Isolated NT in a relationship with chosen ASC person

Nick said:

like using the word considerate instead of respectful

Reading that part was a bit much for me. There's traits, triggers, and things you have to adapt to in a relationship with someone on the spectrum. I'm on the spectrum myself, but that just sounds like a nightmare. Bordering on abusive control. I can understand a lot of stuff, but that just sounds too much. I'm not going to defend something like that just because he shares the same condition as me.

Nick said:

I have questioned everything I do for so long, I wonder if he’d be happier on his own.

The question here is would you? Sounds like you will bend over backwards, and you are putting in all the effort and getting even more flak for doing so.

It's fine being NT, it's fine being autistic, it's not fine being a controlling abusive ***.

Except we don't know at all the context and what the difference between those two words could represent to  the autistic partner.

I could see how 'considerate' could be used by some hate groups in a patronising autism disparaging way, so it becomes loaded with discrimination, which cannot have any place in a relationship.

If the couple tried one of those counsellors that are informed by discriminatory model of the relationship promoted by autism hate groups, than any reference to it and any language associated with it would just be a red flag that totally undermines the trust and the safety of the relationship. It is clear from the OP is that both partners are distressed, the autistic partner is feeling very 'sensitised', i.e. allergic to something. If they used some of those groups, the first thing is to unlearn that and detoxify the relationship.

Thank you for your reply. I don’t think that there was a lot of difference between these two words for my partner honestly – sometimes when he is feeling very sensitised he will come out with a lot of hurtful things,  and either not remember saying them or not want to talk about them because he didn’t mean them. He will argue for example that I was telling him he isn’t respectful, when I say I don’t feel he’s being respectful of my feelings in the moment and we need some space. I honestly can’t remember which way round he wanted these words now. It goes on for so long and is so high energy and exhausting, I can’t take anything in.

I don’t really understand what you have said about hate groups but I have a good understanding of ASC and it’s not something I would tolerate discrimination towards. 

Thank you for your reply. I don’t think that there was a lot of difference between these two words for my partner honestly – sometimes when he is feeling very sensitised he will come out with a lot of hurtful things,  and either not remember saying them or not want to talk about them because he didn’t mean them. He will argue for example that I was telling him he isn’t respectful, when I say I don’t feel he’s being respectful of my feelings in the moment and we need some space. I honestly can’t remember which way round he wanted these words now. It goes on for so long and is so high energy and exhausting, I can’t take anything in.

I don’t really understand what you have said about hate groups but I have a good understanding of ASC and it’s not something I would tolerate discrimination towards. 

Yes! This is what we have been working to do. I have not seen it explained by the 'double empathy problem'. It's very interesting and will be reading more. It sums us up really, we really want to be there for one another but don't always seem to be hearing what the other means. Like there's a flter distortion between us. When it happens over and over, as Cloud7's partner, I need a cuddle and kind words. And at the same time, my partner needs silence and no stimulation. It upsets both of us.

I do think I meant that I was experiencing disrespect towards my boundries when I said the 'consideration of my feelings' comment. I was being told off for trying to do something for myself whilst in high levels of pain, and passing out. Whist I'm being told I'm wrong rather than being validated, it does feel as though I'm being kicked whilst down. I wasn't trying to talk... I guess what I was saying was 'collapsing was enough to tell me I'm incapable, you telling me I am too is hurting me'?

We will continue to work on wording and communication! I do feel our current problems are due to stress my partner has little coping straegy for - and how much energy he is able to put into a relationship on top of all of that. As he says, he is paid to talk to people at work! I would always rather he said that he needs time out, that shout though. And that is something he understands, until he becomes overwhelmed and then I don't know what's up. It's tough to feel like a sounding board then.

It's going to mean effort from both sides.

Nick said:

He will argue for example that I was telling him he isn’t respectful, when I say I don’t feel he’s being respectful of my feelings in the moment

This is exactly it. It links to what Plastic and Cloud7 said.

'Not being 'respectful of my feelings' is hugely triggering, it is loaded with layers of misunderstanding, assumptions, wrapped into an accusation, so one feels out of control in an emotional explosion, the need to defend and reject all those assumptions (as Cloud7 started to explain), while in fact what you are saying is 'please listen to my feelings', which is different.

To actually 'listen' and 'hear' each-other, you need to 'silence' all this anxiety and guilt and blame and frustration. Otherwise your are simply not in a state to hear each-other due to the double empathy problem.

When people are triggered, are in a state of high emotional arousal, our intelligent human brain is off line, the part of the brain in charge is the primitive reptilian brain, it doesn't have any capacity for nuance, dialogue and compromise. It just wants to fight, freeze of flight.  And those are the reactions  that come out, as Cloud7 describes - anger, muteness and withdrawal. The fight response comes in form of arguing and anger.

So to really start communicating, both partners need to be in a calm enough mode when the intelligent human brain can be in control. There are Psychotherapists that are trained in helping people to regulate each-others emotions and arousal. I found that type of therapy really helpful for my ASC problems. 

As mentioned above, you might like to understand the Double empathy problem and how understanding it might help to improve communication.

https://network.autism.org.uk/knowledge/insight-opinion/double-empathy-problem

I think the first step in bridging the double empathy gap is to regulate the emotional state.  

Plastic pointed out how seemingly small things could be very important triggers or signals of love and safety, how they can be calming and positive.

Plastic said:

You both need to find a way to communicate with each other and find agreement about all the little stuff to de-fuse it all so you can get on with the important stuff.

Agreement about the little stuff means you will both feel valued as you both understand WHY you each do the things you do.

Once you are in state to list to each-other, you need to start learning each-other's language. What certain gestures, behaviours and responses actually mean and how to read  and send signals that the other partner can register and understand. With my therapist, we literally acted situations that triggered me at home and found the 'translations' of what they meant and how to better handle such situations.

Then you might start developing some routines, some habits of signalling things that important to the partner in the language they can read, the way to be 'nice' as Cloud7 says. I mean this for both partners, because you are both misreading each-other.