Sex within a relationship

We think my husband might have Autism, he is on a waiting list to see someone.

The problem is I have a very high sex drive and he doesn't seem to have one at all. We have been together for 11 years and I always thought things would get better, but they haven't.

Finally today he has said one of the reasons is he doesn't like the smell of me down there, I'm not dirty and I don't notice a smell, so I explained to him that its natural for there to be a smell down there.

I also asked him if there is anything I can do to help him and he said no, he just needs to get over this by himself.

He said he has no idea how he is going to get over it and after always being like this, I can't see how he can just get over it.

I would be grateful for any advice on this.

  • I completely understand what he is going through. In my life, I have ended relationships with people with high sex drives. Being with them was a living hell and felt like living in an abusive relationship.  It's not just the smell of genitalia, but sometimes for me it's also the sight of genitalia that can make me physically sick. In addition, although I may like someone a great deal, the moment they become aroused and start to make advances, it can make me dislike them or even detest them. 

    I'm not sure what to suggest to you both, other than I don't think it's possible to change how we feel about the frequency of sexual activity, because it's not something that is within our control. For me, it's a simple matter of compatibility. I'm either compatible with someone sexually or I'm not.

    I'm just thinking off the top of my head here, but if you both want to stay together, then maybe you can find another outlet for your high sex drive? This would mean you could get your rocks off but leave him alone. Bluntly speaking, it's only the need to orgasm that drives sexual urges, and both men and women can achieve orgasms quite easily without needing the participation of someone else.

  •  I have the opposite problem. I am an autistic man with a relatively high sex-drive, married to a neurotypical woman with a low one. I therefore have quite a lot of sympathy for you. It is an unfortunate  fact that the person in a relationship with the lower sex-drive is effectively in charge of the frequency of sexual relations, frustrating as this is. To address your particular problem, smells can be sources of sensory overload for autistic people; for me triggers include very heavy use of perfume, certain types of perfume and tobacco smoke. If your husband is not triggered by perfumes then lighting perfumed candles might be an idea. Also, a small amount of something like Vick's vaporub under your husband's nose might be effective, as unromantic as that might seem.

  • Thank you for your reply. I do as you bluntly put it achieve orgasm on my own lol, but I want to feel wanted and attractive, I know that's probably very selfish of me. I do try and understand things from his side, but it's so hard.

  • Thank you for your reply, it's good to hear from someone in the same position as me. My husband does like the smells of perfume, shampoo and body wash, but most of the time he will say oh you smell nice and cuddle me and that's where it ends, then it makes things even harder for me, as I think I will get myself all looking and smelling nice and I get really excited and nothing happens, then I will be annoyed as I've gone to all that effort for nothing. 

  • I'll give you my two peneth for what it's worth.

    I've always had a healthy sex drive, either slightly higher or about the same as my long term partners at the time.

    But I did have a time between partners when I went out with a woman with a higher sex drive than me. Happy days you would think! But no. It put me right off.

    Can't explain why, but for me anyway , it doesn't seem to work if the woman has higher sex drive than me.

    I know it's not easy but if you could show less interest, he may show more. Could take a while tho

  • I'm not sure if this helps and it may have nothing to do with how your husband is feeling but sometimes for autistic people there is a lot of expectation and pressure around sex

    I know myself, when me and my wife were first together, the more efffort she made before sex the less I would feel able to do it as I would feel pressure to perform. I'm saying that as someone with a high sex drive. I imagine it could be more so for someone with a low sex drive 

  • You're asking him to do something that you say yourself is hard—change the desire for sex.  That's like expecting someone to be more or less hungry than you, and then getting mad with them because they only want a small meal, or because they want a bigger meal than you. 

    If you want to feel wanted, it has to start with you. You have to want yourself. If you want to feel attractive, then you have to feel attractive to yourself. Everything starts with ourselves. I know the world would tell you otherwise, but the moment we expect or rely upon other person to fulfil our needs, well that's the moment we set ourselves up for pain and suffering. No one but ourselves can fulfil our own needs. 

    The lesson for you is to learn to channel your sexual energy into a more positive, a more creative direction. Fornication is a primitive human activity, and yet it occupies such an exaggerated place in our lives—and is the source of so much misery and unhappiness. Hobbies can be fun, relaxing, challenging, creative, athletic, social, or educational. 

    Of course, there is always the option of an open relationship in which you could work off your extra sexual urges with someone else. I know people do this. It would take the pressure off both of you.

  • Sex is not just about orgasms, it's about intimacy, and all sorts of squishy psychological and other things. A HUGE miservice that our media has done us as a society is to exalt it as a thing in it's own right, whereas it actually seems to be more a product of a lot of other seemingly unrelated things going right. 

    I remember the (horrible) couple next door, who used to shag loudly and enthusiastically (when they weren't making trouble about the sound of my christmas party five minutes after they've moved in, etc.)  But a little later in the night, I'd hear the sound of her weeping... I bet he was sleeping soundly thinking he was "da man"...

    (We had thin walls and I'm a night owl, I really wasn't listening, or particularly interested in their lives, per-se, outside of when they were being oppressive, but I notice what I notice).

    An honest appraisal of your situation can only be made by your hubby. If he masturbates frequently, then it isn't lack of sex drive, it's lack of "engagement" which I've experienced a lot, sadly, and requires a lot of work and motivation to fix. We are taught in the west to simply give up and move on to a new relationship, rather than focus on fixing those problems. 

    A little known generalisation that has just occurred to me and may be true, is that men need to feel "safe" in sex whereas women need to feel safe in everything BUT sex.. "Generalisation" is very much out of fashion these days as a tool for understanding life, and can of course lead to misunderstandings, but it was also a "useful rule of thumb" for much of human history, and can be used wisely if one is kind and gentle with it's application I still feel.

    FWIW, I was taught when I was young, that there is a "magic triangle" of life by the name of Love Sex and Marriage, and that all three sides of the triangle are interdependent. In a long term relationship I find that the "magic and sexual chemistry" ebbs and flows, as does the "love" to be honest, after you exhaust your stock of oxytocin or whatever fiendish chemical it is that causes you to "fall in love".

    Sex if you do it with out love, just becomes a chasing after a high, or for some people (particularly if you look at porn, where the extremes are presented as normal, and the normal presented as "dysfunctional" thus skewing the regular an impressionable viewers expectations in an often unfortunate direction) an olympic challenge. 

    The marriage part is all the hard work that has to go in if living together is to succeed.

    There's more but a bright mind can run with this themselves, and people on the spectrum I believe are often very bright indeed. You sound like an honest person who loves her husband and is working at things, I wish you well, and I'm sure that you and your hubby will find a way to make it work if you just keep working at it. 

    LIfe isn't like Disney sells it very often, at all, is it?

  • Thanks for replying again. Your not the first person to say about a open relationship, my worries are that he would say yes and go along with it to make me happy, but really it would hurt him and I don't want to hurt him.

  • Isn’t it better to light a candle than curse the dark? Isn’t it wiser to change a situation if a person can’t change themselves?

    no one really knows if they smell. We all get used to our own smell. And autistic people often have hyper sensitivities to things like certain smells. If eliminating your body oder, even if it’s not particularly noticeable to normal people, is what it takes to improve your sex life isn’t it worth it?