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Isolated NT in a relationship with chosen ASC person

Nick

I need a little support really. I don’t know if there’s anyone out there in a relationship with someone with AS?..

I feel terribly alone and my self-confidence seems to be melting!

My partner seems in control of everything that happens inside our relationship out of necessity, and yet appears to feel out of control, anxious, and angry.

I’ve always tried to be open and understanding - but more recently the invalidation I’m experiencing and the lack of understanding is eating away at me, and I’m becoming depressed instead.

I feel as though for every one thing I do, there’s three things I’ve done wrong. Even if it’s terribly mundane, like using the word considerate instead of respectful or getting my own drink when I could have asked for one. 

The talks on why he didn’t do anything wrong and how I’m wrong about my feelings and have to be quiet go on for a long time, they interfere with our life together. And I am then blamed for getting upset in the first place and taking up so much time. I just want a way out of it. 

My partner is terribly defensive and can’t stand me becoming upset about anything he has done or said. I try to deny and hide my feelings, although it doesn’t feel ‘right’. And I think it’s a part of why I am feeling so low. That and he doesn’t seem to enjoy anything, so instead complains, critiques, and doesn’t engage with anything.

I have questioned everything I do for so long, I wonder if he’d be happier on his own. And whether it’s selfish of me to even try and foster an emotional love relationship.

We have tried relationship counselling, which hasn’t gone well (mainly due to the counsellor I feel) and he has seen a ‘regular’ counsellor who didn’t seem to have a working knowledge of ASCs - who annoyed him because they told him if he was unhappy being in a relationship he should leave me. It all seems to deeply confuse and frustrate him more.

Looking to chat, and listen to support for either me or my partner really. I feel I could benefit from reading a book of something so I could understand more and deal with situations better!

At the moment I get upset or shut myself up, cause I’ve come to learn my emotions are a problem. 

Thank you all in advance x

Parents

  • It is sad to hear that you are struggling. The relationship should be a happy place for both partners. Based on what you written, it seems you both are quite distressed, so the communication might not be working on both sides. However it is difficult to understand what could be going on given the information you have given. 

    Could you expand a bit on this:

    Nick said:
    My partner seems in control of everything that happens inside our relationship out of necessity, and yet appears to feel out of control, anxious, and angry.

    In a rhetorical way, I heard ASC described as an anxiety disorder,  anxiety makes it very difficult to cope ith things and a lot of behaviours are ways to deal with anxiety. . Maybe your partner feels very acutely your emotions about the relationship and  is in a highly anxious state, which makes it even more difficult for him to cope/deal with it. In my personal experience, as an aspie I need to calm down in order to properly communicate and problem solve, so to start sorting it out, you both need to calm down and connect, to regulate your anxiety and arousal levels. 

Reply

  • It is sad to hear that you are struggling. The relationship should be a happy place for both partners. Based on what you written, it seems you both are quite distressed, so the communication might not be working on both sides. However it is difficult to understand what could be going on given the information you have given. 

    Could you expand a bit on this:

    Nick said:
    My partner seems in control of everything that happens inside our relationship out of necessity, and yet appears to feel out of control, anxious, and angry.

    In a rhetorical way, I heard ASC described as an anxiety disorder,  anxiety makes it very difficult to cope ith things and a lot of behaviours are ways to deal with anxiety. . Maybe your partner feels very acutely your emotions about the relationship and  is in a highly anxious state, which makes it even more difficult for him to cope/deal with it. In my personal experience, as an aspie I need to calm down in order to properly communicate and problem solve, so to start sorting it out, you both need to calm down and connect, to regulate your anxiety and arousal levels. 

Children
  • in reply to Tinyexplorer

    Yes. I think what you said is fairly accurate! My partner definitely experiences anxiety, and a lot of this is seems to be brought on by other peoples emotions, which he does not seem to always accurately translate. But is highly sensitive to. 

    In recent years I have tried my upmost not to cry or become stressed around him as this seems to bring us into a spiral of anxiety and hypervigilance. He will feel as though I dislike him if I am upset about something he has said, I will feel that he dislikes me for ‘bringing it up’ for example.

    We are able to talk quite openly in our relationship at the right times and have been through quite a lot together. I have suggested to him that when I express unhappiness with something that has happened, that he seems to take it very personally, become defensive, and feel as though I am unhappy with him? And he has said that it is how it is because he is so stressed, he cannot deal with anything else. 

    I do understand this, but at times leaves me walking on eggshells, afraid to say anything, and unhappy with whatever has happened or been said.

    We also have ‘space’ from one another during discussions - in an attempt to stop overwhelm and cross words. However, he has started coming back in with aggression. Saying things like ‘I’m done with the conversation but I’m thinking I have done nothing to apologise for. This is because you’re too sensitive and need to look at yourself - you just piss me off’. It’s also as if he speaks his inner narrative at me? Which is fairly unhelpful, especially when I need time out and am being emotionally affected.

    Thank you again for your reflective response.