Help - Please

I don't see any rules or guidelines being broken here. The site is for sufferers and their family members to discuss issues or topics that are bothering them. The site is for adults only and henry isn't delving into lurid or prurient matters.

David, is there something on your mind that you want to ask? Henry has asked a question and got some sensible answers - would you like to post a question of your own?

I do not trust you and have informed the NAS admin regarding your first post mentioning sex. You seem to be  on the wrong website. Good luck!

It sounds as if you are struggling a little today David.

I am here to chat if I can help you in any way I can.

No, I feel you are in the wrong place here, you mention sex, but that has nothing to do with your Autistic son. You are not on the spectrum either, nor is your wife.so what are you doing here? I feel you should be removed from this site. Good luck with your counselling.

A couple of additional thoughts.

How disabled is the teenager? If the problem is severe enough then there are benefits available that can pay for additional assistance with care responsibilities. This might ease the burden on your wife.

You say that the lack of libido dates back to when the children were born. Could this be a case of post natal depression that has never been dealt with?

I understand the point DavidGolf was making - this isn't necessarily to do with autism but there is an autistic person involved and this type of problem does occur in families with disabled children so I would say it's perfectly reasonable to ask for help here.

davidgolf47 said:

THis has nothing to do with the Autism Spectrum, but rather marriage issues.You need marriage counselling. Maybe it's you that is not helping the marriage work? Can't  you get free time organised for your wife? She needs a break. Good luck.

I am sorry David, but I think you are completely missing the point here...

THis has nothing to do with the Autism Spectrum, but rather marriage issues.You need marriage counselling. Maybe it's you that is not helping the marriage work? Can't  you get free time organised for your wife? She needs a break. Good luck.

Hi Henry,

I can only speak from my own experience, but can I make a suggestion?

As highlighted above it is very common for those who are depressed to have a low labido. Some anti-depressants even make that worse.

In my expereience sex can deffinately wax a wain during a relationship and the additional pressures of bringing up a teenager on the spectrum can be so overwhelming, that it leaves you beyond exhausted.

I have two on the spectrum and am a late diagnosed adult. A few years back I was at breaking point with one of my sons who also has challenging behaviour.

Getting to the point of managability can be a difficult process. Much depends on the type of issues your teenager faces and what pressures affect him, which in turn affect the dynamics of the family.

I say this, because once my son left education it was as though you had flipped a switch. The pressure cooker he'd lived with for so long and which was building with every year, was gone and things became suddenly more managable. He now works, but only part time to keep that managable status Quo maintained. He still has episodes and although still significant, I feel better able to manage them now because the volume is turned down.

This had the knock on affect of allowing me to feel a little better in myself. I had serious stress to the point of suicidal thoughts at one stage, but with his change, something then changed in the rest of the family.

I'm not a psychologist, but I'm aware that when I found out I had ASD, i blamed myself for my sons condition. (I know this is not the case for you) However, once I got past beating myself with the guilt stick, i also realised that apart from the exhaustion, not wanting to be intimate with my partner was a form of control, which was entirely absent from every other aspect my life.

My life was that of a carer to 2 very unique and wonderful children, but my life was devoted to giving to others and the huge sacrifices I made willingly in every element of my life, had made me feel resentful on some unconcious level.

I started a Mindfulness course, took St Johns Wort for the depressive episodes and Menopace for the hormones and began to get to know myself again. I also made the effort to spend quality time with my partner again.

Walks, time with my partner without the kids, time doing things for me and individual time to get to revisit who I was beyond, Carer, Wife, Mother, Teacher, Business owner, social worker, worrior, worrier and Miricle worker!

Perhaps you could look at some changes that may help both your son and your wife and look at injecting some quailty time back into life, rather than just focusing on the absence of the sex in your relationship. Do this slowly and with no strings or expectations and see how it goes.

As parents of those with ASD, it's so easy to become consumed with the care element of supporting others, at the expence of eveything else. Time to self-explore is lost when everyone wants a piece of us. We are all sexual beings who want to be loved and to love, but on the long and difficult road of supporting others, this can slip down the priority ladder without us even realizing it.

Things don't often just change. Sometimes we need to initiate change and work hard at it. Even the prospect of a new interest or career beyond care, can empower people. Without my part-time business, which gives me contact with a world beyond care, I know I'd not be here now. Look at and discuss some possible dreams and aspirations with her and see how she feels.

This isn't a problem of her making, she is a victim of circumstnce. Rather than making it her problem by suggesting she needs help, look for how you can help support her in realising her hopes and dreams. We all need a purpose for being which is more meaningful than the label we've become. (Wife Mother etc.)

Hope my ramblings are of help

Coogybear.

Yes - my wife is at home a great deal on her own, and has had to give up a lot in terms of career and aspirations to be a carer.

Not in a long term relationship myself, but from what I've heard it's normal for sex to become less frequent, and not that unusual for couples to end up not having sex. Especially if there are other pressures. Depending on individual morality there are ways to cope with unequal desires, but it sounds like many of the options would be unavailable to you. You may be left with accepting things as they are and trying to support your wife, so hopefully she will be less stressed.

May I recomend a book to you?  It's called 'The Year of Living Biblically' by AJ Jacobs. I'm not sure it would help you with your problems, but at best you might find a few points in it of value to you.  At worst it's an entertaining read (and respectful to religious views).

Yes, her behaviour is normal.  If she is depressed, hormonal + anxious then sex is going to be the last thing on her mind.  Rather than just hoping for the "spark" to return at some point, I think you need to take a step back from the situation + try to work out how you can help to improve things.  If you could tell us more about your son/family situation then we could perhaps be more helpful.  It would be easy to make presumptions.  For example, I'm wondering if you work long hours + if you wife is at home all day??

If you're asking whether someone who is hormonal (do you mean menopausal?) and depressed and is struggling to cope with an autistic daughter is being reasonable then it's the question that doesn't make sense.

Is there anything you can do to help her with her struggles? Depression is hard to understand until it's happened to you and she won't be able to explain it to you. I would urge you to call sane www.sane.org.uk/.../helpline to see what you can do to help and understand her depression.

We have both undergone testing, and neither of us are on the spectrum. I just want to know is this reasonable behaviour, all things considered, or do we have a real problem here. I get the feeling she would happilly never make love again (or at best very rarely) and expect me to live with that

That is a difficult question - I hope I don't cause any offence in replying but that is a risk.

If life is exhausting and a trial then sex may not appeal much to one party. If she is depressed then it will also not appeal. Is there any way that you can help with lifting her out of her depression? You might call Mind (the mental health charity) to see if they have advice on how to help someone with depression. Perhaps you can consult your GP or a counsellor yourself even if she won't go herself.

Autism is often inherited so it is possible that one or both of you have autistic traits. Have you considered that possibility? If this is the case then you may struggle to understand her or she may struggle to understand you. In either case it might lead to difficulties with sex. There is a free test at aspergerstest.net/.../

Undiagnosed ASD can lead to depression (lots of other things can lead to depression too!) and this might be a cause of your wife's problem. it is equally possible that the sheer difficulties of bringing up an autistic daughter might cause depression too.