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Isolated NT in a relationship with chosen ASC person

Nick

I need a little support really. I don’t know if there’s anyone out there in a relationship with someone with AS?..

I feel terribly alone and my self-confidence seems to be melting!

My partner seems in control of everything that happens inside our relationship out of necessity, and yet appears to feel out of control, anxious, and angry.

I’ve always tried to be open and understanding - but more recently the invalidation I’m experiencing and the lack of understanding is eating away at me, and I’m becoming depressed instead.

I feel as though for every one thing I do, there’s three things I’ve done wrong. Even if it’s terribly mundane, like using the word considerate instead of respectful or getting my own drink when I could have asked for one. 

The talks on why he didn’t do anything wrong and how I’m wrong about my feelings and have to be quiet go on for a long time, they interfere with our life together. And I am then blamed for getting upset in the first place and taking up so much time. I just want a way out of it. 

My partner is terribly defensive and can’t stand me becoming upset about anything he has done or said. I try to deny and hide my feelings, although it doesn’t feel ‘right’. And I think it’s a part of why I am feeling so low. That and he doesn’t seem to enjoy anything, so instead complains, critiques, and doesn’t engage with anything.

I have questioned everything I do for so long, I wonder if he’d be happier on his own. And whether it’s selfish of me to even try and foster an emotional love relationship.

We have tried relationship counselling, which hasn’t gone well (mainly due to the counsellor I feel) and he has seen a ‘regular’ counsellor who didn’t seem to have a working knowledge of ASCs - who annoyed him because they told him if he was unhappy being in a relationship he should leave me. It all seems to deeply confuse and frustrate him more.

Looking to chat, and listen to support for either me or my partner really. I feel I could benefit from reading a book of something so I could understand more and deal with situations better!

At the moment I get upset or shut myself up, cause I’ve come to learn my emotions are a problem. 

Thank you all in advance x

Parents
  • Nick said:
    like using the word considerate instead of respectful

    Reading that part was a bit much for me. There's traits, triggers, and things you have to adapt to in a relationship with someone on the spectrum. I'm on the spectrum myself, but that just sounds like a nightmare. Bordering on abusive control. I can understand a lot of stuff, but that just sounds too much. I'm not going to defend something like that just because he shares the same condition as me.

    Nick said:
    I have questioned everything I do for so long, I wonder if he’d be happier on his own.

    The question here is would you? Sounds like you will bend over backwards, and you are putting in all the effort and getting even more flak for doing so.

    It's fine being NT, it's fine being autistic, it's not fine being a controlling abusive ***.

  • in reply to Cloudy Mountains

    Except we don't know at all the context and what the difference between those two words could represent to  the autistic partner.

    I could see how 'considerate' could be used by some hate groups in a patronising autism disparaging way, so it becomes loaded with discrimination, which cannot have any place in a relationship.

    If the couple tried one of those counsellors that are informed by discriminatory model of the relationship promoted by autism hate groups, than any reference to it and any language associated with it would just be a red flag that totally undermines the trust and the safety of the relationship. It is clear from the OP is that both partners are distressed, the autistic partner is feeling very 'sensitised', i.e. allergic to something. If they used some of those groups, the first thing is to unlearn that and detoxify the relationship.

  • in reply to Tinyexplorer
    Tinyexplorer said:
    I could see how 'considerate' could be used by some hate groups in a patronising autism disparaging way, so it becomes loaded with discrimination, which cannot have any place in a relationship.

    This is a thread about a relationship between two people, there are no "hate groups" involved. You are adding your own context. 

    Tinyexplorer said:
    If the couple tried one of those counsellors that are informed by discriminatory model of the relationship promoted by autism hate groups, than any reference to it and any language associated with it would just be a red flag that totally undermines the trust and the safety of the relationship.

    I'm thinking that you feel people on the spectrum are beyond reproach. They aren't. Again I fail to see what "hate groups" have to do with anything. You are reaching.

    Tinyexplorer said:
    It is clear from the OP is that both partners are distressed, the autistic partner is feeling very 'sensitised', i.e. allergic to something.

    Yes, common decency.

    Tinyexplorer said:
    If they used some of those groups, the first thing is to unlearn that and detoxify the relationship.

    If we shouldn't judge without context, you don't seem to extend that to yourself. Rather than take it at face value, you've created a whole scenario around a context that may not exist.

    I'm not going to defend something that sounds rather abusive, just because the person is ASC. If it was happening to you would you cling to some form of fabricated identitarian excuse, or call it out for what it looks like?

Reply
  • in reply to Tinyexplorer
    Tinyexplorer said:
    I could see how 'considerate' could be used by some hate groups in a patronising autism disparaging way, so it becomes loaded with discrimination, which cannot have any place in a relationship.

    This is a thread about a relationship between two people, there are no "hate groups" involved. You are adding your own context. 

    Tinyexplorer said:
    If the couple tried one of those counsellors that are informed by discriminatory model of the relationship promoted by autism hate groups, than any reference to it and any language associated with it would just be a red flag that totally undermines the trust and the safety of the relationship.

    I'm thinking that you feel people on the spectrum are beyond reproach. They aren't. Again I fail to see what "hate groups" have to do with anything. You are reaching.

    Tinyexplorer said:
    It is clear from the OP is that both partners are distressed, the autistic partner is feeling very 'sensitised', i.e. allergic to something.

    Yes, common decency.

    Tinyexplorer said:
    If they used some of those groups, the first thing is to unlearn that and detoxify the relationship.

    If we shouldn't judge without context, you don't seem to extend that to yourself. Rather than take it at face value, you've created a whole scenario around a context that may not exist.

    I'm not going to defend something that sounds rather abusive, just because the person is ASC. If it was happening to you would you cling to some form of fabricated identitarian excuse, or call it out for what it looks like?

Children
  • in reply to Tinyexplorer
    Tinyexplorer said:
    Cloudy, we don't need to argue, we are not opponents, not hate figures.

    We don't need to argue, or agree for that matter, we aren't opponents, and contrary to your previous aspersions I'm far from "defensive about hate groups". That was a cheap shot, and baseless.

    Tinyexplorer said:
    We are all wearing the scars of the past which can be triggering.

    Being misrepresented just because someone doesn't agree with what you are saying is irksome, and underhanded. I wouldn't call calling you out on that "being triggered". I'd call it a reasonable response to false representation, not an overreaction that can be reframed by calling it "being triggered". It's there in black and white so people can see it for what it is.

    Tinyexplorer said:
    Let's make piece.

    There wasn't any conflict there, as I said I don't appreciate being tarred with a brush, by someone who knows very little about me. 

    Let's move forward then.

    Tinyexplorer said:
    I love the mountains in your profile, which artist is that?

    Mi Youren. It's called Cloudy Mountains. Hence the name.

    Tinyexplorer said:
    I am really touched by what you wrote, that colours have sounds.

    I have Synaesthesia as part and parcel of my ASC, so they literally do. There is some overlap between the two conditions, it's far more prevelant in people on the spectrum.

    Tinyexplorer said:
    Is it why you like they grayscale landscapes, they are not overstimulating?

    No, I just like that painting in particular. It's unusual for a painting of that era to have much background on it due to the ethos of the movement.

    Tinyexplorer said:
    I love Chinese and Japanese landscape art.

    I like the train of thought that some of the Taoist paintings convey. There are portraits where the subject is miniscule, and the landscape dominates.

  • in reply to Cloudy Mountains

    Cloudy, we don't need to argue, we are not opponents, not hate figures. We are all wearing the scars of the past which can be triggering. Let's make piece.

    I love the mountains in your profile, which artist is that?

    I am really touched by what you wrote, that colours have sounds. My mother was like that, I didn't inherit that. Is it why you like they grayscale landscapes, they are not overstimulating? I love Chinese and Japanese landscape art.

  • in reply to Tinyexplorer
    Tinyexplorer said:
    Cloudy, there is no need to become combative. You are surprisingly defensive about hate groups.

    With a starting statement that tries to paint me with an imaginary brush as some kind of hate figure as a strawman, I won't bother engaging with you as not to cause offense, feigned or otherwise.

    Tinyexplorer said:
    I am surprised that you are trying to assign intentions to me.

    But it's perfectly fine for you to do so apparently.

  • in reply to Cloudy Mountains
    Cloudy Mountains said:
    I'm not going to defend something that sounds rather abusive, just because the person is ASC. If it was happening to you would you cling to some form of fabricated identitarian excuse, or call it out for what it looks like?

    Cloudy, there is no need to become combative. You are surprisingly defensive about hate groups.

    None of us are required to defend anything, nor are we required or indeed entitled to accuse people of abuse while in fact we have no idea neither of the facts, nor of the feelings of the two people involved. This is an anonymous forum on which people are presenting selective information that is one sided and subjective.

    I  think when people seek advice to improve the relationship, to be helpful in is appropriate to explore and understand the context and perspectives a bit.

    Everybody when talking have their own context. You too. Your sudden unwarranted bringing up of 'abuse' from the AS partner reflects your context, as does your combative defensiveness about what I said. I am not sure it is possible and meaningful to engage without seeking to understand the context of another person.

    I am not judging anyone, neither am I defending, just trying to understand. For the moment the discussion is about symptoms, but the real underlying issues are not clear even to OP. 

    In reality only the two people involved really know, but may not fully realise the psychological significance of what really goes on. This is why people are seeking advice from counseling or indeed at a forum. People need help untangling things with which they are too close to see. Cloud7 and Plastic just touched on them.

    My 'if' statements are indeed just 'if' statements, they are not pointing or exonerating blame and I am surprised that you are trying to assign intentions to me. OP stated they had counselling that was unhelpful because of particular therapist.

    There are therapists around that I saw described as 'anti men' and as 'anti ASC'. Some are trained and informed by people who promote a discriminatory model of the relationship, which victimises the autistic partner for being 'abusive' just by the fact of them being autistic, which means just by the fact of their existence. This approach doesn't have the theoretical and the ethical basis to be helpful to anyone. It is completely toxic.

    Clearly, nobody should stay in an abusive relationship, or even in a relationship they no longer want to be in for whatever reasons. However, it takes two to tango, both partners are equally responsible for making their communication and relationship work for each-other. OP stated the desire to make it work with her chosen person. As Plastic said they need to work together to remove the barriers.

    Autism is not a fabricated excuse, but a neurological reality. It looks like the two partners are struggling with some form of the double empathy problem, they need some help to bridge that gap and establish some good habits and routines, like Plastic suggested,  in reading each-other's signals correctly, acknowledging those signals in the correct way (they way that works), reinforcing the signals of love, safety and connectedness and removing the 'noise' that gets in a way of such connection.