Autism and Divorce

Welcome.

I'm sorry to hear that you find yourself in this situation. I have no experience of being married, let alone getting divorced, but I was an autistic child just a little bit older than your son when my parents divorced.

Firstly, it is my belief that "staying together out of fear" is not the right solution, either for you, your wife, or for your son. Despite the best will in the world to conceal your conflicts from your son, he is still likely to notice that something is amiss, and all the more so if the situation worsens. Adult behaviour is baffling enough for any ten year old, but particularly so if you're autistic; why don't we do the same things together that we used to? why are Mum and Dad using different words than they used to? why don't they hug and kiss any more? what do those very serious-sounding, muffled voices at night mean when they think I'm asleep? and most importantly of all; is this something to do with me? You need to emphasise that your divorce is a "grown ups" thing that your son is in no way the cause of, and I suggest that you and your wife talk to him about this together if you can, so that he understands that it's a mutually agreed situation; even the smallest, unintended differences between your narratives might lead to a lot of confusion if you speak to him individually.

When Mum or Dad moves away, this can also be very stressful. Autistic people generally don't like their settled routines being changed, for a start, and the moved-away parent's new home is possibly a scary place because it's so unfamiliar. Creating some commonality in the environment and the things that you do together may help with this; e.g. having the same comforting toys, cartoons, films etc. available in the new home, allowing him to bring a familiar friend with him, etc. It also creates the problem of time management; Mum and Dad, quite rightly, expect their own time with their child, but this increases the overall amount of time that the child has to spend interacting with adults and not relaxing in their own little world. So be wary of being over-enthusiastic because it's your turn to be carer and want to cram every moment full of shared experiences; it can be very overwhelming, especially when still acclimatising to the new living arrangements.

Best wishes for all of you.

Welcome.

I'm sorry to hear that you find yourself in this situation. I have no experience of being married, let alone getting divorced, but I was an autistic child just a little bit older than your son when my parents divorced.

Firstly, it is my belief that "staying together out of fear" is not the right solution, either for you, your wife, or for your son. Despite the best will in the world to conceal your conflicts from your son, he is still likely to notice that something is amiss, and all the more so if the situation worsens. Adult behaviour is baffling enough for any ten year old, but particularly so if you're autistic; why don't we do the same things together that we used to? why are Mum and Dad using different words than they used to? why don't they hug and kiss any more? what do those very serious-sounding, muffled voices at night mean when they think I'm asleep? and most importantly of all; is this something to do with me? You need to emphasise that your divorce is a "grown ups" thing that your son is in no way the cause of, and I suggest that you and your wife talk to him about this together if you can, so that he understands that it's a mutually agreed situation; even the smallest, unintended differences between your narratives might lead to a lot of confusion if you speak to him individually.

When Mum or Dad moves away, this can also be very stressful. Autistic people generally don't like their settled routines being changed, for a start, and the moved-away parent's new home is possibly a scary place because it's so unfamiliar. Creating some commonality in the environment and the things that you do together may help with this; e.g. having the same comforting toys, cartoons, films etc. available in the new home, allowing him to bring a familiar friend with him, etc. It also creates the problem of time management; Mum and Dad, quite rightly, expect their own time with their child, but this increases the overall amount of time that the child has to spend interacting with adults and not relaxing in their own little world. So be wary of being over-enthusiastic because it's your turn to be carer and want to cram every moment full of shared experiences; it can be very overwhelming, especially when still acclimatising to the new living arrangements.

Best wishes for all of you.