A difficult situation

sorry, i don't know if this is the right place on the forum but i will just come right out with it:

(i don't expect this one to be posted because of the general content, but i will try to be as *unoffensive* as i can, in the hopes this will be posted because this is very difficult for me)

I am the one with ASD: My wife is *normal*

Before we had children, we were very loving and very sexual with each other, after our first child it *kind of* stopped (let me explain)

I have always seen sex, *making love* F***ing (call it what you will) as the deepest act of love and companionship there is.

Me and my wife have now hit a rut (as we most often do) in this department. we have not done anything at bed time now for at least 6 weeks (4 weeks were due to her *women troubles*) the other two has been *im too tired... im not in the mood* etc (i also think we havent done anything for a previous few weeks prior to her women stuff), i am now feeling deeply horny (sorry), and aggrivated because im not getting the companionship i *need*.

Tonight she has said to me (promised) that we could have a bath, go to bed, and be *close*... The bath went well... we went to bed, i stayed up for 10 minutes writing a very important report due to *professional* involvment which i do not want to discuss here (although it involves the children and is also stressing her out), i then put the pen down, turned out the lights, rolled towards to her to *instigate* it, and she completlyy brushed me off *im too tired* etc.

What i am trying to ask, is how do i approche the matter as a *normal person* should, without upsetting her, or myself?

The thing is, as i have said, i need the physical love making, sex play; because it makes me feel loved and also chills me out.

I have and never will force it upon her (although i have been close a few times and this has always upset me). I can garuntee i will now be awake for the rest of the night (because that is how my body works)...

The reason i am so sexual is because my previous *successful* relastionships always have been (instigated from THEIR side) and so it it what i have always been used too... we have had this conversation with each other quite a few times in the past, and she says she completly understands (even though it is apparent she does not)

I also feel like shes using me as just a *baby machine* because, after our son was born, we didnt *do it* for quite some time... and then she says to me *let's have another one, i don't want him being an only child like i was*... i leaped at the chance, because it gave me that companionship that i needed, and once again, since our daughters brith 18 months agao, it has been very *dead*

Sorry for circulating, im just very confused and stressed out, we have been together now for 5 years (married for 3) and i just don't know what i should do about the situation, has anyone else with ASD experienced this, or knows what i am going through?

Again i hope this will be posted, and if it is needed, would the moderators please ammend this mail as they require, as i really would like an answer to this... Sorry for being unappropriate if i have been

Parents

Former Member over 11 years ago

Hi Barney,
There's a number of things going on here that need to be untangled and tackled as separate questions. I mainly agree with Longman but would be a bit more optimistic about working out a solution rather than just waiting and hoping.
It sounds to me as though you are getting into a stressy or angry or obsessed state about the whole thing. This is understandable, I've been through some of the things that you're talking about and come out the other side. You get to the point where you're so frustrated that you want to explode.
Secondly, we get older and the youthful excitement of sex loses its initial excitement and, if we are to continue then I think we need to replace that youthful excitement with a more careful and considerate approach to the whole thing. Do you buy your wife flowers? Do you look after your appearance and compliment her on hers? Do you know what pleases her in bed? Do you know what really satisfies her and will bring her back to a more regular enjoyment of sex? Somehow we managed to negotiate that one and come out the other side. Perhaps you could polish your skills by reading The Joy of Sex or something simialr. We found that watching the first series of Masters of Sex was somewhat "educational". The second series has just started and I'm not sure whether this will help - it seems rather dark and negative from the first episode.
Another aspect of your problem is that your urges are all natural and nothing to worry about. We are programmed to do what we do - there is a bit of this that impels us (male and felmale) to enjoy sex and there is another bit that impels our female partners to have babies. Understanding that we have different drivers and that men and women are different (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) is important when we struggle to understand how to improve our flagging relations with a partner.
You, like me, suffer from ASD and one aspect of this is that we tend to think of ourselves before anyone else. You might try to really try to satisfy your partner's needs in bed as a top priority. If I can't do that then I feel that I have failed. Having said that, it's ok to fail! Try not to get hung up on a failure and try to remember the times when it works well.
Another aspect of ASD is that we have poor communication skills. Have you tried to tackle this in regard to how you talk to your wife?
I have to say that your description of the "important report" sounded a bit unfortunate. I don't doubt that it was very important but there is a time and place for everything and I can only imagine how your partner felt, and how unromantic it was to have you just finishing off your report rather than attending to her and getting in a romantic mood. There is a time and place for everything and that was not the time or place for that task.
I hope that I haven't sounded harsh as I really don't mean to. I am aware that my communication skills are a bit spiky in places and I'm trying to round off the sharp edges as I become aware of them.
I hope these thoughts can help you redirect your energies into solving the problems rather than boiling yourself into state.
Cancel
Vote Up 0 Vote Down

Sign in to reply

Cancel

Reply

Former Member over 11 years ago

Hi Barney,
There's a number of things going on here that need to be untangled and tackled as separate questions. I mainly agree with Longman but would be a bit more optimistic about working out a solution rather than just waiting and hoping.
It sounds to me as though you are getting into a stressy or angry or obsessed state about the whole thing. This is understandable, I've been through some of the things that you're talking about and come out the other side. You get to the point where you're so frustrated that you want to explode.
Secondly, we get older and the youthful excitement of sex loses its initial excitement and, if we are to continue then I think we need to replace that youthful excitement with a more careful and considerate approach to the whole thing. Do you buy your wife flowers? Do you look after your appearance and compliment her on hers? Do you know what pleases her in bed? Do you know what really satisfies her and will bring her back to a more regular enjoyment of sex? Somehow we managed to negotiate that one and come out the other side. Perhaps you could polish your skills by reading The Joy of Sex or something simialr. We found that watching the first series of Masters of Sex was somewhat "educational". The second series has just started and I'm not sure whether this will help - it seems rather dark and negative from the first episode.
Another aspect of your problem is that your urges are all natural and nothing to worry about. We are programmed to do what we do - there is a bit of this that impels us (male and felmale) to enjoy sex and there is another bit that impels our female partners to have babies. Understanding that we have different drivers and that men and women are different (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) is important when we struggle to understand how to improve our flagging relations with a partner.
You, like me, suffer from ASD and one aspect of this is that we tend to think of ourselves before anyone else. You might try to really try to satisfy your partner's needs in bed as a top priority. If I can't do that then I feel that I have failed. Having said that, it's ok to fail! Try not to get hung up on a failure and try to remember the times when it works well.
Another aspect of ASD is that we have poor communication skills. Have you tried to tackle this in regard to how you talk to your wife?
I have to say that your description of the "important report" sounded a bit unfortunate. I don't doubt that it was very important but there is a time and place for everything and I can only imagine how your partner felt, and how unromantic it was to have you just finishing off your report rather than attending to her and getting in a romantic mood. There is a time and place for everything and that was not the time or place for that task.
I hope that I haven't sounded harsh as I really don't mean to. I am aware that my communication skills are a bit spiky in places and I'm trying to round off the sharp edges as I become aware of them.
I hope these thoughts can help you redirect your energies into solving the problems rather than boiling yourself into state.
Cancel
Vote Up 0 Vote Down

Sign in to reply

Cancel

Children

No Data