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A difficult situation

Barney Lee

sorry, i don't know if this is the right place on the forum but i will just come right out with it:

(i don't expect this one to be posted because of the general content, but i will try to be as *unoffensive* as i can, in the hopes this will be posted because this is very difficult for me)

 
I am the one with ASD: My wife is *normal*
 
Before we had children, we were very loving and very sexual with each other, after our first child it *kind of* stopped (let me explain)
 
I have always seen sex, *making love* F***ing (call it what you will) as the deepest act of love and companionship there is.
 
Me and my wife have now hit a rut (as we most often do) in this department. we have not done anything at bed time now for at least 6 weeks (4 weeks were due to her *women troubles*) the other two has been *im too tired... im not in the mood* etc (i also think we havent done anything for a previous few weeks prior to her women stuff), i am now feeling deeply horny (sorry), and aggrivated because im not getting the companionship i *need*.
 
Tonight she has said to me (promised) that we could have a bath, go to bed, and be *close*... The bath went well... we went to bed, i stayed up for 10 minutes writing a very important report due to *professional* involvment which i do not want to discuss here (although it involves the children and is also stressing her out), i then put the pen down, turned out the lights, rolled towards to her to *instigate* it, and she completlyy brushed me off *im too tired* etc.
 
What i am trying to ask, is how do i approche the matter as a *normal person* should, without upsetting her, or myself?
 
The thing is, as i have said, i need the physical love making, sex play; because it makes me feel loved and also chills me out.
I have and never will force it upon her (although i have been close a few times and this has always upset me). I can garuntee i will now be awake for the rest of the night (because that is how my body works)...
 
The reason i am so sexual is because my previous *successful* relastionships always have been (instigated from THEIR side) and so it it what i have always been used too... we have had this conversation with each other quite a few times in the past, and she says she completly understands (even though it is apparent she does not)
 
I also feel like shes using me as just a *baby machine* because, after our son was born, we didnt *do it* for quite some time... and then she says to me *let's have another one, i don't want him being an only child like i was*... i leaped at the chance, because it gave me that companionship that i needed, and once again, since our daughters brith 18 months agao, it has been very *dead*
 
Sorry for circulating, im just very confused and stressed out, we have been together now for 5 years (married for 3) and i just don't know what i should do about the situation, has anyone else with ASD experienced this, or knows what i am going through?
 
Again i hope this will be posted, and if it is needed, would the moderators please ammend this mail as they require, as i really would like an answer to this... Sorry for being unappropriate if i have been
 
Parents

  • to be honest i expectected this, and it is a fair point, because leading up to my break down last year, i would just *let her get on with it* because i myself could not handle ANY stressors...

    Since i have been back home, i have been a lot better, i have spent time with the children, done their food sometimes (well, helped the wife prepair it as she still doesn't trust me not to make a mess lol), i have washed up, cleaned, hoovered maybe as little as 20% but mostly as much as just over 40% of the time.

    The other % is when i say to her *look babe, sit down, you have been on your feet all day, i will make you a cuppa, sort the kids out and put them to bed*, some of the time she will actually say *no, thats ok darling... Not saying that you CAN't do it of course, i just don't want you getting stressed out... let's do it together* (that annoys me some such because its almost saying *oh you broke down last year... oh you have a problem* etc, you know what i mean???) anyway... MOST of the time, she will just say... *nah its ok... I'll do it, it has to be done* (again that seems to imply *well you can't do it anyway*)

    So yes, i have got better... but i don't even get a thank you (i know and understand parenting is a thankless task of course) and also the implementation that because of my break down and ASD i should be a cabbage (at least thats the way it sounds and feel when she says it)

    *EDIT*

    i have even suggested a few times, that her mother or my parents have the children for a night so we can go to a restaraunt/cinema/relax etc, but she just shruggs it off... BUT, when SHE want's to do anything she jumps at the chance... Is this just me misunderstanding things, or is this her being unfair...

    Sometimes, even though i know (FEEL) that she still loves its like, well does she really... when we used to be sooooo damn close before my break, its like she's now a different person... she says shes not scared of me or anything (when i broke down i went into a blind *black-out* rage.. But i can promise you the children or her never got hurt, and i never will hurt her... maybe that is still a factor though?)

    *EDIT 2*

    I have tried asking for a step by step routine (time table)... we did one last year. but she refuses because it didnt work

    (what she means is... for example, the timetable read *get up, get dressed, get kids up and fed by 0900...

    Play world of warcraft until 1030...

    wash up, or do general jobs until 1130...

    make us and kids lunch) etc

    well, when i DID keep to the timetable she flipped out, purely because when it was MY hour or 2, she would say, can you do this, or that and i would say *no, sorry... its my time now, i have 45 mins left, i will do it then* and thats when she went into a huff and said a timetable don't work

Reply

  • to be honest i expectected this, and it is a fair point, because leading up to my break down last year, i would just *let her get on with it* because i myself could not handle ANY stressors...

    Since i have been back home, i have been a lot better, i have spent time with the children, done their food sometimes (well, helped the wife prepair it as she still doesn't trust me not to make a mess lol), i have washed up, cleaned, hoovered maybe as little as 20% but mostly as much as just over 40% of the time.

    The other % is when i say to her *look babe, sit down, you have been on your feet all day, i will make you a cuppa, sort the kids out and put them to bed*, some of the time she will actually say *no, thats ok darling... Not saying that you CAN't do it of course, i just don't want you getting stressed out... let's do it together* (that annoys me some such because its almost saying *oh you broke down last year... oh you have a problem* etc, you know what i mean???) anyway... MOST of the time, she will just say... *nah its ok... I'll do it, it has to be done* (again that seems to imply *well you can't do it anyway*)

    So yes, i have got better... but i don't even get a thank you (i know and understand parenting is a thankless task of course) and also the implementation that because of my break down and ASD i should be a cabbage (at least thats the way it sounds and feel when she says it)

    *EDIT*

    i have even suggested a few times, that her mother or my parents have the children for a night so we can go to a restaraunt/cinema/relax etc, but she just shruggs it off... BUT, when SHE want's to do anything she jumps at the chance... Is this just me misunderstanding things, or is this her being unfair...

    Sometimes, even though i know (FEEL) that she still loves its like, well does she really... when we used to be sooooo damn close before my break, its like she's now a different person... she says shes not scared of me or anything (when i broke down i went into a blind *black-out* rage.. But i can promise you the children or her never got hurt, and i never will hurt her... maybe that is still a factor though?)

    *EDIT 2*

    I have tried asking for a step by step routine (time table)... we did one last year. but she refuses because it didnt work

    (what she means is... for example, the timetable read *get up, get dressed, get kids up and fed by 0900...

    Play world of warcraft until 1030...

    wash up, or do general jobs until 1130...

    make us and kids lunch) etc

    well, when i DID keep to the timetable she flipped out, purely because when it was MY hour or 2, she would say, can you do this, or that and i would say *no, sorry... its my time now, i have 45 mins left, i will do it then* and thats when she went into a huff and said a timetable don't work

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