How challenging is small talk for you?

I'm 36. I believe age is beginning to do things to me hehehe

Alice said:

why ask if you don't want to know?

Because asking is the social convention we have all been taught. Have you never been trapped having asked this supposedly innocuous question by someone who then proceeds to spend half an hour describing is scary gory detail their latest medical procedures? That happened to me once and I made sure to not ask her again! My politeness and empathy held me captive but I wanted to get away as I have a bit of a phobia about medical procedures. I do not know how to politely extricate myself from such a situation because it is outside my scripting. This was an acquaintance at a social event, not a close friend.

I would probably prefer it was not part of the expected social dance as I don't find it an easy question to answer either, having a long term physical disability and probable alexithymia though I only recently discovered the latter.

I much prefer the weather as a topic!

When I’m asked how I am, I often just say “Good”, I rarely reciprocate the question. I don’t exchange greetings or good byes. 
most of my colleagues don’t expect anything different from me.

Filmcow … they made some really good stuff 

It depends on the situation. I can do the odd comment with a stranger for example at a bus stop. Unlike others I find the weather a good conversation, partly because it is not personal, but also because I have always been fascinated by weather and would probably describe it as a special interest, however I am probably in the minority there.

In small groups where I know people well  I can talk too much about interests and probably in more detail than others are interested in.

However with a lot of people I have one word answers or don't know how to start a conversation. I then feel all up tight and just want to disappear. For that reason I try to avoid a lot of social situations.

If I'm talking to someone I don't really know well then to the question "how are you?" My automatic response is "fine thanks, how are you?" Though I may forget to acknowledge their response. I forget to ask people how their hospitalised family member is, or did your daughter have a nice party (this last one was Monday, and when she mentioned the Saturday being busy she then had to explain why). I can forget to say "hello" and often just get straight to the point of what I want or need to say.

Y-- You know th-- One thing I sh-- 'Scuse me for one second... 

[Runs away]

I'm actually not too bad with it as long as it's in a managebly small group in quietish surrounds ideally. It's a muscle given a regular workout in work etc. If I'm suddenly in more of an event situation - bigger gathering - I can get paralysed and forcing words out becomes very hard. 

My other big danger is that I can really ramble in the most circumlocutionary way when I do get going. I know it's off balancing normal to conversational weighting, and it could almost seem like an affectation to those who don't know me better. I can feel a panic rising in me as I side-wind complicatedly towards 'the point' that others would get to in ten seconds and more articulately yet concisely. I hate it, but it's how I am and I don't think it will ever change much. 

So next time I am required to make small talk with a NT I should ask if they have any fleas I can assist with 

I remember that website, it sounded like the creator of it was on crack. :) 

Her name was Charley. It was a Charley the unicorn reference. She didn’t find it as funny as I did. 

I don't, and animals are lovely.  Predictably, I agree with all you have written.....again.

I struggle with it. I've memorised scripts, but it's easy to get thrown if they don't say what I expect and/or I have problems processing what they say (or hearing it, if there's a lot of background noise). I've worked out at volunteering that if I just occasionally say what I'm about to do next, that basically "counts" as joining in. At work, my boss in an introvert and makes about one minute of small talk at the start of the day and that's it, which is good.

Unlike many autistics, though, I do sort-of understand why neurotypicals like small talk. The "Aha!" moment was when I realised it's basically the same thing as grooming in primates. When NTs talk about the weather, it's equivalent to chimpanzees pulling fleas off each other, a way of showing attention and care to build social bonds, rather than being purposeful in itself.

Thats why I like baord games. Socialising with a purpose.

I mean I can't task and talk at the same time.

It's interesting because I have started doing some work somewhere in quite a "safe" open minded environment so I am playing around with the mask, and seeing just how my processes actually work when interacting with others. How much I feel I need to do things vs want.

I have a strong preference for 1:1 but then there's nowhere to hide but all my friends are really chatty. I ike groups of 4 with me included. I'm at my best then. Sitting and listening. No pressure to keep things going but it's usually just one conversation so can follow it.

But on the otherhand well, I saw a video once about "uncanny valley" and get that sense of uncanniness with people who are most usually "normies". If I get enough cues off them and a sense that "everything is ok" I can be quite chatty. It's often when I have to fend for myself and put myself out there that I struggle.  I think because we read situations differently, we need more overt signals that "yes you are accepted/ok in this situation" whereas other people maybe get more of a general feel through vagueness. It's a bit of a double bind how i see. That we need the confirmation but due to differences in communication, we don't get this.

I htink among the general population there are many differences in terms of communication, style, preference etc but it's just not analysed to the nth degree like with me haha!

I hope you don't feel lonely on here. Animals are lovely.

LOL that has completely brightened my day even if it wasn't meant to. It sounds like what the dad off Friday Night Dinner might say.

Or I remmeber something quite innocuous that they told me in passing. But then it seems a bit weird to bring it up, and experience has told me exactly that. Maybe because other people wouldn't remember ithese sorts of things. You have to judge it carefully haha

Oh, absolutely. If they weren't predictable with their small talk I never would have learned what they want me to say!

Once when being introduced to a girl I opened with, ‘hello do you still have both your kidneys?’

i agree and I think you can always find interesting nuggets about other people even if they are vastly different to you.

It shouldn't be all on you.  This idea has been with me for such a long time and you end up busting a gut and it's tiring. Interactions work both ways. The problem I've had before is I cannot see if someone doesn't want to talk. I'm naturally a quiet person although I like being around people. I cannot often tell if a situation is awkward or not so end up gabbing on even if the other person doesn't want to. Now I'm a bit more relaxed about it. I'l give a bit and if they want to talk they can.

Extremely challenging and one of my worst nightmares! When a shop assistant at the checkout starts to make small talk I have to try and work out what to say back and stop myself from having a panic attack and meltdown. 

Sensory overload in less than a 20 seconds.