How challenging is small talk for you?

Ha, is it safe to come out from under the table? You are right, My wife rang our estate agent on Friday, she asked to speak to the relevant person and waited, a few seconds later was told, “lm sorry she’s just gone out.” They only work in one room, why the delay?Do they actually think we are stupid? I get told by them that they have left messages on my phone, my phone seems to show all other missed calls and messages apart from theirs. The agent then starts a conversation, “with due respect,” so basically you are now calling me an ar*e hole. At the end of all this, they expect us to pay them £6,000.  Sorry starting to follow your fine example.  

Jay said:

I enjoy talking to strangers as I don't feel any pressure.

Excellent point - and I like the variety this gives me.

Oh good, I didn't want to be unusual! (joke, I really don't mind!). 

I find the way other people live their lives interesting, what they enjoy doing, how they find meaning and fulfilment.  Of course, extracting that from someone is pretty difficult if the starting point is 'isn't it cold today'!    

Alice - I remember being/feel like you but I'm in my 50's now - age does things to you!

May I ask roughly your age?

Unknown said:

I can find myself feeling so very "other" to the person with whom I am trying to communicate with

This happens to me. I get frustrated and upset when I feel that the other person just isn't understanding what I'm trying to say and I stop trying. Sometimes I feel like I speak a completely different language and I never knew. It makes me feel very lonely 

This is very familiar.  I enjoy talking to strangers as I don't feel any pressure.  I don't really have the social skills to 'convert it' as you put it.  Most of the people who have at one point been friends have been quite confident and chatty people who go out of their way to be friendly.

Jay said:

I'm pretty interested in people really so it's OK, is that unusual?

I find people fascinating so not to me, no lol

I like finding out what they think and why, I guess because different is interesting to me. I may also be collecting knowledge for future situations, I don't know. I do know that talking to people is important for me when I'm facing a difficult situation, almost like I'm asking them how they would feel so I can decide if I feel like that too.

I certainly do. I hate dishonesty with a passion. I see absolutely no benefit to anyone when lies are told (I assume there is a benefit that I don't see lol), it makes life unnecessarily difficult because people are working with false information. Why would anyone want that?

This loathing has spread to excusing oneself too. If you don't want to do something, tell me. Don't make up some dull excuse that insults my intelligence and lessens both my respect for and trust in you.

Dishonesty in all its forms feels like gaslighting to me, and I shutdown immediately. I just don't have time for it.

*Sorry  Rant over now, I promise hehe

It is all about the circumstances.

If I am able to assist or help someone with a task, I find that my projected self is very NT and conventionally chatty, relaxed and comfortable with the other/others  - task orientated interactions are ALWAYS preferred by me.

I am often told that I can be truly sparkling in certain social circumstances, (heavy preference for 1-2-1 interaction) but can play the loud funny clown in groups that don't overwhelm me.  Shopping Centres overwhelm me, outdoors I am always content.  I struggle to connect the most with really "normal" people in really "normal" places - my values and perspectives never seem to align with the norm.  Within a couple of sentences of exchange, I can find myself feeling so very "other" to the person with whom I am trying to communicate with.  I understand how some rational humans contemplate a simulator existence - this is how "the most normal people" can appear to me - reasonably often !

I like people but I am normally lonely.

I like to help people if I can.

Animals sustain me.

Number.

I don't really get small talk.  I mean there's only so long you can talk about nothing for. 

However, if the other person is chatty and has some topics of conversation in mind then, personally, I don't find this to be an issue as I'm happy to let them talk and I can work out follow up questions if needed.  I'm pretty interested in people really so it's OK, is that unusual?

If it's all on me and they are quiet too then it's obviously much more difficult to get a conversation going.  

As I say a lot when I post on this forum, for context, I don't know if I'm autistic but am waiting for assessment and I enjoy this forum so continue to post on it at the moment.

I wonder if autistic people do just prefer straight honest talk. What I find is, I’m trying to answer, anxiety starts and words are piling up in my head, the words I want can’t get to the front, I then freeze and it can look like I’ve been switched off for a short while. As someone else said, if it’s someone I’ve met before I remember their children’s names or normally with men, the are you busy at work?

I will talk to anyone. But ihow i find small talk really depends on the situation, if it's with people I know or strangers and if I am doing something while the small talk is happening and how stressed or fatigued I feel. I find it easier with strangers because it's not going to go anywhere. I find it relatively easy at work but there's still an element of "working it all out". It's hard when I'm trying to do a task at the same time. I find converting small talk into something more meaningful (like with people I see more regularly in order to become more acquainted) quite difficult. My friend is very good at working this sort of magic and is on chatting terms with people in shops just because she sees them regularly. I've no idea how she managed this.

I am rubbish at any type of conversation, unless it is fully scripted and rehearsed in advance. Of course rehearsing and scripting depends on knowing what the other person is going to say. As you can imagine it rarely goes to plan beyond the first sentence.

My brain takes ages to process something that is said to me. I've only recently realised that I memorise what people say and replay that 'recording' back to myself in my head until my brain can try and process it. I then miss what is said next, as I'm still replaying the previous comment. Some of those 'recordings' are still stuck in my head years later.

I also have unreliable speech, whereby when I do manage to say something it isn't necessarily what I intended to say or what is appropriate to the conversation.

I would prefer to not communicate verbally at all, for the remainder of my time on this planet. It requires so much mental effort that I just don't have the energy anymore. If I haven't got the hang of conversation by this stage in my life then I doubt I ever will.

I hope it is ok to quote from the profile of the much missed Luna. I'm sorry that I did not read it while she was alive, as I resonate with her words so much. It explains how conversation is far better than I ever could:

"I’m not good at being social, it’s like my brain freezes and doesn’t know what to do and I just stand there, staring at my hands, my feet, a leaf blowing through the air... trying desperately to think of something to say. But no words ever come. Well, some do, like ok, thanks, yeah, sure... Not a great conversation carrier right."

Yes, a few good men 

Unknown said:

have profound trouble keeping up with what my mind is doing

That is half the problem, I’m trying to keep up with the conversation, at the same time my brain is somewhere else and thinking about something totally different. What Steven said about the weather conversations, that’s when I start to scream inside. 

Roy said:

It’s a dance I find is pointless

I find it incredibly difficult to lie but I am aware of social conventions, so I have adapted my definition of certain responses to fit social norms. For example, fine: I have my health, food and a bed - my head is currently a whirlwind of various stresses that I couldn't make you understand even if either of us wanted that. So I'm fine, the answer to your question is I'm fine.

However, it does still annoy me that an honest answer is not wanted, why ask if you don't want to know? Makes no sense to me...

I've never mastered chit chat. I either find it incredibly boring or I pick up on something they say and run with it to the point I bore them. I also talk a lot about me which is me trying to relate my experience to them but it usually comes off as self absorbed. 

I often rehearse chit chat, but that never really helps because it adds to my anxiety. I also like real conversation rather than just talking for the sake of talking (although I talk a lot so that possibly doesn't come across haha)

I hear that. Although, generally speaking I can more or less do the small talk thing (in a way that doesn't often bother people anyway), if something strays outside my expectations, I freeze up. I will remain like a rabbit in the headlights until the situation becomes understandable again. I believe I come across as rude more often than I realise, and it's never intended. I wish I could explain that I'm never intentionally rude, but that doesn't tend to go down well either. People think I'm lying, which I hate more.

Roy said:

sometimes think to myself, “Do you really want to know what’s going on in my head at the moment? I think not.

Oh yes....when I get quiet......although I;m probably a bit more Jack Nicolas about it ie "You think you want the truth about what I am thinking about - YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH."  Often, I have profound trouble keeping up with what my mind is doing - and why ! 

Small talk is excruciating for me. I freeze up and can usually only manage one word answers and I probably come across as very rude.

I don't mind, provided it doesn't go beyond the basics.

I tend to ask women how their kids are doing. (a lot of those kids have Autism) And for men I mention Sport. It's a safe each-way bet, for me.