I feel like an alien

I just moved into new apartments and I have a neighbor who lives above me. Everytime I walk out my back door to take my dog out, she's on her patio and just starts talking to me.  I hate being autistic because I think she's trying to be nice, but It just startles and overwhelms the crap out of me. Now I just have an another reason to stay inside. I wish I could make friends "naturally" but it's feels forced and overwhelming. I wish I knew how to act like them

  • I understand what that's like.

    At school as a child and now as an adult I isolate myself because I don't know how to act around people. They are so different to me I just can't explain how the complexity of it all affects me. It's better for me stay away isolated rather than try and make an idiot of myself, you know, because otherwise it's too much pressure and anxiety. The last thing I want is a meltdown. Isolation helps but it leads to loneliness and has likely contributed to some of my MH problems. I am partially deaf and have a medical badge identifying this and it does alleviate some of the anxiety and makes me feel less bad about not talking to people, you know.

  • Yes, interoception if you are aware of internal body states, which many people are, but you are hypersensitive to it. Definitely not caused by anxiety.  I think its more not being able to filter out, ignore things that the brain senses but normally aren't helpful, and some aspects of autism are like that, notice too much, feel too much, and not able to focus clearly because of all that.

    Have you heard of Willard Wigan, a fantastic autistic micro-sculptor - makes figures, scenes, that fit in the eye of the needled - he slows his heartbeat and sculpts between beats so the slight pulse tremor doesn't affect his work at that scale.  He must sense his heartbeat else wouldn't know if slow enough, or when to make the next move.  Taught himself to use the feedback to control of his heartbeat, to enable what he what he wanted to achieve, no courses, that is hyperfocus + special interest + obsessional thinking all in one

    His websites not working but plenty online about him

    Willard Wigan MBE — Brunswick Art Gallery 

    I didn't know he has done a TED speech so watching that, anyone autistic should watch.       

      

  • I've explained it to several GPs over the years. Their response has always been that is caused by anxiety. However when I went through the assessment for autism they said that such hypersensitivity is an autistic thing. I believe it is called hypersensitive interoception.

    I've had it so long that I don't worry about it, not that I'm aware of anyway. However I still find the sensations unpleasant, especially when I'm trying to sleep and can't distract myself from it quite as well. Whichever side I lay on I'll feel my pulse near that ear and often in my arms and legs as well. On my back I'll feel it more in my back and neck.

    It can get very overwhelming when my heart rate surges in response to unwanted noise or any other trigger. I suspect there may be some subconscious feedback loop in play, one that started at an early age and happens without my being aware or consciously worrying.

    I found an interesting article online. It says that not being aware of the pulse of the heart might prevent anxiety and that there is a specific region of the brain whose task is to suppress it for our own good.

    https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/05/160504121336.htm 

    That part of the brain must not be working properly in my case and may explain why I can never turn off that anxious feeling.

    If I can find some calming sounds that are helpful I will try playing those at night. Hopefully they will provide some distraction from the sensations.

  • You should read up about being aware of your pulse, either hearing or other means, because it causes a feedback loop to the brain - it can be positive for some, comforting, but for others they can react to it and worry its too fast or a heart problem etc., feeds anxiety which makes the pulse faster or even cause palpations which is going to be worrying.  People have to learn to interrupting the feedback, notice or be aware of it, but without the worry - any concerns with the heart are best read about, or see your GP for advice, worrying about your heart rate is like worrying about your driving when driving- much more likely to cause a problem than solve anything.  

  • That is a helpful perspective, thank you.

    I have been focussing on the unwanted noise far too much. Trying to block it out has almost become a new obsessive interest for me. However I have come to the realisation that the approach I have been taking is not working and I need to rethink it.

    I experience exactly what you describe when I use noise blocking solutions, such as ear plugs or ear defenders. Whilst it isn't zero auditory input I soon become overwhelmed by the noise from my own blood rushing and pulse racing inside my head.

    Being aware of my own pulses in my body is something I have experienced throughout my life. I find the only thing that really helps to take my mind off it is distraction, but it still a problem when trying to sleep. 

    I guess what I would consider 'quiet' in the middle of nowhere isn't really silence. The sounds of nature, the gentle breeze, the leaves rustling, the birds, are still there and I am able to enjoy those. I will start looking online for some of those natural sounds.

  • Noise is difficult to avoid, or reduce, its easier to work on tolerating it, by focussing on better things.

    I don't know if you've been to a really quiet place, but the phrase 'the silence is deafening' is fairly true, its not the relief you might expect, and some autistic people struggle with zero auditory input and is disturbing to them. Most people might hear the silence + (quietly) blood following in their ears, and hearing your pulse racing is not good as it can increase anxiety/stress.

    Soft, calm, sounds benefit more than silence, hence rise in ASMR videos, and listening to long natural videos on youtube can help, like mountains streams, its finding ones that don't trigger you at all, many might find babbling water annoying and then it isn't helpful.

  • Murders was maybe an extreme example to use Slight smile  As you say that isn't the case at all, but it can feed the negative way people outside of society norms are portrayed in the media.

    I am trying to take a break from my triggers at the moment. I think I've got to the stage where I've burnt out and can no longer tolerate any noise. That's never going to be achievable, not on this planet anyway. Hopefully I will try venturing out into the world again once the school holidays are over.

  • You say about murders by 'loners/weird' people but much more regularly are murders by people you can't say are loners/weird, so no need to feel judged in that way and just go out as you are and work on being comfortable as you are. 

    Many triggers in life when autistic, and usually no control over any of them, so its living with them as best you can, and make time to have a break from them where/when you can.

  • That is bad and intrusive behaviour by your neighbours. I have had incidents like that where neighbours seem to have taken some sort of obsessive unhealthy interest in my life. At one stage they used to brazenly stand outside and stare in. I had vertical blinds installed on all my windows but I really am not that interesting! Then they installed cameras which face my house. Their presence adds to my feeling that I am being watched whenever I step outside. I think that's partly why I react so badly when a dog barks at me, as the dog alerts everyone in the area to the fact that I am there. I just want to live my life quietly and go unnoticed by others. I consider myself a quiet and considerate neighbour, but I guess they just see weird loner.

    It reminds me of when a murderer is caught. You see the neighbours being interviewed on the TV news saying things like "well he was a loner", "he always seemed weird", "he never went out much", etc. No wonder autistic people are perceived negatively by some people in society. They clearly think we're all some kind of psycho!

    The local kids drive me mad too. They seem to be constantly screaming and shouting, sometimes for hours non stop. I couldn't stand that noise when I was a child myself in the playground and I certainly can't stand it now. Then they set the local dogs off barking when they ride past on their bikes and scooters.

    Why do so many people put those huge trampolines in their gardens? They just encourage all the screaming and squealing. A house near me has a very large garden and they seem to have turned it into a mini theme park for the kids, massive trampoline, zip wire, swings, pool, etc. Just another reason I end up staying inside with all my doors and windows shut. Other people don't understand why it gets to me so much Frowning2

  • That sounds so much like me and reminds me of how I was when in the workplace.

    I no longer work but when I did I used to get so anxious about work social events. I couldn't understand why my colleagues seem to talk endlessly about them and why they actually seemed to look forward to them. I dreaded going, just overhearing their conversations would result in surging anxiety for me. I forced myself to go, as back then I didn't know I was autistic and I thought they would get easier the more I went to. I was wrong and they didn't get any easier. My colleagues would also talk endlessly about the event for days and weeks afterwards, while I just wanted to forget everything about that unpleasant experience. Looking back I wish I hadn't forced myself to go.

    The changes arising from a new job and meeting new people are likely to be extremely overwhelming, even beyond your first day. It used to take me months to process the change and adapt to a new workplace environment. Trying to cope with an evening social event on top of a new environment would be far too much. Can you decline the evening invitation? Continually trying to push yourself beyond your limits can only end badly.

  • or alien prison planet, some advanced alien species decignated our planet to be a prison for those considered beyond any hope for redemption, under no circumstances to be allowed to spread on other planets, because of being to dangerous to other intelligent lifeforms

    because we did not develop a hive mind, they didn't consider us conscious in a first place (idea from Ender's Game)

    so they sentenced allistic for eternity here, and now we are stuck together forever

  • Aliens on the wrong planet...

    or is it more we are natives on the right planet, but pesky aliens have taken over... 

    Something to think about on a fine sunny sunday Smiley

  • Hi! I can relate to this - I've referred to myself as an alien for most of my life, long before I knew I was autistic. It sounds like a difficult situation with the neighbour- I always find it hardest when the other person means well but I cannot cope with it / feel overwhelmed. It would be sad if this stopped you from going outside though. I presume you do not know her very well so explaining to her about your autism might be a bit too much? But maybe you can prepare a few words you can say to explain that you don't have time to talk today? I'm sure she understands that people don't always have time to talk and that could give you a polite way out of having to make conversation- maybe that could help? 

    For me the easiest way to cope with feeling like an alien has been to surround myself with other aliens that I connect to - ie find people with shared interests etc that you connect to. It can be so hard to find such people though. 

    I also feel sad about finding social situations so difficult, especially when it should be something nice- for example recently my colleagues from work organised a surprise birthday party for me which was super kind but I couldn't cope and it took me over a week to recover. I really like some of my colleagues at work but I still cannot bring myself to sit down with them as a group and have lunch with them or even just sit with them (I tried but it is too much for me). I worry they think that I don't like them or don't want to spend time with them which isn't the case- I did explain to one of them eventually about the autism and why I find it so difficult to join- but I don't feel comfortable sharing that information with people that I do not know well- I need to trust someone to tell them about me being autistic. 

    I am now moving on to a new workplace and for the first day they have organised a dinner and drinks out together after work which is causing me massive anxiety as I cannot cope and will be overwhelmed already from meeting so many new people for my first day- it makes me feel weird as it is a very nice gesture to want to welcome me but I don't know how to cope. I'm sorry, I don't think I can help much, I just want you to know that you are not alone! 

  • My neighbour used to do this too over the fence, I hated it so much, the garden should be my private space. They don’t do it anymore because last year I was pushed to the limit by the screaming kids of the kids while I was in the living room at night, one of them was chasing the kids around shouting rahhh really loudly and it went on for an hour, I ended up losing it and banging on the wall and screaming. Well now they think I’m a psycho and she tried to guilt trip me over email. I explained how intrusive it was and she actually apologised but we don’t talk anymore thankfully. However they are still completely intrusive in my space, they installed cameras last year that can see in my back and front garden, they are always climbing up ladders and cutting bits of tree off and looking in my kitchen. Never known anything like it, I’d never be that intrusive into someone’s life. 

  • I tell my friends that I can't talk about something after conversation started because it makes me to emotional and I can't think logically so there is no point in having that conversation in a first place,

    I tell them send me those questions on whatup and I'll answer them later with a calm mind

  • One of my neighbours doesn't say much, so if I am going out for a walk I just say hello and keep going. With those who want to talk a lot I find it hard to know what to say to get away. Maybe you could use your dog as an excuse.

    If it makes you feel awkward, just wondering if it would help if you put a card through their letterbox to explain that you find conversation difficult, so they understand if you just say hello.

    I communicate quite often by writing things down as it gives me time to think what I am going to say.

  • Next time you step outside wear visible ear defenders or over ear headphones. Then your neighbour will assume you can't hear her and hopefully soon give up. 

    I too hate it when something like that happens. I tend to just smile and nod, a problem if what they decide to talk about is not appropriate to smiling and nodding. If I do try to reply usually only one word comes out and often it isn't even the word I meant to say. I desperately want to escape but do not know how to politely.

    I had one neighbour (years ago) who used to pop her head over the fence and try and talk to me whenever she saw me in my garden. I considered it an intrusion, because I was in my own personal space in my garden, and it made me even more anxious about stepping outside. 

    Thankfully that neighbour moved and the others stopped trying to speak to me years ago. I suspect I am now considered very strange by them and treated as such.

  • I reckon it would do you good to read something about being autistic that's not of medical society's origin, 

    autcollab.org/.../

  • Feel like an alien!

    Welcome to the club Alien

  • I would info damp on that neighbour everything about you being autistic and really bad with people, and can't do small talk, and see what happens,

    and if you have speech recognition issue as well than that as well, it's to far to balcony to have meaningful conversation

    I reckon that neighbour is just lonely, and using oportunity for a company, the way allistic do

    and some of them are nosy, the way alllistic do, there is usually at least one in an area like that

    that 'naturally' became a lot easier for me once I stopped trying, from the moment I stopped being interested in an outcome of random encounter,

    it helps if you have a phone in your hand, you can pretend to play a game and go back to it after 10sec silence