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A difficult situation

Barney Lee

sorry, i don't know if this is the right place on the forum but i will just come right out with it:

(i don't expect this one to be posted because of the general content, but i will try to be as *unoffensive* as i can, in the hopes this will be posted because this is very difficult for me)

 
I am the one with ASD: My wife is *normal*
 
Before we had children, we were very loving and very sexual with each other, after our first child it *kind of* stopped (let me explain)
 
I have always seen sex, *making love* F***ing (call it what you will) as the deepest act of love and companionship there is.
 
Me and my wife have now hit a rut (as we most often do) in this department. we have not done anything at bed time now for at least 6 weeks (4 weeks were due to her *women troubles*) the other two has been *im too tired... im not in the mood* etc (i also think we havent done anything for a previous few weeks prior to her women stuff), i am now feeling deeply horny (sorry), and aggrivated because im not getting the companionship i *need*.
 
Tonight she has said to me (promised) that we could have a bath, go to bed, and be *close*... The bath went well... we went to bed, i stayed up for 10 minutes writing a very important report due to *professional* involvment which i do not want to discuss here (although it involves the children and is also stressing her out), i then put the pen down, turned out the lights, rolled towards to her to *instigate* it, and she completlyy brushed me off *im too tired* etc.
 
What i am trying to ask, is how do i approche the matter as a *normal person* should, without upsetting her, or myself?
 
The thing is, as i have said, i need the physical love making, sex play; because it makes me feel loved and also chills me out.
I have and never will force it upon her (although i have been close a few times and this has always upset me). I can garuntee i will now be awake for the rest of the night (because that is how my body works)...
 
The reason i am so sexual is because my previous *successful* relastionships always have been (instigated from THEIR side) and so it it what i have always been used too... we have had this conversation with each other quite a few times in the past, and she says she completly understands (even though it is apparent she does not)
 
I also feel like shes using me as just a *baby machine* because, after our son was born, we didnt *do it* for quite some time... and then she says to me *let's have another one, i don't want him being an only child like i was*... i leaped at the chance, because it gave me that companionship that i needed, and once again, since our daughters brith 18 months agao, it has been very *dead*
 
Sorry for circulating, im just very confused and stressed out, we have been together now for 5 years (married for 3) and i just don't know what i should do about the situation, has anyone else with ASD experienced this, or knows what i am going through?
 
Again i hope this will be posted, and if it is needed, would the moderators please ammend this mail as they require, as i really would like an answer to this... Sorry for being unappropriate if i have been
 
Parents
  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Barney,

    I'm really glad to see that you are taking the initiative and seeking help.

    I'm sorry if my questions might come across as rude or condescending or irritating! One of our (e.g. you, me) ASD problems is that we have real problems with really anticipating how our questions come across to other people. I've upset loads of people in the past and sometimes didn't have a clue what happened. I'm trying to polish my skills in that area but still get it wrong on a slightly regular basis. This is the "Social Imagination" part of the ASD. Have you read about this much/at all?

    Hotel California's posts come from the perspective of someone (I believe NT) who has an Asperger's partner and sons. She will have a really++ good perspective of how the world appears to your NT partner. Even NT's in her position will struggle not to offend an ASD as we are very easily offended as we frequently misunderstand and take greater offence than was meant. This is our problem, not theirs, and we have to try really hard to think twice and speak once sometimes.

    It seems to me with the benefit of hindsight, as an aspie who has tried to help to bring up our kids, (my kids are now grown up and I did my helping bit a while ago now) that bringing up kids is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in your whole life.

    To be successful at this you have to make a massive effort to get your priorites in order.

    Priority #1 The kids

    Priority #2 The kids

    I think you already get the picture and I'm probably annoying you now?

    Priority #3 is your own survival and sanity. WIthout this you won't be able to help your kids or your partner. Look after yourself.

    Priority #4 your partner's survival and sanity. Look after her as she would like to be looked after.

    Priority #5 keeping a roof over your heads

    etc etc

    some way doen the list is trying to be happy,

    some further way down the list is your love life

    even further down the list is computer games.

    Does this make sense?

Reply
  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Barney,

    I'm really glad to see that you are taking the initiative and seeking help.

    I'm sorry if my questions might come across as rude or condescending or irritating! One of our (e.g. you, me) ASD problems is that we have real problems with really anticipating how our questions come across to other people. I've upset loads of people in the past and sometimes didn't have a clue what happened. I'm trying to polish my skills in that area but still get it wrong on a slightly regular basis. This is the "Social Imagination" part of the ASD. Have you read about this much/at all?

    Hotel California's posts come from the perspective of someone (I believe NT) who has an Asperger's partner and sons. She will have a really++ good perspective of how the world appears to your NT partner. Even NT's in her position will struggle not to offend an ASD as we are very easily offended as we frequently misunderstand and take greater offence than was meant. This is our problem, not theirs, and we have to try really hard to think twice and speak once sometimes.

    It seems to me with the benefit of hindsight, as an aspie who has tried to help to bring up our kids, (my kids are now grown up and I did my helping bit a while ago now) that bringing up kids is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in your whole life.

    To be successful at this you have to make a massive effort to get your priorites in order.

    Priority #1 The kids

    Priority #2 The kids

    I think you already get the picture and I'm probably annoying you now?

    Priority #3 is your own survival and sanity. WIthout this you won't be able to help your kids or your partner. Look after yourself.

    Priority #4 your partner's survival and sanity. Look after her as she would like to be looked after.

    Priority #5 keeping a roof over your heads

    etc etc

    some way doen the list is trying to be happy,

    some further way down the list is your love life

    even further down the list is computer games.

    Does this make sense?

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