Socialising difficulties

Thank you Emu1973, yeah you're right about that and I do try to accept it! although sometimes I feel awkward and find it difficult to join in, most of the time I'm happy being who I am. In the past though I had friends who understood my quirky ways and differences, they didn't pressure me to go out at night and would think of daytime things for us to do. when I did go out with them, they didn't try to push me to drink more or to stay out longer than I wanted to, and when I would leave somewhere because of strobe lighting they seemed to understand. But it's so much harder with these friends because they aren't understanding about it at all, it makes it even more unpleasant for me and I'm only going there to try to be social. I'm trying to find an excuse to get out of the next night out, I'm dreading it already, I only go out every couple of months if that, but it's bad enough, that last time was the worst ever though!

Micalop - I'm sorry to hear you're being bullied where you live. There's nothing wrong with being different anyway. Those people have a much bigger problem than you do. Try not to let them get you down, although I know that's easier said than done. I was bullied at my last job for being different and struggling with conversation and eye contact etc, but this job I seem to be more lucky with so far, they sometimes comment on me being quiet but they don't push it and they've never mentioned anything about me not making eye contact with people. I don't think anyone's taken offense anyway. well one person did when I didn't show sympathy or empathy at a problem, but I explained that I do care but I find it hard to express it. She seemed to be happy with the explanation and we get on well still. 

I hope hope you find a way to sort your problem and not let them bother you.

I am NT and would much prefer, like you to go to a nice art gallery for example and have a quiet lunch than to get drunk, go to a club and muck around with guys. I am settled with a family, and 40 - so that could be why, but in honesty, some people need to drink to let their guard down - as lots of NT's go around with a "mask" on - acting in such a way so as to be accepted and many would hanker for your honest, open, uncomplicated and real approach to life - dont knock yourself, accept it :-)

Just because you are non-NT doesnt mean you have to copy or try to fit into behaviour you dislike - Theres nothing "wrong" with you. and feeling uncomfortable in these sorts of situations is your cue to do something different. 

Perhaps spending more time in the places you feel comfortable will enable you to meet others with a similar outlook to your own. Or perhaps join up with ramblers assoc. or book group may help you find better suited aquaintences. 

micalop - can't you find somewhere else to live? you mustnt become a prisoner in yoru own home.. 

Am not the best person at socializing my conversations start of good then I run out of things to say I don't maintain eye contact and sometimes what others find Interesting doesn't appeal to me, I have been called tactless and retarded. I have been told of and victimized  for telling the truth. I have only a few friends but they are good. I get along with my family very well. I stay away from trouble makers and I have been discriminated ad persecuted were I live because of my Autism. When I get home from work I ran quickly into my home so the neighbors don't get a chance to bully me.  I find most people are still very ignorant and uncaring and some just take advantage and are cruel with it.

They have picked up on the fact that am different from them and they zoom in on it.  

I value my privacy and these bullies wont let me have it.

Well, I do have a few interests and I go out to various activites through the week. I go to bell ringing (as in church bells) and archery. I love kayaking but haven't been able to do it since moving back home because there's no where to go around here. I love space and astronomy so I've been looking into the open days at the local observatory. but I struggle to make proper connections with people. I do talk to people at the clubs though, but I don't connect with any of them outside of the club. 

I know I'm stating the obvious but if you have certain interests, there may be societies in your area who have meetings + you could join.

That's a very interesting explanation actually and i think you probably have something there! Thankfully even being around them I've kept my own identity, I wouldn't know how to be any different, and although they're the only friends I have nearby at the moment, I don't see myself turning into them at least. its hard to meet people and make friends. 

Hope - Its a shame that online social forums are just online as I would definitely go to museums and galleries with you otherwise! I did an art degree so my friends at uni would happily go to galleries. I went to Paris a couple of years ago with two friends and it was four days of them... It was brilliant!! 

If I knew Mason personally, I think we would get along. I am also into museums and intellectual pursuits, but can only really pursue them with my parents. Finding others to accompany me is a challenge.

This is the problem that autism "creates" you don't get many options for friends because it makes it hard to "network", which is how NTs find friends.

NTs (sorry to those who don't like the term, but it is harder to explain otherwise than "muggles" for non-magic persons)......

NTs will find social connections in almost any context, and will use those connections to find other groups of friends. Any NTs out there I am sure can confirm that their present circle of friends grew out of lots of fortuitous connections.

With Autism or Asperger's you are very lucky to find any group of friends that will take you on and that sometimes means inappropriate friendships. Any parents out there with Asperger's sons who are now Emos or Goths?  Or caught up with evangelical groups that feel they will be blessed for adopting a disabled person?

Sad to say but some of the motivations for letting someone with autism into a group of friends aren't quite that fair to the autistic individual.

The crowd you are with at the moment sound hedonistic - getting drunk and merry is the primary objective. It may be that the kind of work they do makes a recreational option that let's them "let their hair down" ideal.

The problem with a group like that is they don't have a good reputation with others who don't want to get pissed every night. They will be perceived as foolish, insincere, wastrels etc. So when someone comes along and joins in with them who is a bit intellectual and more respectable, albeit a little odd, that person's presence "ups" their image.

I know this because I've been there a few times - and it has taken a while to realise why I've been adopted so easily, when other crowds I'd rather be with have shunned me. Most social circles that are more sober and intellectual, and worried about image, wont take on someone with autism because it might affect others' opinions of them.

I've also found that if you get in with the wrong crowd, it makes it harder to change, because once it is known you "hang out with that lot" you wont be welcome in other groups, that might otherwise have welcomed you. I'm sure the NTs or "muggles" out there can confirm that that is generally true.

In terms of work backgrounds, incidentally, one of the best crowds I've ever encountered are programmers. And that might make sense for many people with Aspergers. But for some reason programmers seem to socialise sensibly and responsibly and still have a lot of fun.

Yes I like museums and galleries and there are friends I have who like to go to them too. But I wouldn't go there with these new friends, they wouldn't like it at all, I do tend to go to them on my own. I have been to alton towers with them which i love.  They only seem to want to drink, but I'll have to try and see if they'll do something different. I like the zoo and I have a friend who wants to go to the zoo with me in the summer. She's my closest friend and understands me a lot better. But she doesn't live near here. 

Are museums and galleries really "social" events? You are likely to get disapproving looks from others if your group talks too loudly or causes distraction. Its a quiet pursuit, usually for solitary contemplation.

Music, theatre, dance - yes you can go with others but the social bit is likely to be in the interval and before and after, especially if a meal in a restaurant is part of it.

You have to think what other things would this party going circle willingly go to with you. They might be adventurous about going to a wildlife park or zoo, public formal gardens or a park with some novel theme to it, fun park (rides). Trade those sorts of things with you occasionally going clubbing might help - museums and galleries maybe not social enough.

Go to somewhere with performance art that allows social chat and drinking - like a wine bar with entertainment laid on - another option.

Don't make the optional night out too different from their world and something might come about.

The other option is to try some different night-life social scenes to see if you can get in with a new more ammenable crowd. The ones you've been going with lately seem a bit selfish and rude.

For example 10-pin bowling - not my thing at all, but the crowd you find there will tend to go to lots of similar environments where you can laugh, chat, eat junk food etc while doing something. You might have to trade on doing things you less like but like more than being stuck in an unpleasant party you can't leave easily with people you don't really like.

I can relate to that post on aspects of aspergers! Having been to uni and socialising with work friends too, I sometimes have had to make myself go out like last weekend to help build friendships. I would however only stay out for as long as I felt comfortable enough to, I would leave much earlier than everyone else. I could deal with the pub and bar environment easier than a club. my worst thing in clubs is strobe lighting, it kills my eyes and if they put it on I leave and go home And the music is so loud, and too many people all bumping into me, it's very stressful.

This time though, I was with people who didn't understand me or know my quirky ways like that and in a place where I couldn't just go home. That was a big problem for me. The people not being nice didn't help at all either. i would take IntenseWorlds advice and get new friends but I moved home over a year ago and these are the only actual friends I've managed to make, I get on with people from work, but I don't go out with them and to be honest they're all the same, they all go out clubbing every weekend and it's all they want to do.

I find it hard to meet people so I try to make an effort sometimes but I think this time it back-fired a bit. I would go with this girls again, unfortunately though I notice this socialising thing only works one way. I have to go out to bars and clubs with them, but they don't have to come to museums, galleries and similar cultural and fun things with me... A bit unfair really!

I found this though, which seemed oh so familiar...... aspectsofaspergers.wordpress.com/.../

I have the impression that it has become more and more free of boundaries - there has always been a rebellion against accepted convention, but now there seem to be no alternatives if you don't want to be all crowded in in one room, be it "public" space or a bedroom (or bedrooms), all out on 'relaxation accessories' whether smoked, swallowed or snorted, all noise and close physical contact.

It is never going to be easy if you don't have full use of non-verbal communication, and the complex noise and lights get to you. Alcohol doesn't help if you need to concentrate to follow what is going on.

On the other hand the alternatives aren't necessarily any better. People still socialise in less noisy pubs, but if you don't fit in this isn't an easy environment. Some music scenes don't need to be pursued via loose living, but can still be noisy and disturbing.

It just seems to be one of those areas where there's no advice around for people with autism and aspergers. And while I've only been to one or two aspie groups, they don't do anything for me.

I recognise the club scene has changed from when I was younger. I've always, both before and after diagnosis, opted for pushing my boundaries. That means going out and trying to survive, and even going to places I knew I'd hate just to confront my demons and try to understand better what made it so difficult.

House parties are the worst environments for me, because I cannot understand what people are saying against background noise, and I tire quickly and end up looking (and feeling) completely out of it - so don't get invited back. I tend to arrive early and leave early as it reaches my noise threshold.

Night clubs on the other hand often have very loud music, which prevents conversation, and acts like white noise.  There are always less harsh corners to retreat to. But because I don't have to converse much it is actually much easier.

I think a lot of damage is done by retreating from social life just because it is difficult. If the kind of thing Mason describes isn't feasible, find an environment that is more tolerable. In the end just getting some social exposure is better than none.

I know the feeling... that's why I just don't go to these things.

I would try to find better friends.  Are there any Aspie social groups in your area?