Using a dating app - this mans story

All the best Iain.

Update 13th Jan

I think I can say the difficult part is over and I have found a partner who seems a good fit.

First - why was it difficult I had one experience on New Years eve where a woman I had a good first date with suggested we went out to celebrate the new year - I suggested a large street party being held in the town center which had lots going on, but we could start in a hotel i used to stay at when I first worked here. It was a 5 start hotel but hada great bar and restaurant in the lobby so my plan was to have a few drinks and a snack in comfort then head out to the party later. My date had other plans - she ordered a bottle of champagne as soon as we arrived then a sushi platter and intended to spend the evening in the bar, even trying to persuade me to buy tickets to see a band playing in one of the functions rooms in the hotel (at £400 a head I declined).

When I went to the bathroom she ordered another bottle of champagne and more snacks so the bill was about a months salary for a local.

The evening was fun but I did get a feeling of being used for what i could pay for so the next day when I sent a message saying I wouldn't be going on any more dates as I didn't feel there was a good connection I was bombarded with a mixture of pleading and accusational messages (eg "you are just afraid you are falling in love with me").

I don't enjoy conflict or causing hurt so this was tough.

Second - I had another first date a few days later that went well - we certainly had chemistry, shared similar tastes in films and food and this led to a second date and an unexpected bedroom visit. We had quite a good connection in spite of her being 13 years younger than me.

This was the hardest part as I still wanted to meet the woman I first talked to but had not met yet - we shared so much more in common and talked a great deal so in spite of the unexpected escallation of my other potential girlfriend I still wanted to meet the other.

There was a lot of conflict for me over this as I hate the idea of infidelity but I did consult with my brother-in-law about what the etiquette is here and it seems that relationships only become exclusive when both partners talk it over and agree.

After I met with the other lady I was sure she was the best option for me so I had to make the difficult "dear Jane" email to the second lady - that was more difficult than I was expecting but it was met with silence - I got a read receipt but nothing more.

I've had a few more dates, sleep overs etc with the one I chose and I am happy I found a great match so lets see if this works out to be a long term thing. It does seem that way but after 3 years alone it will take some getting used to when we move in together.

I guess the moral of the story is that dating apps can work.

I shared my autism diagnosis carefully - asking them what they know about it (not a lot) and after showing I can communicate well, am pretty sorted thanks to lots of therapy and and also a bit of a romantic then it is seen as just an aspect of who I am.

I guess the moral of the story is that dating apps can work. There will be bumps along the way, some people will possibly be hurt a bit but so long as you are open, honest and direct then you will be in the best position you can be.

This concludes the updates. Thanks for listening.

Iain, I just wanted to say that I think it is jolly decent of you to put yourself forward as a human guinea pig, and report back here about your experience of using dating apps.

On a serious note, I have found it interesting to read of your experiences so far, and I do wish you well and hope it works out for you.

Aside from the fact that I don't own a smartphone, using a dating app is not something I could imagine myself willingly doing. I very much think I am better-suited to the old-school way of meeting potential suitors. Although there are aspects of being in a relationship that I miss, I think I have spent so many years accustomed to being single, that I am now rather set in my ways. If I was to meet someone, I think they would need to come equipped with a large house that had separate wings. Lol.

There is no way of avoiding the fact that you probably will cause disappointment to the women on the receiving end of those "Dear Jane" letters. In time, I am sure they will appreciate your honesty, and find comfort in knowing that you were a good guy who hadn't wanted to string them along. As for deciding the right time to commit to investing your time in just one of those ladies, I don't think that is something any of us can assist you with, but I think you already know that.

I suppose the way to be ethical with this is to be completely open and honest with all concerned. I have zero experience of online dating though so am very naive about these things! 

Iain, I know this is going to go against everything about how your brain works, but make an emotional descision! Not a totally practicle one or a hormone driven one, but who gives you joy?

Someone who you can talk too who is interested and interesting, I think, will be a better long term choice, don't forget the largest erogenous zone is the brain. So what she isn't as educated as you or more experienced? If she can hold your interest and make you think about things differently or about things you'd never thought of, then thats really valuable. You may meet and decide to riend zone each other, but hey, you will have made an interesting friend, win win.

I'm going to make a suggestion that I hope won't offend you, give in to your desires with this woman, despite the age gap etc, it might be an itch that needs to be scratched and once scratched disapears.

TheCatWoman said:

Is there anyone who you look forward to seeing more than the others?

Is there anyone you find yourself thinking about more than the others?

There is one person I like more than the rest but I have not met them in person yet and this may be the biggest reason I am waiting to decide. We talk a lot - many times a day about deep subject and while she may be less educated and experience than me we share a lot on many more subjects.

Another is 13 years younger than me and our conversations are often sexual in nature but I am aware that I am close to 60 and my drive is likely to slow well before hers so as a base for anything long term it is dubious, but there is a simpler, more joyful energy between us and that is hard to ignore.

I must do more research on how to consider making a practial decision rather than thinking with my hormones.

Is there anyone who you look forward to seeing more than the others?

Is there anyone you find yourself thinking about more than the others?

Are you day dreaming about anyone?

Do you find yourself thinking >>> would really enjoy this?

To me these feelings would tell me who I was really interested in, or at least help me whittle it down. Admittedly I've never been in the position of having so many potential partners to choose from and going by my previous record I'm really bad at picking relationships, so maybe ignore all of the above? lol

Update Dec 30

Just over 2 weeks into using the app and things are starting to get complicated, but in a more or less good way.

I have made a lot of "matches", probably thanks to being seen as a bit "exotic" to the locals and my profile saying the sort of things they like to hear. Note this city has a huge population so this is probably the reason, not because I am that special.

I have actually exchanged messages with 11 people and of these 8 are keen to meet (or we have already met). This time of year is a popular time for people to travel here (it is mid summer) so many are travelling with family to the beach, family homes etc, so I have only met with 3 for first dates but have most wanting to meet in early January.

Keeping track of the conversations was too much for my brain so I use a spreadsheet to track the key things we talk about and try to update this daily including a section that covers key elements like where we align, what things we share interests in and how our interactions were.
It feels a bit practical but I suppose it is a filter process to find the best matches.

I had to ask about what is the protocol for the next subject - how to you work out when to commit and stop seeing the other people? The answer is "when you or they ask". Seems simple enough I guess but how do you know if you are the one asking? Aargh!

Where I am having problems with is that I think the ones I have met realise there is competition and are using a lure of sex to "secure" me as theirs and I really feel this is a bit manipulative, although Brazil is a culture where sex more, err, accessible in a relationship than in the UK. Am I reading too much into this.

On the first date it is not uncommon to have the partner press up against you (when saying goodbye, waiting for a taxi etc) with their body making sure you notice their attibutes and checking out yours with their upper leg at the same time. I may just be old fashioned but that is surprising every time.

I won't get involved sexually until I have made my choice but as a male with a selection of willing possible partners this is a dilemma. Should I be a dog and hook up with several only to dump them when I find the best one? That really does not feel right for me.

It is probably the people pleaser in me but i don't like the thought of dissapointing those I let down. I already let down one I met as I really didn't feel the connection and she had been less than honest with me so I had grounds for it. That still hurt.

I guess I have more of this ahead. Time to start writing my "dear Jane" letters to them to have ready when the time comes - if only I could decide when to commit when I dont know any of them really well yet.

These are good problems to have I know, but they are taking a toll on my energy at what should be a happy time so I thought it worth sharing and asking for your thoughts.

Marianne72 said:

If you're in a dilemma, that's a sign you haven't 'fallen in love'

I'm sure we are not at the falling in love stage - at the moment it is still discovering more about the other person through chat.

Where my dilemma lies is when do I make the transition from "auditioning" potential partners to committing to one or the other. It would not be difficult to juggle a half dozen potential matches (becuase there are so many people looking here) but I want to build a rapport with the person, meet them to see if there is a spark between us and somewhere between this and the hopping into bed stage I need to be committed to only one.

I don't do infidenity (too old school) and even parallel dating by chat is making me a bit uncomfortable. This is an area I wanted to get ideas about how to deal with, especially from a female perspective.

If you're in a dilemma, that's a sign you haven't 'fallen in love' - love being an all-consuming focus. Keep looking and stop worrying! Being as intense as you appear might put the 'right' person off - it's a sign of desperation. I only know having been through the dating scenario for years, in my 20's, 30's and 40's. Set a limit to whom you see each week and, more pertinently, don't stop doing all the other things you do in your life. Lecture over  !

Living in the sticks (or on an island in your case) will leave you with a much, much smaller pool of potential matches unless you are able and willing to travel a long way and even then this depends on the other people being willing to consider dates distant to them.

TheCatWoman said:

Why do so many men post photo's of themselves with fish?

I read that it represents industriousness (they can manage the equipment and strategies to catch the fish), the provider capacity (they can provide fresh food to eat) and athleticism (big fish are surprisingly hard to land as they put up a struggle more than their size suggests).

I do have a picture of me holding my labrador puppy from 20 years ago but I suspect that is winning me admirers for the pup and not me - I look tired which was the results of running after a tornado of destruction called puppy all day.

One advantage is I have not aged much since then - a few more wrinkles but the hairline stopped at the same point (I look like a monk if it grows). It is a lot more white now but that means I can grow a beard and look like Santa if I want

mp500 said:

I don't know what its like for straight guys/girls but one problem on gay sites is filtering out people who want hookups. Its not that I'm opposed to hookups, its just not what I'm usually looking for.

It is something I noticed on the bios of most of the women here that they state they are not looking for casual hookups or to join couples for a fun time. I hadn't realised that people looking for group hookups was such a common thing.

For me I want a long term relationship and I don't endorse unfaithfulness which makes me seem "too good to be true" for some and they think I'm lying. I suspect that is a symptom of their experiences here, a trauma if you will, which on one hand makes me feel validated that I am following the right way for me but also makes me feel sad that his has been such a common experience for women.

mp500 said:

I now just stick to some fetish-specific sites (which I won't name here). These aren't really 'dating' sites but they can be good way to meet people with similar 'interests'.

I've never really considered this sort of thing before. Perhaps is I find myself single again in future I may look at what this is all about for areas that interest me purely out of interest - thanks for pointing out that such things exist.

Where I live in the old centre of Sao Paulo there is a huge gay scene and I know so many gay and trans people who live near me as they are very often well educated and speak English so it is nice to speak in my native tongue to them. They seem to have so much fun compared to the straight people I know here. They also look after themselves so much better - many are in the gym nearly as often as I am (which is largely how I know them) and many have really got themselves in great shape.

Haha the fish question is funny as I know a few people like this. Maybe they’re like ‘hey, check me, I can fend for myself?’ Shrug …

I had very few responses when I did online dating, partly due to living somewhere nobody had ever heard of. I went on one site that used some kind of proto AI to find matches and asked lots of questions to enable it to find better matches, that didn't work either, it ended up giving me one match and I think that was more about geography than because it thought we'd get on. But this site was American and the questions it asked were very US based and they had to change them all fr UK users.

Why do so many men post photo's of themselves with fish?

Good to hear your experience.

I've pretty much given up on dating sites. I used to use Plenty of Fish, and did meet some nice guys on there (none of which worked out sadly) but they made their website much harder to use in recent years. There was also a gay-specific one called OnlyLads which seemed to have fewer and fewer people using it, before mysteriously disappearing and being relaunched as some phone app thing.

I don't know what its like for straight guys/girls but one problem on gay sites is filtering out people who want hookups. Its not that I'm opposed to hookups, its just not what I'm usually looking for.

I now just stick to some fetish-specific sites (which I won't name here). These aren't really 'dating' sites but they can be good way to meet people with similar 'interests'.

MikeMiketyMike said:

I have zero usable photos of myself and I am unable to smile if someone points a camera at me.

I would recommend getting someone to spend some time with you and take a load of photos in different situations in all sorts of masked poses - I have seen some people do a non smiling range where they look serious but normally add at least one where there is a bit of a grin showing through just to point out that they are not taking it too seriously.

Through the sheer number of photos they take it should desensitise you and let something more natural come to the fore when you let your defences slip.

You can also just go fully authentic, have serious pictures and out your autism - this is also a valid strategy that shows you are self aware, but you should take extra care when vetting potential mates as this could also mark you as a target for scammers.

For me I try to think of the things that make me really happy and put my phone in burst mode so I get a bunch of pics a short time apart so I get more to choose from. Take loads and some are likely to work out through the laws of averages.

If you never try then how will you ever succeed? Try positive thinking - I found it surprisingly effective.

Really interesting posts, thanks for sharing. As someone in a not dissimilar position to yourself I've been contemplating online dating for at least the last year and somehow not got round to it. I have zero usable photos of myself and I am unable to smile if someone points a camera at me. A photo of me looking very awkward would be very true to life but I'm not sure it will attract any matches!

I have had one experience of online dating and it's when they first started so 20-25 years ago.

I had a lot of responses and I got quite overwhelmed.

I ended up meeting someone but although we had hit it off online we really didn't in person and also, he didn't look like his photograph.

I deleted my profile after that experience.

In the end, I met my now husband through work around 19 years ago.

Doing what you are isn't that easy for us autists and I admire you for making a go of it.

All the best with this Iain.

I agree with JB33.

I would keep talking to the two you really like as think that’s a reasonable approach until you know more. Nothing is exclusive right now and if either says it is, then that’s a red flag IMO. you’re evaluating personality fit just now and gauging connection. I think you’ll quickly know which one you gravitate to more, that will be the signal to call it off with the other woman.