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Isolated NT in a relationship with chosen ASC person

Nick

I need a little support really. I don’t know if there’s anyone out there in a relationship with someone with AS?..

I feel terribly alone and my self-confidence seems to be melting!

My partner seems in control of everything that happens inside our relationship out of necessity, and yet appears to feel out of control, anxious, and angry.

I’ve always tried to be open and understanding - but more recently the invalidation I’m experiencing and the lack of understanding is eating away at me, and I’m becoming depressed instead.

I feel as though for every one thing I do, there’s three things I’ve done wrong. Even if it’s terribly mundane, like using the word considerate instead of respectful or getting my own drink when I could have asked for one. 

The talks on why he didn’t do anything wrong and how I’m wrong about my feelings and have to be quiet go on for a long time, they interfere with our life together. And I am then blamed for getting upset in the first place and taking up so much time. I just want a way out of it. 

My partner is terribly defensive and can’t stand me becoming upset about anything he has done or said. I try to deny and hide my feelings, although it doesn’t feel ‘right’. And I think it’s a part of why I am feeling so low. That and he doesn’t seem to enjoy anything, so instead complains, critiques, and doesn’t engage with anything.

I have questioned everything I do for so long, I wonder if he’d be happier on his own. And whether it’s selfish of me to even try and foster an emotional love relationship.

We have tried relationship counselling, which hasn’t gone well (mainly due to the counsellor I feel) and he has seen a ‘regular’ counsellor who didn’t seem to have a working knowledge of ASCs - who annoyed him because they told him if he was unhappy being in a relationship he should leave me. It all seems to deeply confuse and frustrate him more.

Looking to chat, and listen to support for either me or my partner really. I feel I could benefit from reading a book of something so I could understand more and deal with situations better!

At the moment I get upset or shut myself up, cause I’ve come to learn my emotions are a problem. 

Thank you all in advance x

Parents

  • There is often a huge disconnect where people try to fit in with what is expected of them by their friends and family and the work environment but deep down they realise it's not right for them.  When people get into relationships, they are actually taking on the other person's family background and their habits too.

    If this is too far from their own expectations, it causes tension in the relationship as you both negotiate a happy middle ground where you're both happy.

    It can be based in a million little things that you're used to doing - like one piling stuff in the sink and the other needing to leave the kitchen tidy -  to not emptying the bins or the way they hoover the carpets being done the 'wrong' way.

    ASD people tend to have discovered what they think is the right way to do things and the way others do things is often seen as crazy, inefficient and not sensible.  

    The more of this we have to deal with, the more low-level stress we're under.  It can make us 'touchy' and picky.

    You both need to find a way to communicate with each other and find agreement about all the little stuff to de-fuse it all so you can get on with the important stuff.

    Agreement about the little stuff means you will both feel valued as you both understand WHY you each do the things you do.

    If he is logical and sensible, he will happily come to an agreement with you - more out of self-preservation and as a stress reduction.

    If he's just a domineering A-hole, he'll demand his way over everything - but at least you'll know where you are.

    Communication is everything.

Reply

  • There is often a huge disconnect where people try to fit in with what is expected of them by their friends and family and the work environment but deep down they realise it's not right for them.  When people get into relationships, they are actually taking on the other person's family background and their habits too.

    If this is too far from their own expectations, it causes tension in the relationship as you both negotiate a happy middle ground where you're both happy.

    It can be based in a million little things that you're used to doing - like one piling stuff in the sink and the other needing to leave the kitchen tidy -  to not emptying the bins or the way they hoover the carpets being done the 'wrong' way.

    ASD people tend to have discovered what they think is the right way to do things and the way others do things is often seen as crazy, inefficient and not sensible.  

    The more of this we have to deal with, the more low-level stress we're under.  It can make us 'touchy' and picky.

    You both need to find a way to communicate with each other and find agreement about all the little stuff to de-fuse it all so you can get on with the important stuff.

    Agreement about the little stuff means you will both feel valued as you both understand WHY you each do the things you do.

    If he is logical and sensible, he will happily come to an agreement with you - more out of self-preservation and as a stress reduction.

    If he's just a domineering A-hole, he'll demand his way over everything - but at least you'll know where you are.

    Communication is everything.

Children
  • in reply to Plastic

    Thank you very much for your response. This is spot-on. At the beginning of any relationship there is always a time where we kind of try and figure each other out, it was during this time around a year ago that we started to explore a ASC diagnosis for my SO.  The dynamics with what happens in around the house is further complicated as until two years ago I was independent, and am now disabled.

    Which causes further low-level stress as there are things that need to be done differently when I’m having a good day versus when I’m having a bad day. The change in routine and planning seems to cause a rumble for around 24 hours, so we both try to tread lightly. 

    The things I do (that are seen as inefficient, or energy wasting) further exasperate my partner if he feels he could do something instead of me too, because of this dynamic.  Over the years we have been together I have quietly reminded him that sometimes I like to do things if I can, even if it would be easier or quicker for him to do it - to maintain some independence.

    It is difficult to see sometimes whether he would like everything his way, or whether he is so stressed about me not feeling well - that he’s trying to solve the problem by cutting me out of the equation! Either way I am going to keep doing things for myself and explaining why. Hopefully he’ll accept that I do things for myself differently?