Published on 12, July, 2020
We think my husband might have Autism, he is on a waiting list to see someone.
The problem is I have a very high sex drive and he doesn't seem to have one at all. We have been together for 11 years and I always thought things would get better, but they haven't.
Finally today he has said one of the reasons is he doesn't like the smell of me down there, I'm not dirty and I don't notice a smell, so I explained to him that its natural for there to be a smell down there.
I also asked him if there is anything I can do to help him and he said no, he just needs to get over this by himself.
He said he has no idea how he is going to get over it and after always being like this, I can't see how he can just get over it.
I would be grateful for any advice on this.
I'm not sure if this helps and it may have nothing to do with how your husband is feeling but sometimes for autistic people there is a lot of expectation and pressure around sex
I know myself, when me and my wife were first together, the more efffort she made before sex the less I would feel able to do it as I would feel pressure to perform. I'm saying that as someone with a high sex drive. I imagine it could be more so for someone with a low sex drive
I'll give you my two peneth for what it's worth.
I've always had a healthy sex drive, either slightly higher or about the same as my long term partners at the time.
But I did have a time between partners when I went out with a woman with a higher sex drive than me. Happy days you would think! But no. It put me right off.
Can't explain why, but for me anyway , it doesn't seem to work if the woman has higher sex drive than me.
I know it's not easy but if you could show less interest, he may show more. Could take a while tho
Thank you for your reply, it's good to hear from someone in the same position as me. My husband does like the smells of perfume, shampoo and body wash, but most of the time he will say oh you smell nice and cuddle me and that's where it ends, then it makes things even harder for me, as I think I will get myself all looking and smelling nice and I get really excited and nothing happens, then I will be annoyed as I've gone to all that effort for nothing.
Thank you for your reply. I do as you bluntly put it achieve orgasm on my own lol, but I want to feel wanted and attractive, I know that's probably very selfish of me. I do try and understand things from his side, but it's so hard.
I have the opposite problem. I am an autistic man with a relatively high sex-drive, married to a neurotypical woman with a low one. I therefore have quite a lot of sympathy for you. It is an unfortunate fact that the person in a relationship with the lower sex-drive is effectively in charge of the frequency of sexual relations, frustrating as this is. To address your particular problem, smells can be sources of sensory overload for autistic people; for me triggers include very heavy use of perfume, certain types of perfume and tobacco smoke. If your husband is not triggered by perfumes then lighting perfumed candles might be an idea. Also, a small amount of something like Vick's vaporub under your husband's nose might be effective, as unromantic as that might seem.
I completely understand what he is going through. In my life, I have ended relationships with people with high sex drives. Being with them was a living hell and felt like living in an abusive relationship. It's not just the smell of genitalia, but sometimes for me it's also the sight of genitalia that can make me physically sick. In addition, although I may like someone a great deal, the moment they become aroused and start to make advances, it can make me dislike them or even detest them. I'm not sure what to suggest to you both, other than I don't think it's possible to change how we feel about the frequency of sexual activity, because it's not something that is within our control. For me, it's a simple matter of compatibility. I'm either compatible with someone sexually or I'm not. I'm just thinking off the top of my head here, but if you both want to stay together, then maybe you can find another outlet for your high sex drive? This would mean you could get your rocks off but leave him alone. Bluntly speaking, it's only the need to orgasm that drives sexual urges, and both men and women can achieve orgasms quite easily without needing the participation of someone else.