Using a dating app - this mans story

Update Dec 30

Just over 2 weeks into using the app and things are starting to get complicated, but in a more or less good way.

I have made a lot of "matches", probably thanks to being seen as a bit "exotic" to the locals and my profile saying the sort of things they like to hear. Note this city has a huge population so this is probably the reason, not because I am that special.

I have actually exchanged messages with 11 people and of these 8 are keen to meet (or we have already met). This time of year is a popular time for people to travel here (it is mid summer) so many are travelling with family to the beach, family homes etc, so I have only met with 3 for first dates but have most wanting to meet in early January.

Keeping track of the conversations was too much for my brain so I use a spreadsheet to track the key things we talk about and try to update this daily including a section that covers key elements like where we align, what things we share interests in and how our interactions were.
It feels a bit practical but I suppose it is a filter process to find the best matches.

I had to ask about what is the protocol for the next subject - how to you work out when to commit and stop seeing the other people? The answer is "when you or they ask". Seems simple enough I guess but how do you know if you are the one asking? Aargh!

Where I am having problems with is that I think the ones I have met realise there is competition and are using a lure of sex to "secure" me as theirs and I really feel this is a bit manipulative, although Brazil is a culture where sex more, err, accessible in a relationship than in the UK. Am I reading too much into this.

On the first date it is not uncommon to have the partner press up against you (when saying goodbye, waiting for a taxi etc) with their body making sure you notice their attibutes and checking out yours with their upper leg at the same time. I may just be old fashioned but that is surprising every time.

I won't get involved sexually until I have made my choice but as a male with a selection of willing possible partners this is a dilemma. Should I be a dog and hook up with several only to dump them when I find the best one? That really does not feel right for me.

It is probably the people pleaser in me but i don't like the thought of dissapointing those I let down. I already let down one I met as I really didn't feel the connection and she had been less than honest with me so I had grounds for it. That still hurt.

I guess I have more of this ahead. Time to start writing my "dear Jane" letters to them to have ready when the time comes - if only I could decide when to commit when I dont know any of them really well yet.

These are good problems to have I know, but they are taking a toll on my energy at what should be a happy time so I thought it worth sharing and asking for your thoughts.

Iain, I just wanted to say that I think it is jolly decent of you to put yourself forward as a human guinea pig, and report back here about your experience of using dating apps.

On a serious note, I have found it interesting to read of your experiences so far, and I do wish you well and hope it works out for you.

Aside from the fact that I don't own a smartphone, using a dating app is not something I could imagine myself willingly doing. I very much think I am better-suited to the old-school way of meeting potential suitors. Although there are aspects of being in a relationship that I miss, I think I have spent so many years accustomed to being single, that I am now rather set in my ways. If I was to meet someone, I think they would need to come equipped with a large house that had separate wings. Lol.

There is no way of avoiding the fact that you probably will cause disappointment to the women on the receiving end of those "Dear Jane" letters. In time, I am sure they will appreciate your honesty, and find comfort in knowing that you were a good guy who hadn't wanted to string them along. As for deciding the right time to commit to investing your time in just one of those ladies, I don't think that is something any of us can assist you with, but I think you already know that.

Iain, I just wanted to say that I think it is jolly decent of you to put yourself forward as a human guinea pig, and report back here about your experience of using dating apps.

On a serious note, I have found it interesting to read of your experiences so far, and I do wish you well and hope it works out for you.

Aside from the fact that I don't own a smartphone, using a dating app is not something I could imagine myself willingly doing. I very much think I am better-suited to the old-school way of meeting potential suitors. Although there are aspects of being in a relationship that I miss, I think I have spent so many years accustomed to being single, that I am now rather set in my ways. If I was to meet someone, I think they would need to come equipped with a large house that had separate wings. Lol.

There is no way of avoiding the fact that you probably will cause disappointment to the women on the receiving end of those "Dear Jane" letters. In time, I am sure they will appreciate your honesty, and find comfort in knowing that you were a good guy who hadn't wanted to string them along. As for deciding the right time to commit to investing your time in just one of those ladies, I don't think that is something any of us can assist you with, but I think you already know that.