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Isolated NT in a relationship with chosen ASC person

Nick

I need a little support really. I don’t know if there’s anyone out there in a relationship with someone with AS?..

I feel terribly alone and my self-confidence seems to be melting!

My partner seems in control of everything that happens inside our relationship out of necessity, and yet appears to feel out of control, anxious, and angry.

I’ve always tried to be open and understanding - but more recently the invalidation I’m experiencing and the lack of understanding is eating away at me, and I’m becoming depressed instead.

I feel as though for every one thing I do, there’s three things I’ve done wrong. Even if it’s terribly mundane, like using the word considerate instead of respectful or getting my own drink when I could have asked for one. 

The talks on why he didn’t do anything wrong and how I’m wrong about my feelings and have to be quiet go on for a long time, they interfere with our life together. And I am then blamed for getting upset in the first place and taking up so much time. I just want a way out of it. 

My partner is terribly defensive and can’t stand me becoming upset about anything he has done or said. I try to deny and hide my feelings, although it doesn’t feel ‘right’. And I think it’s a part of why I am feeling so low. That and he doesn’t seem to enjoy anything, so instead complains, critiques, and doesn’t engage with anything.

I have questioned everything I do for so long, I wonder if he’d be happier on his own. And whether it’s selfish of me to even try and foster an emotional love relationship.

We have tried relationship counselling, which hasn’t gone well (mainly due to the counsellor I feel) and he has seen a ‘regular’ counsellor who didn’t seem to have a working knowledge of ASCs - who annoyed him because they told him if he was unhappy being in a relationship he should leave me. It all seems to deeply confuse and frustrate him more.

Looking to chat, and listen to support for either me or my partner really. I feel I could benefit from reading a book of something so I could understand more and deal with situations better!

At the moment I get upset or shut myself up, cause I’ve come to learn my emotions are a problem. 

Thank you all in advance x

Parents

  • Hi 

    My partner is undiagnosed asc he used to be very controlling and dictated pretty much all aspects of my life. Everything I did was wrong I was useless and stupid, his needs came above mine he also used to get very aggressive, we had not considered asc at that point.

    When our daughters one of whom is definitely asc were very young I got to breaking point. Either he had to at least try and change or explain what was happening or I was going and taking the kids (made it clear he would share parenting)  this stopped him in his tracks he opened up about his thought processes and why he tries to control things, still we didn't think asc.

    When it became apparent that our eldest daughter was on the spectrum I started reading and researching talking to other autistic adults and it was like a massive eureka moment. He now accepts this and has taken steps to address his controlling behaviour and we set him up a room that is his man cave to hide in when he needs space, and I stopped reacting when he is venting. 

    We have been together nearly 11 years and have 3 kids we were in a really toxic relationship but now it is good, not perfect by any means but good.

    This may seem irrelevant to your situation but my point is that it can work 

  • in reply to NAS39248

    Thank you so much for your response.

    I understood what you saying about at least trying to address his behaviours.  I understand that this is very difficult, as I have done a lot of work myself. 

    In an ideal world, I would like my partner to gain some more appropriate counselling and address feelings of depression and anxiety -  as I feel this may help with feelings of needing to be in control and some of the negativity (which at the moment seems fairly exhaustive).

    I will readdress positive coping mechanisms with him when appropriate.

    I am aware that my past means that I am taking a lot of this personally, and I’m speaking to a counsellor about my own triggers as well.

Reply
  • in reply to NAS39248

    Thank you so much for your response.

    I understood what you saying about at least trying to address his behaviours.  I understand that this is very difficult, as I have done a lot of work myself. 

    In an ideal world, I would like my partner to gain some more appropriate counselling and address feelings of depression and anxiety -  as I feel this may help with feelings of needing to be in control and some of the negativity (which at the moment seems fairly exhaustive).

    I will readdress positive coping mechanisms with him when appropriate.

    I am aware that my past means that I am taking a lot of this personally, and I’m speaking to a counsellor about my own triggers as well.

Children
  • in reply to Nick

    It's good that you are speaking to someone for your own well being, 

    My partner would never consider counselling or even seeing any one about things so for us it has really been the reading I have done and talking about the struggles other autistic people have had and the way they have percieved or handled things this gave him the validation that he is not weird or alone and it enabled him to start talking about it. Then we adjusted our home life. 

    Like I said it's not perfect but it's working! 

    Good luck to you