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Using a dating app - this mans story

Iain

This series of posts is part blog about my experience of a dating app with part dedicated to my autistic traits and also some advice.

Why and how to choose

After 2 and a half years since my divorce I decided it was enough time on my own and I was ready to get back on the dating scene for the first time in 27 years.
It seems to have changed a bit. 


Back when I was last dating there were no mobile phones of consequence, the internet didn't really exist in a usable form and there was a huge amount of luck involved in finding a partner.


From an autistic perspective there was a lot of comfort in my situation of living alone. I had my film library so never was stuck for something good to watch, I had literally thousands of books on subjects I love to read and all my home comforts were in easy reach. No need to socialise, all the sleep I wanted and a routine I had full control over, but I was still becoming lonely.


I took a practical approach - research which dating app platform has the widest use and has decent ratings, do some research on it and get going.


The largest number of users was on Tinder (I have no affiliation, I'm just a user of the service) so I signed up for this at a cost of around £6/month for the gold membership that lets you see who has "liked" you so it makes finding potential matches much easier.

NOTE the posts will be in reverse order so start from the oldest.

Parents

  • Update Dec 30

    Just over 2 weeks into using the app and things are starting to get complicated, but in a more or less good way.

    I have made a lot of "matches", probably thanks to being seen as a bit "exotic" to the locals and my profile saying the sort of things they like to hear. Note this city has a huge population so this is probably the reason, not because I am that special.

    I have actually exchanged messages with 11 people and of these 8 are keen to meet (or we have already met). This time of year is a popular time for people to travel here (it is mid summer) so many are travelling with family to the beach, family homes etc, so I have only met with 3 for first dates but have most wanting to meet in early January.

    Keeping track of the conversations was too much for my brain so I use a spreadsheet to track the key things we talk about and try to update this daily including a section that covers key elements like where we align, what things we share interests in and how our interactions were.
    It feels a bit practical but I suppose it is a filter process to find the best matches.

    I had to ask about what is the protocol for the next subject - how to you work out when to commit and stop seeing the other people? The answer is "when you or they ask". Seems simple enough I guess but how do you know if you are the one asking? Aargh!

    Where I am having problems with is that I think the ones I have met realise there is competition and are using a lure of sex to "secure" me as theirs and I really feel this is a bit manipulative, although Brazil is a culture where sex more, err, accessible in a relationship than in the UK. Am I reading too much into this.

    On the first date it is not uncommon to have the partner press up against you (when saying goodbye, waiting for a taxi etc) with their body making sure you notice their attibutes and checking out yours with their upper leg at the same time. I may just be old fashioned but that is surprising every time.

    I won't get involved sexually until I have made my choice but as a male with a selection of willing possible partners this is a dilemma. Should I be a dog and hook up with several only to dump them when I find the best one? That really does not feel right for me.

    It is probably the people pleaser in me but i don't like the thought of dissapointing those I let down. I already let down one I met as I really didn't feel the connection and she had been less than honest with me so I had grounds for it. That still hurt.

    I guess I have more of this ahead. Time to start writing my "dear Jane" letters to them to have ready when the time comes - if only I could decide when to commit when I dont know any of them really well yet.

    These are good problems to have I know, but they are taking a toll on my energy at what should be a happy time so I thought it worth sharing and asking for your thoughts.

  • in reply to Iain

    Is there anyone who you look forward to seeing more than the others?

    Is there anyone you find yourself thinking about more than the others?

    Are you day dreaming about anyone?

    Do you find yourself thinking >>> would really enjoy this?

    To me these feelings would tell me who I was really interested in, or at least help me whittle it down. Admittedly I've never been in the position of having so many potential partners to choose from and going by my previous record I'm really bad at picking relationships, so maybe ignore all of the above? lol

Reply
  • in reply to Iain

    Is there anyone who you look forward to seeing more than the others?

    Is there anyone you find yourself thinking about more than the others?

    Are you day dreaming about anyone?

    Do you find yourself thinking >>> would really enjoy this?

    To me these feelings would tell me who I was really interested in, or at least help me whittle it down. Admittedly I've never been in the position of having so many potential partners to choose from and going by my previous record I'm really bad at picking relationships, so maybe ignore all of the above? lol

Children
  • in reply to TheCatWoman
    TheCatWoman said:

    Is there anyone who you look forward to seeing more than the others?

    Is there anyone you find yourself thinking about more than the others?

    There is one person I like more than the rest but I have not met them in person yet and this may be the biggest reason I am waiting to decide. We talk a lot - many times a day about deep subject and while she may be less educated and experience than me we share a lot on many more subjects.

    Another is 13 years younger than me and our conversations are often sexual in nature but I am aware that I am close to 60 and my drive is likely to slow well before hers so as a base for anything long term it is dubious, but there is a simpler, more joyful energy between us and that is hard to ignore.

    I must do more research on how to consider making a practial decision rather than thinking with my hormones.