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A difficult situation

Barney Lee

sorry, i don't know if this is the right place on the forum but i will just come right out with it:

(i don't expect this one to be posted because of the general content, but i will try to be as *unoffensive* as i can, in the hopes this will be posted because this is very difficult for me)

 
I am the one with ASD: My wife is *normal*
 
Before we had children, we were very loving and very sexual with each other, after our first child it *kind of* stopped (let me explain)
 
I have always seen sex, *making love* F***ing (call it what you will) as the deepest act of love and companionship there is.
 
Me and my wife have now hit a rut (as we most often do) in this department. we have not done anything at bed time now for at least 6 weeks (4 weeks were due to her *women troubles*) the other two has been *im too tired... im not in the mood* etc (i also think we havent done anything for a previous few weeks prior to her women stuff), i am now feeling deeply horny (sorry), and aggrivated because im not getting the companionship i *need*.
 
Tonight she has said to me (promised) that we could have a bath, go to bed, and be *close*... The bath went well... we went to bed, i stayed up for 10 minutes writing a very important report due to *professional* involvment which i do not want to discuss here (although it involves the children and is also stressing her out), i then put the pen down, turned out the lights, rolled towards to her to *instigate* it, and she completlyy brushed me off *im too tired* etc.
 
What i am trying to ask, is how do i approche the matter as a *normal person* should, without upsetting her, or myself?
 
The thing is, as i have said, i need the physical love making, sex play; because it makes me feel loved and also chills me out.
I have and never will force it upon her (although i have been close a few times and this has always upset me). I can garuntee i will now be awake for the rest of the night (because that is how my body works)...
 
The reason i am so sexual is because my previous *successful* relastionships always have been (instigated from THEIR side) and so it it what i have always been used too... we have had this conversation with each other quite a few times in the past, and she says she completly understands (even though it is apparent she does not)
 
I also feel like shes using me as just a *baby machine* because, after our son was born, we didnt *do it* for quite some time... and then she says to me *let's have another one, i don't want him being an only child like i was*... i leaped at the chance, because it gave me that companionship that i needed, and once again, since our daughters brith 18 months agao, it has been very *dead*
 
Sorry for circulating, im just very confused and stressed out, we have been together now for 5 years (married for 3) and i just don't know what i should do about the situation, has anyone else with ASD experienced this, or knows what i am going through?
 
Again i hope this will be posted, and if it is needed, would the moderators please ammend this mail as they require, as i really would like an answer to this... Sorry for being unappropriate if i have been
 
Parents

  • Hi Barney

    I read your original post and thought I would give a female perspective on it if I may.

    I understand that you have two very young children and you say that you like to play computer games.  Do you tend to do your own thing while your wife is caring for the children or do you do your fair share of child care'? Does she have to ask you for help or does she just get on with it, knowing it's quicker and less hassle to do it herself.

    Sometimes we women say "it's fine don't worry, you just sit there and I'll put the kids to bed" when really we would love to sit down,  but she may find that she doesn't get that time to herself because she doesn't feel confident in your abilities so it's easier if she does things herself.

    It might help if this is the  case that you say to her that you want to help but don't know how and ask her for a step by step guide, say for bedtime or taking the  kids to the park for an hour.

    I suspect that she is exhausted having to look after two small children and you asking for sex is making her feel like a failure.  Her priority will be to conserve her energy to care for the children.  She can only enjoy or initiate sex of she feels she has enough energy reserves to meet her childcare needs.

    My advice is to help her as much as you can.  Hovering, playing with kids, shopping, etc.  This should not be done because you want sex and if she suspects this is the reason, it's game over and she may feel that all you want her for is sex.

    Showing that you genuinely care about HER needs will I am sure give you both a better relationship.

    If you don't know what her needs are, just observe all the jobs she does around the house for a few days and see if you can take on some of those for her.

    Let us know how you get on.

Reply

  • Hi Barney

    I read your original post and thought I would give a female perspective on it if I may.

    I understand that you have two very young children and you say that you like to play computer games.  Do you tend to do your own thing while your wife is caring for the children or do you do your fair share of child care'? Does she have to ask you for help or does she just get on with it, knowing it's quicker and less hassle to do it herself.

    Sometimes we women say "it's fine don't worry, you just sit there and I'll put the kids to bed" when really we would love to sit down,  but she may find that she doesn't get that time to herself because she doesn't feel confident in your abilities so it's easier if she does things herself.

    It might help if this is the  case that you say to her that you want to help but don't know how and ask her for a step by step guide, say for bedtime or taking the  kids to the park for an hour.

    I suspect that she is exhausted having to look after two small children and you asking for sex is making her feel like a failure.  Her priority will be to conserve her energy to care for the children.  She can only enjoy or initiate sex of she feels she has enough energy reserves to meet her childcare needs.

    My advice is to help her as much as you can.  Hovering, playing with kids, shopping, etc.  This should not be done because you want sex and if she suspects this is the reason, it's game over and she may feel that all you want her for is sex.

    Showing that you genuinely care about HER needs will I am sure give you both a better relationship.

    If you don't know what her needs are, just observe all the jobs she does around the house for a few days and see if you can take on some of those for her.

    Let us know how you get on.

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