Autism and Divorce

My first marriage finally collapsed when it belatedly dawned on me that staying for the sake of my eldest son was nevertheless damaging him because of the constant rowing between his parents. 

At the time, we didn't know our son was autistic, and I didn't know I was, either(!)

The divorce was acrimonious, and it cost me everything I had. I am still making maintenance payments, even though son #1 is now twenty years old.

Marriage #2 feels like it's on its last legs. Our son is probably on the spectrum. I just don't think my wife wants to be married to someone autistic. She wants me to be less autistic by somehow learning to be normal. Somehow, the future seems like a bit of a forgone conclusion. 

I am the sole source of income for the family, will I be wiped out in terms of money? It never crossed my mind that I could loose my business, home and family in one moment. How would the law go against me in terms of maintence, mortgages etc? Fear is now complete panic! Err help?

I am the sole source of income for the family, will I be wiped out in terms of money? It never crossed my mind that I could loose my business, home and family in one moment. How would the law go against me in terms of maintence, mortgages etc? Fear is now complete panic! Err help?

i do not mean lawyers or solicitors,,, You suggested he get some legal advice quick! Will that benefit the child or his pocket?

you assume his partner may be all out to take everything! ( bargaining chips) Why? Maybe she is the one who doesn’t want a divorce? To suggest she will take it all in some way is wrong... no facts,,, other than his concern about living rough... he will pay according to his income and outgoings,,,, fact... not always perfect,,,,

I thought only of the child,,m the marriage isn’t working,, we do not know why,, even if the op tells us it will be his version of the truth.... 

Ok I feel I have missed the point... I assumed the op came here to seek help and guidance on how best to help an autistic child through the divorce,,, you seem to be focusing purely on money,,,wealth,,possessions,,,who gets what,,, the blame game,,, who did what,,,

This is not a divorce guidance forum for neurotypical, the op does not say he is autistic, therefore he should state wether he is or focus purely on understanding his child’s forth coming needs.

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regardless of who WINS

You mean the lawyers/solicitors then. 

[kinda odd that soliciting is a crime...]

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he also clearly tells how it would be best if both parents work together to achieve the best outcome

This is all very well in theory. In practice, attempts at magnanimity may simply be used to press home an advantage. If your ex just wants to see you in sack cloth and ashes and is prepared to use children as a means to that end...

“Despite whatever acrimony occurs, and no matter how much money the ex- manages to extract, there *will* be serious repercussions for the OP's kids.”

yes regardless of who WINS,,,,the child will be effected,,,,the OP hardly mentions his child, only how it will effect him, his wealth, his business,,,, 

Trogluddite has given very good advice as to how best to help the child,,,, he also clearly tells how it would be best if both parents work together to achieve the best outcome,,, not based on possession or wealth.....

a young child is likely to be hurt,,, the business man has choices, Staying together in fear? If that is a reality then who fears who?

 It is relevant,,, you cannot just say that and not elaborate,,,,

The OP is clearly scared - and with good reason. 

Despite whatever acrimony occurs, and no matter how much money the ex- manages to extract, there *will* be serious repercussions for the OP's kids.

As I have previously alluded to, my eldest experienced persistent social difficulties because of his autism which ultimately left him suicidal. I assert that the parent who is awarded custody does not automatically "know best" -particularly if they don't really understand autism and are too busy with their own new life.

I suggest you get some professional legal advice. Fast.

Try to stay civil with your ex, for the sake of your kid(s). Be mentally/ emotionally prepared that kid(s) could be used against you as bargaining chips. They may well get to hear a particular version of "truth" from your ex, if they are the one granted custody. Of course, you can't put them in the middle, which means they are going to believe what they've been told about you. 

“Staying together out of fear is making our situation worse”.

Who fears who?

no need to say,,,,I am struggling to see what your reasons for coming here are,,, you have received very good advice as to how your SON will feel,,,,surely he is the important one in all this,,, you talk of loosing wealth,,, possessions,,Maybe me being autistic and having real empathy can only see how it will effect your son... you are a business man with money and options,,,m 

sorry,,,,I cannot help you,,,, I am sad right now,,, life does that to me,,,often,,,,

please take care and forgive my attitude.... I hope all works out ok for all of you...

ok,,,,so again about you sleeping rough! And how it might effect him,,,,,he will be ok,,,he will have your house and money and a mother living with him,,,,bye bye,,,,take care,,,,

It might have a an effect on him if he spends my weekends with me sleeping rough.

You seem only concerned with your potential loss?

 What about your son?

does he matter?