Using a dating app - this mans story

Where does this leave things?

My dilemma is, do I keep talking to the two I really like and wait until I have met both and had another date or two or should I stick with the one I have already met.

I have an issue with two-timing but as this is still an evaluation (or date I say comparison) stage, what is the ethical thing to do. It is possible to have 2 girlfriends but I don't like this idea - maybe I am old fashioned. 

Since I have been dating I have also stopped chatting to the other matches I have and these are building up now (20+ even after excluding the ones I don't like much) and it starts to feel a bit pressured.

What do you think I should do?

My experiences

Afte a few days I was chatting to 11 women, some only a message here and there and some a long exchange of chats. I found having a document with standard responses to some things sped things up, especially as I had to translate everything into Portuguese and proof read before sending it.

Some of these did not respond much so were largely ignored. Some we didn't really find a communication style that worked, where it felt forced or just didn't feel right so these were largely ignored too.

Some went to the asking for money as I mentioned above and were "unmatched" to get rid of them from the list.

One has become a friend as we share a lot in common but she has little time for actual dating (works full time and goes to uni in the evenings).

From the others:

First dates

Lady #1 - The profile picture were nice and personality when chatting pleasant but in the flesh the lady was significantly larger than her pictures (taken a few years ago she said) - 20kg makes a lot of difference in looks and fitness

I'm not superficial so I overlooked this and we had a good chat, and when it came to a bit of kissing then another issue arose - bad breath (OK this is easily resolved) and she had been smoking (I did ask for non smoking and she said she didn't) - already two details that were either disguised or lied about. She was also evasive about her education having claimed to be uni educated but I don't think she was.

In the end I didn't feel there was enough of a connection so I did send here a break up message after the date which led to a lot of "you don't love me" responses - looks like I dodged a bullet there. I found this step hard as I am a people pleaser by nature and breaking up is hurtful, but it is necessary to learn how to do this in a respectful way.

Lady #2 - The profile pictures were great but there she was 13 years younger than me which would be a social taboo in England but in Brazil it is surprisingly common. She is in her 40s and I'm in my 50s so we are both grown ass adults so I don't see it as an issue.

In the flesh she was amazing, very petite (5'2" to my 5'7" so we fitted well together. We arranged to meet in a shopping centre and I managed to go to the wrong one - similar names but several miles apart. Thanks to Instagram messages we spotted the mistake quickly and I could grab a cab and be there only 20 mins late - way to start the date stressed...

I instantly remembered another unusual characteristic of Brazilian women - when we met face to face for the first time I was greeted with a big french kiss and lots of hugs. I'm glad I did all the freshness routine before leaving the house...

We had a coffee, chatted lots and decided to head out to a big, central shopping street that is closed off on the weekend for padestrians so took the underground. I found myself being snogged on all the escalators which, while very pleasant, was rather distracting.

There was lots of handholding, hugging and constant contact. I recalled that Brazilian women get quite possessive of their men and often are afraid of them "wandering" so keep them on a short leash so to speak. If you have issues with touch or this sort of contact then I would advise speaking to them in the chat before the date to agree any ground rules you need.

The end of the date was a little awkward as neither of us wanted to stop but it was getting late so I offered to see her back to the train - I think neither of us wanted to stop but a first date heading back to someones place was likely to turn naughty so I took the lead and tried to be a gentleman. I need to work more on setting boundaries in advance I think.

This remains an option but now I have a different problem.

Lady #3 - There is another lady I have been chatting with who was actually my first match and we have really hit it off - sending selfies, voice messages and talking about everything. I really like her but there is a bit test still in whether we have chemistry in person.

She is on holiday with family until early January so there will be a wait still to meet her.

Things to look out for.

For men looking for women, if the womans profile picture shows a lot of flesh then there is a high chance this is an escort, especially where their face is not visible.

When making early stage chat if you get a message that they have had a terrible day, been robbed, got family in urgent need of medical care etc and they need money - it is a scam. Unmatch them.

When you find someone who berates you for making any mistakes in the conversation, forgetting a detail they told you previously etc - this is a red flag of an abusive or damaged personality. I recommend avoiding unless humiliation is your kink.

In the early stages dating more than one person is acceptable but as soon as you want to ask that person to be your partner then you need to have a discussion about exclusivity. Until now they probably have been speaking to dozens of potential partners on the app so both of you need to agree if you will be mutually exclusive otherwise they may get a better offer and leave you.

OK, I have a match - what am I gonna do now!

Once someone replies then it can be difficult, but there is no real time update required, you can take your time to think through a rely. Remember not to make it all about you - ask about them in a non intrusive way (maybe ask why someone as beautiful as them is on a dating app to boost their ego) - the first conversations are normally just a social dance and you will be able to search online on how to do these.

Some people have been on the app looking for a partner for a while and have encountered lots of the dregs of society in the process so you may get someone who is quite direct in asking if you are looking for a long term partner, what your relationship history is (keep this very generalised) and may seem quite abrupt. Consider their situation and be understanding if you can - I found some people who had some aweful experiences with dates on the app so their trauma is understandable.

This has been the most challenging aspect for me but after speaking with a dozen or so matches I got more familiar with it, found what mistakes to avoid and was able to have a long chat with a few matches that I liked.

Now came a stress a close second to the chatting - the actual meeting. Not just meeting one but having multiple first dates with different people to try to see if there is chemistry enough to consider investing more time into the process with that person.

To get to this stage requires a leap of trust (more on the bad experiences later) - you can give them your contact details - typically WhatsApp or Instagram are good as these offer anything from photo/video exchange to actually speaking to the person - very important if you want to meet them.

Once you get to this stage then it is just like any other date - a whole different can of worms but at least you are making the human contact now. If you want advice on this then research it online - there are loads of different approaches that you can use and it is worth finding one that works for you.

Remember to take time to get ready for the date - make sure you shower, use deodourant, brush teeth / floss / use mouthwash and a little cologne or similar - don't overdo it but remember there is only one chance to make a first impression. I would typically ask to be casual on the first date to put us both at ease and go in nice jeans and casual shirt or nice polo shirt.

using the app

At the start you will just be browsing through the pictures of people and swiping right if you like them and left if they don't feel right. As a rule of thumb I would expect you to send out 10 to 100 likes to each one that likes you back - maybe a higher ratio depending on where you are.

Anxiety about whether you are desirable enough will be high for a while but expect to need to tune your distance and age group values in your profile to start getting matches. Be patient and try not to get too invested into expecting success quickly.

I was lucky a I am in a city of 23 million people and my foreigner status makes me desirable so I got hits quickly, but if you live out in the sticks then your potential dating pool will be way smaller and hence you will need to widen the range and lower your expectations as the odds are against you to a degree.

So you are browsing through one profile after the next, swiping right it they seem interesting, live close by, are attractive to you etc - or swiping left if they have a red flag (eg a smoker) or are unappealing in the looks department. This will add your profile to the que of "likes" for the people you swipe right on for the premium users and if they swipe right on your profile then you make a "match" and this will pop up in the relevant section of the app. Likewise when people swipe right on you but you haven't seen their profile yet then they will appear in your "likes" section if you paid for the premium version of the app.

When you have a match I believe the protocol is that the man makes the first move - at least here. You can send an inital message to them to try to get a converation going if you like or wait for them to message you (a rarity in my experience as a man).

Now I have a problem - what the heck do I say to them. My social anxiety was kicking in here so I ended up searching for suggestions for initial conversations and the general things I found which got responses were:

1 - compliment the person. Say they have a beautiful smile, eyes, they give off an amazing energy or something like that. If it is true then I seen no issue in using the physical attibutes as an opening gambit. I do advise to keep away from commenting about their bodies or anything sexual as that is socially unacceptable.

2 - keep it light. something like "I just wanted to say hello - I saw your pictures and was amazed how bright your eyes are - they sparkle! I see we match on (add criteria here) and I hoped you would want to chat."

3 - be patient. Don't send follow up messages unless you get a response as this can seem a bit stalkerish.

4 - don't spend too much time planning the rest of the conversations - I sometimes do this and it rarely works in the way you expect so fire that shot and step back and go back to the search.

How to set up

The sign up is straightforward with some detail about you to register - I started with the free option to start to familiarise myself with it.

You can do this either through installing the app on your smartphone or going to the website on whatever device you use for going online.

You need to choose from some generic categories about your interests - this was a little challenging to reduce  yourself to these but they are used to try to pair you with potential partners via the apps algorythms so choose what is closest to the things which mean most to you. It is not perfect so don't stress.

You choose how far from home you want the search range to consider and the age group you want to look within. I would say start with as wide a range as you are comfortable with as you familiarise yourself with it.

Now the more important bit - how to "sell" the image of yourself as a partner.

A quick note here - the reason to "sell" yourself is that it brings in more potential matches for you and gives you more people to consider for the next step - actually speaking with them. Be honest but only to sell your positive features would be my recommendation - I chose not to disclose my autism as there is a huge amount of bias against mental health in this country (Brazil).

It turns out you ideally need a load of pictures of yourself for your profile - ones that show you in a range of poses, situations etc and maybe a head shot. I don't have many of these. I was always the one taking pictures of others so I had to get creative - a selfie or two, a picture of me in the mirror dressed up a, I got a personal trainer at the gym to take one of me there and I dug through my archives for a cute one of me as a kid for a laugh.

Get someone to help you with this and while we are often uncomfortable in front of the camera, get the person to be funny with you and make you laugh as a smile makes so much difference in a picture - looking serious is not likely to help you sell youself.

As if that wasn't traumatic enough there is a summary of yourself to write, or a Bio as it is commonly reffered to to make it read in a way that will appeal to others.

I would recommend getting someone who has a little experience in this department to help you here as it is going to be the first impression you make and can be the difference of a "like" or a "pass".

It was hard to summarise what I am and what I want so I kept it fairly short and serious as I am not looking for hookups but a relationship. It went something like:

"I am looking for a long term relationship with a partner who is intelligent, curious and with a love of life. I want someone who likes to travel, eat good food, stay fit but who also likes to cuddle up to watch TV, or read a book."

I disclosed the fact I was divorced around 3 years ago and how long I was married to show I was not afraid of commitment and I had time to process the divorce.

OK, after what seemed like a lot of hard work the profile was ready and I clicked Submit. Note that you can come back to edit it later and I did this quite a lot to set the tone I wanted.