A difficult situation

yes we are a bit poor at the moment, because i recently moved home all our benefits are all over the place, but we get them (well one of them) paid on monday which has been backdated to the 5th of june

I understand that she would rather spend money on tthe kids, but ( i dont mean but, so as to take it away from the kids by the way), it would also help us... my explanation comes from the days when we DID have money sapre... she doesn't do all that *romantic* buying stuff... she doesn't even do valentines day, or birthdays (unless its an important birthday like the decade markers, i.e 30-40-50 etc)

The only time i go to the cinema is when i have enough money to do so, and i do that on my own, because the wife even though she says to do things together... when it comes down to it, she wont... so can you now understand my confusion?

Anyway, this is one factor into our *cold* relastionship, so i shall work on this and tell you how it goes... thank you for everyone's help and sorry for any misunderstandings due to my ASD

Barney, I'm going to say "well done" for two things

1) agreeing that there are things that you can do that can help your family whilst at the same time giving you a bit of peace and quiet. This really can be a win-win situation :-)

2) trying to imagine how your purchase of headphones will appear to your wife. I think you might be right in thinking that she won't be 100% impressed!

From what I have heard so far it sounds as though you are very stretched for money and that your wife is very naturally worried about it. She would perhaps rather spend any spare money on extras for the kids?

The mp3 player isn't essential - perhaps you can wait until your birthday or perhaps you can borrow one or see if someone has one spare that they are not using? I gave the example of the mp3 player as just an example of something that I do. You could use the time whilst cutting the grass as thinking time. This is a completely free way of doing something whilst you are doing a chore.

sorry, i explained that entirely  the wrong way... what im trying to get across is the fact that, even if i buy her flowers/chocolates or try to treat her in anyway, she flipps her lid and says *what was the point? its a waste of money* 

So of course my natural fear is that she will extend that to things that could help my condition, so does she really love me when she says stuff like that?

(even though those items can help the both of us)

Now that one i CAN do, but can't afford head phones or mp3 until tuesday, but then the wife would say there are more important things for the money to be spent on... sounds like im screweed

But i WILL try with this

Hi Barney,

OK, let's look at the time table thing.

One of the problems we have with ASD is not coping very well with ambiguity and guidelines and the greyness of the real world. I think your timetable needs to be viewed as a guide rather than an absolute black and white thing. You absolutely don't have the right to play WoW according to this timetable if there are more important things to do.

On the other hand, you absolutely do need to have quiet time away from the demands of screaming kids, etc etc. If you don't get enough quiet time then you will get stressed and the whole thing falls apart.

Can you try and combine some of the chores with quiet time? When I cut the grass I can listen to my mp3 player, nobody comes to interrupt me and I can zone out and focus on the grass and the mower and nothing else. I regard this as slightly therapeutic and at the end of it I can be a bit pleased with myself for completing something.

im not saying its not my fault, or that epople should take my side instead of hers, im just saying that this was given to us by a PROFESSIONAL... how could he have been wrong???

wll of course it does make sense entirely... however, when me and my wife agreed last year (before my break down) and a few professionals, on coping startegies and mechanisms EXAMPLE

it was said, that as long as the kids were fed, changed and the house was tidy etc, then i could have my timetabled time...

That was fair enough right? ok, this is where it failed... I kept to the rules as much as i could (the kids were fed, changed and cared for, the house was tidy etc... so i imgained that i had an ABSOLUTE RIGHT to my time tabled time.... but now people are saying i DONT have that right???)

This is where i am getting most confused... if it was put in place by a professional, then we should stick to it right???

Barney,

I'm really glad to see that you are taking the initiative and seeking help.

I'm sorry if my questions might come across as rude or condescending or irritating! One of our (e.g. you, me) ASD problems is that we have real problems with really anticipating how our questions come across to other people. I've upset loads of people in the past and sometimes didn't have a clue what happened. I'm trying to polish my skills in that area but still get it wrong on a slightly regular basis. This is the "Social Imagination" part of the ASD. Have you read about this much/at all?

Hotel California's posts come from the perspective of someone (I believe NT) who has an Asperger's partner and sons. She will have a really++ good perspective of how the world appears to your NT partner. Even NT's in her position will struggle not to offend an ASD as we are very easily offended as we frequently misunderstand and take greater offence than was meant. This is our problem, not theirs, and we have to try really hard to think twice and speak once sometimes.

It seems to me with the benefit of hindsight, as an aspie who has tried to help to bring up our kids, (my kids are now grown up and I did my helping bit a while ago now) that bringing up kids is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in your whole life.

To be successful at this you have to make a massive effort to get your priorites in order.

Priority #1 The kids

Priority #2 The kids

I think you already get the picture and I'm probably annoying you now?

Priority #3 is your own survival and sanity. WIthout this you won't be able to help your kids or your partner. Look after yourself.

Priority #4 your partner's survival and sanity. Look after her as she would like to be looked after.

Priority #5 keeping a roof over your heads

etc etc

some way doen the list is trying to be happy,

some further way down the list is your love life

even further down the list is computer games.

Does this make sense?

Of course i will be able to engage with them, i have been in the professional system for years (they did actually try to help when i was younger) but since becoming an adult they have ignored me until now...

Also, i was the one who appraoched them myself all those times.

This is what i (we) want

Hi Barney,

it looks to me like you, your family and your relationships are in real need of help and TLC. That's why you're here asking for help after all. :-)

i'm glad to see that you and your partner recognise the need for help and that you are getting assistance from adult services etc. Do you feel able to really engage with them positively and accept any assistance they can give you?

To quote "However your comment that you don't even get a thank you when you help her sounds rather childish." i did mention that i understand that it IS a thankless task (meaning i dont expect to get a thank you anyway...)

To quote "Saying that you have 45 mins of free time when she asks for help .. what's that about." you said yourself, would having a time-table help? well if that time is on a time-table IN BLACK AND WHITE, then  what is wrong with it... and if its only to change a nappy or to get the kids a drink or snack, of course i do it... im not *Glued to my seat!*... its just that when she asks me to do something BIG... like mow the garden... wash up... go to the shops... When its my time (as on the time-table) then of course i will refuse because , as it says in black and white, it is MY TIME... (i have tried agreeing with her various times, that if she asks me to do the BIG stuff, and it eats into my time table, then would she extend that time (give it back) later on... she refuses because it eats into the important time and responsabilities (of course i UNDERSTAND THIS but i don't like it, so thats why i wont give up MY TIME in those situations...

But i do, as i have said; say to her that i WILL bath the kids and put them to bed and go shopping and every thing else ON MY OWN so she can have HER TIME, she always (as i have explained) said no, because she does not think i can COPE with it... the thing is, she has never let me off the leash (even before my break down)

so i don, t know where our misunderstanding came from (my discussion with you i mean) and i appologise if i missed a point or something

*EDIT*

As far as counsiling and that stuff goes, she used to refuse there was ever a problem and bottle it up, now since we have been assessed as a couple but adult services social care team, she has actually admitted that SHE needs help too, and of course i am very proud of her finally admitting that there is a problem with me and her (sorry, i did not mean it to sound like THAT i have no other way of explaining)

that you everyone for all your advice, some is applicable and some isnt, i will try to work on the stuf i can work on (and the stuff she allowes me to do) the other stuff i will TRY to discuss with her about

*EDIT 2*

She is always constantly on the go (almost ADHD like) she never sits down (even when she is ABLE to do so)... its almost as if she HAS to be buisy 24/7 (yes she has been like this since i met her)

I am glad to hear that you are helping around the house.  However your comment that you don't even get a thank you when you help her sounds rather childish.  She shouldn't have to thank you and you shouldn't expect one.  Helping each other should be unconditional.

Saying that you have 45 mins of free time when she asks for help .. what's that about.  Bet she doesn't say to the children come back in 45 mins when I've finished my cuppa and I'll change your nappy!  

I would not be surprised if she is worried that you may have a relapse.  Did she  have any counselling as she may have experienced some trauma as well.  Treading on egg shells around you is understandable as I am sure she is worried about you.

Take things slowly and be supportive of her needs even when they encroach on yours.  Getting irritable with your wife won't help.

to be honest i expectected this, and it is a fair point, because leading up to my break down last year, i would just *let her get on with it* because i myself could not handle ANY stressors...

Since i have been back home, i have been a lot better, i have spent time with the children, done their food sometimes (well, helped the wife prepair it as she still doesn't trust me not to make a mess lol), i have washed up, cleaned, hoovered maybe as little as 20% but mostly as much as just over 40% of the time.

The other % is when i say to her *look babe, sit down, you have been on your feet all day, i will make you a cuppa, sort the kids out and put them to bed*, some of the time she will actually say *no, thats ok darling... Not saying that you CAN't do it of course, i just don't want you getting stressed out... let's do it together* (that annoys me some such because its almost saying *oh you broke down last year... oh you have a problem* etc, you know what i mean???) anyway... MOST of the time, she will just say... *nah its ok... I'll do it, it has to be done* (again that seems to imply *well you can't do it anyway*)

So yes, i have got better... but i don't even get a thank you (i know and understand parenting is a thankless task of course) and also the implementation that because of my break down and ASD i should be a cabbage (at least thats the way it sounds and feel when she says it)

*EDIT*

i have even suggested a few times, that her mother or my parents have the children for a night so we can go to a restaraunt/cinema/relax etc, but she just shruggs it off... BUT, when SHE want's to do anything she jumps at the chance... Is this just me misunderstanding things, or is this her being unfair...

Sometimes, even though i know (FEEL) that she still loves its like, well does she really... when we used to be sooooo damn close before my break, its like she's now a different person... she says shes not scared of me or anything (when i broke down i went into a blind *black-out* rage.. But i can promise you the children or her never got hurt, and i never will hurt her... maybe that is still a factor though?)

*EDIT 2*

I have tried asking for a step by step routine (time table)... we did one last year. but she refuses because it didnt work

(what she means is... for example, the timetable read *get up, get dressed, get kids up and fed by 0900...

Play world of warcraft until 1030...

wash up, or do general jobs until 1130...

make us and kids lunch) etc

well, when i DID keep to the timetable she flipped out, purely because when it was MY hour or 2, she would say, can you do this, or that and i would say *no, sorry... its my time now, i have 45 mins left, i will do it then* and thats when she went into a huff and said a timetable don't work

Hi Barney

I read your original post and thought I would give a female perspective on it if I may.

I understand that you have two very young children and you say that you like to play computer games.  Do you tend to do your own thing while your wife is caring for the children or do you do your fair share of child care'? Does she have to ask you for help or does she just get on with it, knowing it's quicker and less hassle to do it herself.

Sometimes we women say "it's fine don't worry, you just sit there and I'll put the kids to bed" when really we would love to sit down,  but she may find that she doesn't get that time to herself because she doesn't feel confident in your abilities so it's easier if she does things herself.

It might help if this is the  case that you say to her that you want to help but don't know how and ask her for a step by step guide, say for bedtime or taking the  kids to the park for an hour.

I suspect that she is exhausted having to look after two small children and you asking for sex is making her feel like a failure.  Her priority will be to conserve her energy to care for the children.  She can only enjoy or initiate sex of she feels she has enough energy reserves to meet her childcare needs.

My advice is to help her as much as you can.  Hovering, playing with kids, shopping, etc.  This should not be done because you want sex and if she suspects this is the reason, it's game over and she may feel that all you want her for is sex.

Showing that you genuinely care about HER needs will I am sure give you both a better relationship.

If you don't know what her needs are, just observe all the jobs she does around the house for a few days and see if you can take on some of those for her.

Let us know how you get on.

Wow, thank you for the insight and understanding, i ahve tried to be romantic with her bying flowers etc... but she always says *why the hell did you spend that money for* etc

As far as the report goes, it WAS important and she was the one who told me to write it out at that point and we could have a cuddle after

The report is due to our childdren being on a child protection plane... nothing serious, i just had amental break last year (self harming etc) and was asked to leave the house for a year... I have now moved back home this june

So also we havent had that *closeness* for about a year (which i can understand MUST be one of the reasons, also the stress of children services being another etc)

But i don't like it when some one (as in my wifes case) says *ok darling, its been a while, lets be close with each other tonight, have fun and relax* when in the next breath she is snoring her head of and teelling me to leave her alone (she wasnt snoring btw) and how was i to know she was asleep when she had rolled the other way?

Sorry for venting

*Edit*

the other problem with her is she get turned on *too much* so she says, so we don't really do much at all apart from *missionary*

Also she claims that she only had ONE relastionship before me, and i don't want to tell you what he apparently did to her!

She is 34, i am 33

Hi Barney,

There's a number of things going on here that need to be untangled and tackled as separate questions. I mainly agree with Longman but would be a bit more optimistic about working out a solution rather than just waiting and hoping.

It sounds to me as though you are getting into a stressy or angry or obsessed state about the whole thing. This is understandable, I've been through some of the things that you're talking about and come out the other side. You get to the point where you're so frustrated that you want to explode.

Secondly, we get older and the youthful excitement of sex loses its initial excitement and, if we are to continue then I think we need to replace that youthful excitement with a more careful and considerate approach to the whole thing. Do you buy your wife flowers? Do you look after your appearance and compliment her on hers? Do you know what pleases her in bed? Do you know what really satisfies her and will bring her back to a more regular enjoyment of sex? Somehow we managed to negotiate that one and come out the other side. Perhaps you could polish your skills by reading The Joy of Sex or something simialr. We found that watching the first series of Masters of Sex was somewhat "educational". The second series has just started and I'm not sure whether this will help - it seems rather dark and negative from the first episode.

Another aspect of your problem is that your urges are all natural and nothing to worry about. We are programmed to do what we do - there is a bit of this that impels us (male and felmale) to enjoy sex and there is another bit that impels our female partners to have babies. Understanding that we have different drivers and that men and women are different (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) is important when we struggle to understand how to improve our flagging relations with a partner.

You, like me, suffer from ASD and one aspect of this is that we tend to think of ourselves before anyone else. You might try to really try to satisfy your partner's needs in bed as a top priority. If I can't do that then I feel that I have failed. Having said that, it's ok to fail! Try not to get hung up on a failure and try to remember the times when it works well.

Another aspect of ASD is that we have poor communication skills. Have you tried to tackle this in regard to how you talk to your wife?

I have to say that your description of the "important report" sounded a bit unfortunate. I don't doubt that it was very important but there is a time and place for everything and I can only imagine how your partner felt, and how unromantic it was to have you just finishing off your report rather than attending to her and getting in a romantic mood. There is a time and place for everything and that was not the time or place for that task.

I hope that I haven't sounded harsh as I really don't mean to. I am aware that my communication skills are a bit spiky in places and I'm trying to round off the sharp edges as I become aware of them.

I hope these thoughts can help you redirect your energies into solving the problems rather than boiling yourself into state.

Thanbk you for the reply, of course i understand that i am very lucky, of course we still love each other (i think SHE does).

And i know a lot of ASD sufferes wont be going through this (no offence meant to my fellow sufferes), some people are better/worse than others.

You say its almost normal about reaching a *stagnation point* so to speak, even though the 2 partners would still love each other... However, take it from my side of thing...

As i have said, before our son was born she was very loving and very willing (i understand that once a female has a child she becomes a *MOTHER*) but, to go weeks/months without even a CUDDLE...?

And i should feel ok about this? (don't worry i know it looks like im stressing here, im honestly noot, just explaining the only way i know how)

Its just so confusing, thats all

Obviously there are going to be difficulties reading non-verbal and responding to it correctly, particularly as you are the initiator, whereas previously your partners initiated.

But also my impression is that this issue is otherwise fairly commonplace - it is down to two people, whose behaviours are likely to change over time, being able to maintain the same interactivity throughout the whole course of a marriage - AND - in such a way that they are both on cue at the same time.

Also these things go in cycles and there are bound to be times when one or other of you are out of phase. Anxiety wont help (easier daid than done) but just accept it as a phase.

It is astonishing too how many marriages end of with partners sleeping in separate beds or separate rooms. It doesn't mean that the relationship is dead, merely that it may have reached a point where sleeping apart allows either partner the option not to play.

I have to add the comment you are probably very lucky. Most people on the spectrum have trouble sustaining any kind of relationship, and one of the problems you may have with this question is few people being able to quite identify with your situation, - not because you are getting less either....