That horrible feeling

shoekitten said:

I got in work very late today after being sent on a course that I wasn't booked for (her fault) given 3 big jobs to take care of . Then at 12.30 she tells me the case study I was given to write for Friday this week is in fact due at 2pm today! Had to work through lunch in a brain burning frenzy. I got it done by 2.03pm. She knows I can't deal with sudden changes to my schedule,especially major stuff like case studies (usually have a week to do them). She's setting me up to fail..I know she is!

It looks to me as though she's undermining your diagnosis. In her head, you can do it and your just being awkward or don't realise your potential? In some of my previous places of work I've heard people saying such things.

I know this might sound silly, but I think people with AS are attracted to certain careers and people with personality disorder's are attracted to other's. I personally think a lot management and HR people have personallity disorders, not all or course, but the little niggly ankle biter kinds. 

I got in work very late today after being sent on a course that I wasn't booked for (her fault) given 3 big jobs to take care of . Then at 12.30 she tells me the case study I was given to write for Friday this week is in fact due at 2pm today! Had to work through lunch in a brain burning frenzy. I got it done by 2.03pm. She knows I can't deal with sudden changes to my schedule,especially major stuff like case studies (usually have a week to do them). She's setting me up to fail..I know she is!

I've been diagnosed fairly recently and before that I suffered and still do, from really bad anxiety. I'm just not comfortable in social situations a lot of the time and work is really a challenge. May I suggest Dubin's book on  Aspergers and Anxiety? It really helped me put a few things in order and find new ways of interpeting particular situations. If you're feeling paranoid, this book could really help :)

Hey, 

Im afriad this is not at all a AS matter... i have lived through so tough times and learnt a lot about the human behaviour along the way. The reality is that not every person cares and wont care if they dont need to. At times this can be hurtful and nice people never seem to get the respect they deserve. its all about confidence and believeing in yourself. NEVER let someone make you feel that your not important because at the end of the day were all people who have come on this earth and will leave in the same way, rich, poor, fat, thin... were all the same! somepeople are just stupid and think there to good for somepeople. Half the time this is a sad thing because the more people that think there too good for someone loses the chance to have a friend for life. I wouldnt worry at all about these people. if they dont wont to bother its there loss not yours just remember be confident and take life as a pinch of salt as worrying is like a rocking chair it gives you something to do but will get you no where :-) take care x

Thank you again! I will find this book.

If I could come back again regarding Nick Dubin's book on Bullying, 3 posts back on this thread.

Although the book addresses bullying in school, it seems equally applicable to workplace bullying. Having experienced both school and workplace bullying, looking back the circumstances are very similar. It's all about my asperger traits, including sensitivity to noise and sudden movements, anxiety and clumsiness. 

It must seems as if I'm a marketing agent for Jessica Kingsley Publishers but then again most books come from them, and I can strongly recomment Nick Dubin's book to both parents of children being bullied at school and adults being buullied at work.

Chapter 3 is about empowering victims.  Special interests, propensity for meltdowns in stressful situations, tendancy to seek help from authority figures more than peers,tendancy due to non-verbal communication difficulties to unintentionally draw attention of bullies or give them cause, etc etc.

One issue he covers which seems important whether school or work. Because people with AS are less successful forming friendships, including oppositre sex friendships they get labelled "gay". However for the same reasons AS people may not be aware they are being so labelled. It is one major issue with school age children that I wonder if parents are picking up. A lot of kids bullied at school are bullied because odd translates as "gay".

This may also be one of the issues when people are bullied at work.

I was taught self-defence while at school - daft strategy to reduce bullying. Being clumsy and poorly coordinated it just made me more of a target- good entertainment.

I guess a lot of AS situations are more solvable than people think. They may be overwhelming, but there is enough literature and help out there.

Been in this situation load of times for a while I was quite confident in my post and actually got to the stage I could ask a particular member of staff if I had done something wrong, most of the time I hadn't, I had just let my paranoia run wild. Currently having problems at work with management team bullying me, have noticed my paranoia levels have gone through the roof. I suspect everybody of talking about me, even the few good friends I have who know about the AS.

It has occurred to me to ask, re the other thread on bullying at work, you said you had been to an occupational health meeting arising out of your previous disclosure.

The reaction you've just had..... remarks about a bad atmosphere, and them appearing to distance you.... might just be because they've been hauled in for a telling off over the Occupational Health meeting.

One of the consolations you may have with this is that every now and then they will try to make a complaint, and when it is investigated and found to be made up of hearsay, niggles and other nonsense, they'll get a telling off. Management being management, they may give you a token telling off so justice seems to have been fairly distributed, but as long as you've kept everything subdued and professional on your side of things that's nothing to what they'll be getting.

So the cold reaction may be the aftermath of them being told off. And management may be coming round to realising they aren't nice, and might just be wise enough to split them up and reassign some of them jobs elsewhere.

I also recall reading somewhere that this workplace dealt with disabled issues. There needs to be particular attention to bullying issues for any disability organisation to fund credibly. Imagine the damage to such an organisation if it got out that they didn't practice what they preached.

Also I mentioned Nick Dubin's book on another thread recently - Bullying - Strategies and Solutions, Jessica Kingsley Publishers 2007. I've found this very useful for getting insights about myself in these situations.

He has a section headed "Terror magnified for the person with Asperger's" p62-63, in which he makes some really good points. People with AS have "difficulty tolerating transition or surprises" - bullies tend to play on this. As people with AS are very sensitive they are more vulnerable so the effect of bullying is "cumulatively more draining, exhausting, and frightening". Thirdly we are "black-and-white thinkers" and "may think the worst even if another person is being playful".

I hope I've not contravened copyright or anything by including these quotes,. But I think Dubin puts it well.

I think I said on another posting, this is familiar ground. I've been in the same predicament a few times myself.

Perhaps what you are up against is a clique. The clique depends on everyone thinking and acting the same way. It appears amorphous but usually isn't. It is an adult version of playground bullies. There will be one dominant person, several acolytes, and some who "go with the flow" for their own safety.

They have perceived you as different - won't conform to the little in-crowd games they play. Also if there's something wrong with you - like suspected AS - you're not "normal" and that don't want to want to work with someone not normal. So in fact its discrimination. But it will be made to look like you don't fit in.

I know this is hard, but it is of paramount importance you don't react. Don't get angry. Don't seek solice with anyone in or near this clique. Find a supporter outside work if you want to talk things through regularly. They are hoping you will gibe them a stronger excuse than they've got for getting you sacked.

If you can keep calm about this, and I can anticipate how you are feeling, you can survive this, but it will be tough. If they are trying to lock you out it is because they've no real case against you and are hoping you will provide a better excuse. That's why you have to stay calm.

Keep a record of everything said and done to you. But keep it discretely. Don't leave anything lying around they can use against you and don't let them see you writing things down.

Be meticulous in your work and try not to give them an excuse. They may try to set you up for a fall. They may try to make out you are not doing your job properly. But at the moment the reason they are trying to make you feel uncomfortable and scared, is because they've nothing they can use against you.

Contact Citizen's Advice or otherwise get a solicitor. If you can get another job get it. OK that way they get what they want - yiou leaving. But you have to accept that this is going to be a long hard fight if you try to "stick through it".

In the end, after living with a number of such encounters I realised you have to see them through. The consolation is, in the worst case of a clique I had to work with, one is dead, one is insane, one has got himself into trouble in a succession of jobs, and the fourth is now on his second marriage breakdown. That is, the clique was formed of nasty people with a lot worse problems than As,. And they weren't all equal. They harmed each other more than me.

And NAS moderators - please help in situations like this. This is precisely why it is hard for people on the spectrum to hold down jobs. Stop talking about the statistics. Start pursuing action.