Help - Please

Hi Henry,

I can only speak from my own experience, but can I make a suggestion?

As highlighted above it is very common for those who are depressed to have a low labido. Some anti-depressants even make that worse.

In my expereience sex can deffinately wax a wain during a relationship and the additional pressures of bringing up a teenager on the spectrum can be so overwhelming, that it leaves you beyond exhausted.

I have two on the spectrum and am a late diagnosed adult. A few years back I was at breaking point with one of my sons who also has challenging behaviour.

Getting to the point of managability can be a difficult process. Much depends on the type of issues your teenager faces and what pressures affect him, which in turn affect the dynamics of the family.

I say this, because once my son left education it was as though you had flipped a switch. The pressure cooker he'd lived with for so long and which was building with every year, was gone and things became suddenly more managable. He now works, but only part time to keep that managable status Quo maintained. He still has episodes and although still significant, I feel better able to manage them now because the volume is turned down.

This had the knock on affect of allowing me to feel a little better in myself. I had serious stress to the point of suicidal thoughts at one stage, but with his change, something then changed in the rest of the family.

I'm not a psychologist, but I'm aware that when I found out I had ASD, i blamed myself for my sons condition. (I know this is not the case for you) However, once I got past beating myself with the guilt stick, i also realised that apart from the exhaustion, not wanting to be intimate with my partner was a form of control, which was entirely absent from every other aspect my life.

My life was that of a carer to 2 very unique and wonderful children, but my life was devoted to giving to others and the huge sacrifices I made willingly in every element of my life, had made me feel resentful on some unconcious level.

I started a Mindfulness course, took St Johns Wort for the depressive episodes and Menopace for the hormones and began to get to know myself again. I also made the effort to spend quality time with my partner again.

Walks, time with my partner without the kids, time doing things for me and individual time to get to revisit who I was beyond, Carer, Wife, Mother, Teacher, Business owner, social worker, worrior, worrier and Miricle worker!

Perhaps you could look at some changes that may help both your son and your wife and look at injecting some quailty time back into life, rather than just focusing on the absence of the sex in your relationship. Do this slowly and with no strings or expectations and see how it goes.

As parents of those with ASD, it's so easy to become consumed with the care element of supporting others, at the expence of eveything else. Time to self-explore is lost when everyone wants a piece of us. We are all sexual beings who want to be loved and to love, but on the long and difficult road of supporting others, this can slip down the priority ladder without us even realizing it.

Things don't often just change. Sometimes we need to initiate change and work hard at it. Even the prospect of a new interest or career beyond care, can empower people. Without my part-time business, which gives me contact with a world beyond care, I know I'd not be here now. Look at and discuss some possible dreams and aspirations with her and see how she feels.

This isn't a problem of her making, she is a victim of circumstnce. Rather than making it her problem by suggesting she needs help, look for how you can help support her in realising her hopes and dreams. We all need a purpose for being which is more meaningful than the label we've become. (Wife Mother etc.)

Hope my ramblings are of help

Coogybear.

Hi Henry,

I can only speak from my own experience, but can I make a suggestion?

As highlighted above it is very common for those who are depressed to have a low labido. Some anti-depressants even make that worse.

In my expereience sex can deffinately wax a wain during a relationship and the additional pressures of bringing up a teenager on the spectrum can be so overwhelming, that it leaves you beyond exhausted.

I have two on the spectrum and am a late diagnosed adult. A few years back I was at breaking point with one of my sons who also has challenging behaviour.

Getting to the point of managability can be a difficult process. Much depends on the type of issues your teenager faces and what pressures affect him, which in turn affect the dynamics of the family.

I say this, because once my son left education it was as though you had flipped a switch. The pressure cooker he'd lived with for so long and which was building with every year, was gone and things became suddenly more managable. He now works, but only part time to keep that managable status Quo maintained. He still has episodes and although still significant, I feel better able to manage them now because the volume is turned down.

This had the knock on affect of allowing me to feel a little better in myself. I had serious stress to the point of suicidal thoughts at one stage, but with his change, something then changed in the rest of the family.

I'm not a psychologist, but I'm aware that when I found out I had ASD, i blamed myself for my sons condition. (I know this is not the case for you) However, once I got past beating myself with the guilt stick, i also realised that apart from the exhaustion, not wanting to be intimate with my partner was a form of control, which was entirely absent from every other aspect my life.

My life was that of a carer to 2 very unique and wonderful children, but my life was devoted to giving to others and the huge sacrifices I made willingly in every element of my life, had made me feel resentful on some unconcious level.

I started a Mindfulness course, took St Johns Wort for the depressive episodes and Menopace for the hormones and began to get to know myself again. I also made the effort to spend quality time with my partner again.

Walks, time with my partner without the kids, time doing things for me and individual time to get to revisit who I was beyond, Carer, Wife, Mother, Teacher, Business owner, social worker, worrior, worrier and Miricle worker!

Perhaps you could look at some changes that may help both your son and your wife and look at injecting some quailty time back into life, rather than just focusing on the absence of the sex in your relationship. Do this slowly and with no strings or expectations and see how it goes.

As parents of those with ASD, it's so easy to become consumed with the care element of supporting others, at the expence of eveything else. Time to self-explore is lost when everyone wants a piece of us. We are all sexual beings who want to be loved and to love, but on the long and difficult road of supporting others, this can slip down the priority ladder without us even realizing it.

Things don't often just change. Sometimes we need to initiate change and work hard at it. Even the prospect of a new interest or career beyond care, can empower people. Without my part-time business, which gives me contact with a world beyond care, I know I'd not be here now. Look at and discuss some possible dreams and aspirations with her and see how she feels.

This isn't a problem of her making, she is a victim of circumstnce. Rather than making it her problem by suggesting she needs help, look for how you can help support her in realising her hopes and dreams. We all need a purpose for being which is more meaningful than the label we've become. (Wife Mother etc.)

Hope my ramblings are of help

Coogybear.