Autism and Divorce

Hi 

what is your situation now three years later, did you continue to stay together for your son? 
I am currently separating from my spouse my autistic daughter is 5 years old. I am still at the beginning of all the organising that goes with separation, but we too thought to carry on living in same space for a while. 
but my daughter isn’t silly and sees the different attitude and behaviour between us. 

Dear Devonfamilyuk, I see you posted only one thread about two years ago, in that post you tell of a horrific holiday you took your son on. You tell how you did everything you could for him and were badly let down by the holiday company.

You come across as a caring and devoted father, 

I am sorry I took offence at your words here, but I had no idea other than what I had in front of me to base my reactions on.

Please accept my apologies, 

i do not mean lawyers or solicitors,,, You suggested he get some legal advice quick! Will that benefit the child or his pocket?

you assume his partner may be all out to take everything! ( bargaining chips) Why? Maybe she is the one who doesn’t want a divorce? To suggest she will take it all in some way is wrong... no facts,,, other than his concern about living rough... he will pay according to his income and outgoings,,,, fact... not always perfect,,,,

I thought only of the child,,m the marriage isn’t working,, we do not know why,, even if the op tells us it will be his version of the truth.... 

Ok I feel I have missed the point... I assumed the op came here to seek help and guidance on how best to help an autistic child through the divorce,,, you seem to be focusing purely on money,,,wealth,,possessions,,,who gets what,,, the blame game,,, who did what,,,

This is not a divorce guidance forum for neurotypical, the op does not say he is autistic, therefore he should state wether he is or focus purely on understanding his child’s forth coming needs.

May I ask if you or your wife are autistic?.you give little information,,,and yet you ask advice,,,the advice you will receive should be about autism! Not marriage guidance or divorce etiquette for two non autistic adults,,, I have no clue as to how a neurotypical adult will cope or deal with this, I can only comment on how an autistic child may feel,,, may I suggest you re read Trogluddite s reply,,,it has very good advice on how it might effect your son... for informatin on marriage and divorce you really need to find another resource, we are not known for fully understanding neurotypical mindsets.

Please think about your son and his needs,,, 

I am perplexed by your words,,,

) ( said:

regardless of who WINS

You mean the lawyers/solicitors then. 

[kinda odd that soliciting is a crime...]

) ( said:

he also clearly tells how it would be best if both parents work together to achieve the best outcome

This is all very well in theory. In practice, attempts at magnanimity may simply be used to press home an advantage. If your ex just wants to see you in sack cloth and ashes and is prepared to use children as a means to that end...

“Despite whatever acrimony occurs, and no matter how much money the ex- manages to extract, there *will* be serious repercussions for the OP's kids.”

yes regardless of who WINS,,,,the child will be effected,,,,the OP hardly mentions his child, only how it will effect him, his wealth, his business,,,, 

Trogluddite has given very good advice as to how best to help the child,,,, he also clearly tells how it would be best if both parents work together to achieve the best outcome,,, not based on possession or wealth.....

a young child is likely to be hurt,,, the business man has choices, Staying together in fear? If that is a reality then who fears who?

 It is relevant,,, you cannot just say that and not elaborate,,,,

The OP is clearly scared - and with good reason. 

Despite whatever acrimony occurs, and no matter how much money the ex- manages to extract, there *will* be serious repercussions for the OP's kids.

As I have previously alluded to, my eldest experienced persistent social difficulties because of his autism which ultimately left him suicidal. I assert that the parent who is awarded custody does not automatically "know best" -particularly if they don't really understand autism and are too busy with their own new life.

I suggest you get some professional legal advice. Fast.

Try to stay civil with your ex, for the sake of your kid(s). Be mentally/ emotionally prepared that kid(s) could be used against you as bargaining chips. They may well get to hear a particular version of "truth" from your ex, if they are the one granted custody. Of course, you can't put them in the middle, which means they are going to believe what they've been told about you. 

“Staying together out of fear is making our situation worse”.

Who fears who?

no need to say,,,,I am struggling to see what your reasons for coming here are,,, you have received very good advice as to how your SON will feel,,,,surely he is the important one in all this,,, you talk of loosing wealth,,, possessions,,Maybe me being autistic and having real empathy can only see how it will effect your son... you are a business man with money and options,,,m 

sorry,,,,I cannot help you,,,, I am sad right now,,, life does that to me,,,often,,,,

please take care and forgive my attitude.... I hope all works out ok for all of you...

ok,,,,so again about you sleeping rough! And how it might effect him,,,,,he will be ok,,,he will have your house and money and a mother living with him,,,,bye bye,,,,take care,,,,

It might have a an effect on him if he spends my weekends with me sleeping rough.

You seem only concerned with your potential loss?

 What about your son?

does he matter?

I am the sole source of income for the family, will I be wiped out in terms of money? It never crossed my mind that I could loose my business, home and family in one moment. How would the law go against me in terms of maintence, mortgages etc? Fear is now complete panic! Err help?

My first marriage finally collapsed when it belatedly dawned on me that staying for the sake of my eldest son was nevertheless damaging him because of the constant rowing between his parents. 

At the time, we didn't know our son was autistic, and I didn't know I was, either(!)

The divorce was acrimonious, and it cost me everything I had. I am still making maintenance payments, even though son #1 is now twenty years old.

Marriage #2 feels like it's on its last legs. Our son is probably on the spectrum. I just don't think my wife wants to be married to someone autistic. She wants me to be less autistic by somehow learning to be normal. Somehow, the future seems like a bit of a forgone conclusion. 

Welcome.

I'm sorry to hear that you find yourself in this situation. I have no experience of being married, let alone getting divorced, but I was an autistic child just a little bit older than your son when my parents divorced.

Firstly, it is my belief that "staying together out of fear" is not the right solution, either for you, your wife, or for your son. Despite the best will in the world to conceal your conflicts from your son, he is still likely to notice that something is amiss, and all the more so if the situation worsens. Adult behaviour is baffling enough for any ten year old, but particularly so if you're autistic; why don't we do the same things together that we used to? why are Mum and Dad using different words than they used to? why don't they hug and kiss any more? what do those very serious-sounding, muffled voices at night mean when they think I'm asleep? and most importantly of all; is this something to do with me? You need to emphasise that your divorce is a "grown ups" thing that your son is in no way the cause of, and I suggest that you and your wife talk to him about this together if you can, so that he understands that it's a mutually agreed situation; even the smallest, unintended differences between your narratives might lead to a lot of confusion if you speak to him individually.

When Mum or Dad moves away, this can also be very stressful. Autistic people generally don't like their settled routines being changed, for a start, and the moved-away parent's new home is possibly a scary place because it's so unfamiliar. Creating some commonality in the environment and the things that you do together may help with this; e.g. having the same comforting toys, cartoons, films etc. available in the new home, allowing him to bring a familiar friend with him, etc. It also creates the problem of time management; Mum and Dad, quite rightly, expect their own time with their child, but this increases the overall amount of time that the child has to spend interacting with adults and not relaxing in their own little world. So be wary of being over-enthusiastic because it's your turn to be carer and want to cram every moment full of shared experiences; it can be very overwhelming, especially when still acclimatising to the new living arrangements.

Best wishes for all of you.

time, space, communication, logic, is key... as well as love x

I’m a divorced woman whose autistic if that helps... my son may be autistic... the ordered world created needs protecting and clear guidance given re what to expect. Chaos is horrid!