is good, not perfect by any means but good.

This may seem irrelevant to your situation but my point is that it can work