My son will not wash/wear deodorant

Our son has consistently refused all help, treatment or assessments and won't discuss things.  When the letter about the assessment appointments came through he simply asserted that he doesn't have autism and got angry about them sending it.  So, in the interests of keeping a trusting relationship, we supported him in not taking it any further whilst silently wondering what on earth we were going to do.  He seems very fixed in his belief that his own interpretations are correct and unassailable and it seems that, whilst living under the same roof, we inhabit different worlds.  I feel quite broken about it and don't know how to build bridges when he's so withdrawn.  This means I'm generally torn when it comes to practicalities like having a wash - I don't want the only communication I have with him during the day to be me asking him to do things but if I don't poke my head round the door to keep nudging him over a period of days it just doesn't happen.  I try to make sure most of my nudges are about positive things like meals I know he'll enjoy, takeaways or offers of somewhere to go together (always refused) then every 4 -5 times ask about having a wash or a bath.  Either way, there's a good chance of a monsyllabic answer or even none at all.  I don't know where our relationship has gone and we are the people closest to him.  :(          

It sounds like you have to be thankful at least he gets into the shower :-)

Well, he definitely has a sense of smell because he reacts quite badly when the cat litter is dirty, although he refuses to clear it himself.  He also complains when we've used air freshener and has complained about the strong smell of some bathroom products.  AS a result I tend to opt for perfume-free products.  But when it comes to his own smell, he really doesn't seem aware.  He didn't seem to notice when other family members smelt  either.  It is as if somehow body odour is OK.  

Last week the consultant, who is discharging him from her team back to the care of the GP, said that she doubted whether I'd get any answers on this one.  I live in hope though.  It seems the problem is both a sensory thing plus a lack of motivation.  But there also seems to be a blind spot too, the sort of blind spot that isn't affected by drawing something to his attention.  I find it hard to handle so, for the sake of peace, have stopped trying for now.      

Does he have a sense of smell

Cruel idea but do you know anyone older than he is who smells. Very cruel idea really. may be if he was in their proximity for a while. May be he recognise the need to find a way to wash for himself then.... I admit though it could be cruel for that other person he may just need a real life promt for himself why he ought to wash with soap often.

I wish i knew how to approach this.  My son just really never seems aware of how much he smells and even when he has a bath (very rare and I usually have to prompt him) he doesn't use any soap or any other product.  Without products, the steamy bath just seems to make the smell worse, if anything. 

I don't know whether it only relates to teenage years as my son is now 21.  My dad was like this all his life too, which I found very hard to cope with.  He genuinely didn't seem to see the grime and got offended if anyone mentioned it, as if he'd been singled out unfairly.  My son won't shave or clean his teeth either, plus confines himself to one small room which, of course, smells terrible.  

At my wits end over this.  :)

Hi Deb75,

To add an anecdote; when I was younger, I had a friend who, at the time (I believe probably from birth until approximately 17) would not bathe or wash. This went to the extent of pretending to bathe entirely (i.e. running a bath or shower without using it)!

In his case, there was never a clear (or even an unclear) explanation as to why he would not, beyond that he didn’t like to.

However, one thing that he did enjoy (and was no doubt encouraged to do by his mother) was swimming in the local swimming baths. This, at least in the immediate/short term stopped the smell, while also being good exercise. Is there a 'fun' swimming baths (i.e. with a tide pool/slides) near you?

If you can encourage him to visit these somewhat regularly with friend(s), this may help in the long term (i.e. it will force him to use a shower, using bathing products, after visiting the baths to prevent a chlorine rash or itchy scalp). This would help him get used to the feeling of a shower and also, with any luck, set up a routine.

The deodorant problem, on the other hand, is a separate issue. Is something like after-shave acceptable to him?

It may well be a sensory thing.  The shower is always avoided as he says it feels claustrophobic.  He'll sometimes have a bath eventually, if I give him a nudge on several consecutive days, but then won't use any products at all, even ones with no frangrance.  One problem is that he seems very preoccupied with his pananoid thoughts about negativity and he seems to feel that, in the light of this, day-to-day chores are a very secondary issue.  But he smells bad and this attracts negative attention, which to my mind can only reinforce the ideas about negativity.  In the end, we failed to ever persuade our dad to change.  I am forced to wonder whether this is just something that we have to accept, however difficult that might be.    

Could it be a sensory thing, perhaps he doesn't like the feel of deoderant?  Rolls ons can be sticky, maybe a spray would be better.  As far as washing, maybe he'd be more comfortable using wipes or washclothes versus an actual shower.  That would be better than nothing.    

Have had a think about various ideas but they mainly involve different products or methods.  Whilst these do give a much better range of options, in my son's case (as in my dad's) it seems to be the motivation that is missing.  My son genuinely doesn't seem to realise that he smells bad and can just go on indefinitely, apparently oblivious to the filth that (without my "fussing") can build up around him.  Whilst he is also aware, on an intellectual level, of the probability of pain and tooth decay from neglecting his teeth, this never translates into behaviours to prevent this happening.  It is as if he knows but is somehow unable to muster up the energy to act on this knowledge.  

So I remain stumped.  And upset, really.  This is all too reminiscent of how my dad was and it deeply affected us as a family (to the extent of feeling too ashamed to invite friends home).    has anyone found a way though?

I can't give you the benifit of experience (any lack of washing in my family is more to do with absent mindedness than refusal!), but I can think of a few possible alternatives...

Unscented soap (if they dislike smells)

Aqueous cream (used by some people who are allergic to soap)

Liquid/hard soap (if texture is a problem)

Bubble bath or soap added to bath water.

Clay (rubbed in then washed off this will remove oils.  I've heard of it being used on hair instead of shampoo: should work elsewhere.  Clay based cat litter (the grey stuff) could be a source!)

Hot water and skin scraping, followed by cold water so they are not sweating when they get out (the Roman method of washing!)

Wet wipes (though personally I can't stand the smell)

Alcohol gel (not sure how well this would work for general washing!)

Rub with olive oil, followed by bath in salt water (well, it leaves your skin lovely if you do it at the seaside!)

I think I've heard some cultures do dust bathing, not sure how that works!  Maybe a rub over with talcum before a bath would absorb some grime?

Hope that's some help.

Hello Debbie,

I'm afraid I can only sympathise as I can really relate to what you've said but, so far, have found no easy answers.  I've been battling with this one all my life, it seems.  My dad never understood about the need for washing or using products like shampoo or deodorant, in spite of our frequent protestations and appropriate Xmas gifts (as teenage girls it became a particular issue for us).  Now, since around the age of 15/16, our son has adopted the same behaviours and is always smelly and mucky.  He doesn't even cut his toenails, preferring to leave them to crack and drop off!  I am very worried that this makes people view him negatively and avoid him, feeding into his paranoid thoughts about feeling "negative energy" radiating from others.  Leaving different products in the bathroom (chocolate or mint scented, or organic according to his expressed tastes) and talking to him or persuading him just hasn't worked.  He doesn't take hints, either, and telling him he smells just puts him in a depressed mood without any result in terms of improved hygiene. 

Sorry to add to your thread without any answers on this but just chiming in to say that, if there are any factsheets or advice on this problem anywhere, I'd also be very grateful for any information.  It's quite a problem and I'm tearing my hair out too because of it!

Has anyone had any success in this area?  I'm so glad you brought it up, Debbie.  You're quite right about the professionals not giving any specific advice on this one and it's a glaring ommission.