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A difficult situation

Barney Lee

sorry, i don't know if this is the right place on the forum but i will just come right out with it:

(i don't expect this one to be posted because of the general content, but i will try to be as *unoffensive* as i can, in the hopes this will be posted because this is very difficult for me)

 
I am the one with ASD: My wife is *normal*
 
Before we had children, we were very loving and very sexual with each other, after our first child it *kind of* stopped (let me explain)
 
I have always seen sex, *making love* F***ing (call it what you will) as the deepest act of love and companionship there is.
 
Me and my wife have now hit a rut (as we most often do) in this department. we have not done anything at bed time now for at least 6 weeks (4 weeks were due to her *women troubles*) the other two has been *im too tired... im not in the mood* etc (i also think we havent done anything for a previous few weeks prior to her women stuff), i am now feeling deeply horny (sorry), and aggrivated because im not getting the companionship i *need*.
 
Tonight she has said to me (promised) that we could have a bath, go to bed, and be *close*... The bath went well... we went to bed, i stayed up for 10 minutes writing a very important report due to *professional* involvment which i do not want to discuss here (although it involves the children and is also stressing her out), i then put the pen down, turned out the lights, rolled towards to her to *instigate* it, and she completlyy brushed me off *im too tired* etc.
 
What i am trying to ask, is how do i approche the matter as a *normal person* should, without upsetting her, or myself?
 
The thing is, as i have said, i need the physical love making, sex play; because it makes me feel loved and also chills me out.
I have and never will force it upon her (although i have been close a few times and this has always upset me). I can garuntee i will now be awake for the rest of the night (because that is how my body works)...
 
The reason i am so sexual is because my previous *successful* relastionships always have been (instigated from THEIR side) and so it it what i have always been used too... we have had this conversation with each other quite a few times in the past, and she says she completly understands (even though it is apparent she does not)
 
I also feel like shes using me as just a *baby machine* because, after our son was born, we didnt *do it* for quite some time... and then she says to me *let's have another one, i don't want him being an only child like i was*... i leaped at the chance, because it gave me that companionship that i needed, and once again, since our daughters brith 18 months agao, it has been very *dead*
 
Sorry for circulating, im just very confused and stressed out, we have been together now for 5 years (married for 3) and i just don't know what i should do about the situation, has anyone else with ASD experienced this, or knows what i am going through?
 
Again i hope this will be posted, and if it is needed, would the moderators please ammend this mail as they require, as i really would like an answer to this... Sorry for being unappropriate if i have been
 
Parents

  • Obviously there are going to be difficulties reading non-verbal and responding to it correctly, particularly as you are the initiator, whereas previously your partners initiated.

    But also my impression is that this issue is otherwise fairly commonplace - it is down to two people, whose behaviours are likely to change over time, being able to maintain the same interactivity throughout the whole course of a marriage - AND - in such a way that they are both on cue at the same time.

    Also these things go in cycles and there are bound to be times when one or other of you are out of phase. Anxiety wont help (easier daid than done) but just accept it as a phase.

    It is astonishing too how many marriages end of with partners sleeping in separate beds or separate rooms. It doesn't mean that the relationship is dead, merely that it may have reached a point where sleeping apart allows either partner the option not to play.

    I have to add the comment you are probably very lucky. Most people on the spectrum have trouble sustaining any kind of relationship, and one of the problems you may have with this question is few people being able to quite identify with your situation, - not because you are getting less either....

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  • Obviously there are going to be difficulties reading non-verbal and responding to it correctly, particularly as you are the initiator, whereas previously your partners initiated.

    But also my impression is that this issue is otherwise fairly commonplace - it is down to two people, whose behaviours are likely to change over time, being able to maintain the same interactivity throughout the whole course of a marriage - AND - in such a way that they are both on cue at the same time.

    Also these things go in cycles and there are bound to be times when one or other of you are out of phase. Anxiety wont help (easier daid than done) but just accept it as a phase.

    It is astonishing too how many marriages end of with partners sleeping in separate beds or separate rooms. It doesn't mean that the relationship is dead, merely that it may have reached a point where sleeping apart allows either partner the option not to play.

    I have to add the comment you are probably very lucky. Most people on the spectrum have trouble sustaining any kind of relationship, and one of the problems you may have with this question is few people being able to quite identify with your situation, - not because you are getting less either....

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