Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been in one relationship that lasted 8 months, during which I didn't know I was autistic
Throughout the whole thing I cared about him but I always just felt awkward, and acted awkward. I never really had anything to say, we kind of just sat in silence most of the time watching tv or a movie. I can't make conversation and that is a huge part of a relationship, talking.
I don't think I'll ever be able to have a proper, successful relationship because I'm too awkward and never have much to say, which probably makes the whole thing weird. I loved being in a relationship and really want intimacy, I just don't think I can keep a bond with someone for long because I ruin it with how weird I am. I think I'll end up lonely forever, which I really don't want.
What can I do to stop ruining all my relationships by being awkward and quiet? I don't want to be alone
Relationships are as complex as the diagnosis of asd. There is none the same all you can hope for is some semblance of happiness in your life
Being alone isn't so bad. There are times where it gets difficult, but they pass just like other forms of hunger.
You're hard on yourself, but forgetting that a relationship is two people, so it's nonsensical to blame only yourself. The fact that he's clearly not a saint. That's what my experience of ASD relationships are; we deify the other person, like they were the most perfect person in the world, & ignore all their bad qualities.
You're going to need time, & self - forgiveness before you can look at what happened, properly. Also, one relationship going sour doesn't mean you'll be "lonely forever". You can be that, only if you choose to be.
Yeah, i find it so hard to read people around this. I read something somewhere that explained it. That autists find it hard to process contradictory information, like someone lying. When you flirt you send signals of interest, but at the same time are defended/guarded and so send those signals too. We get confused. Personally I then latch onto the negative signals, I guess cos we're all insecure (that's if i haven't shutdown).
My friends have always been confused that I misread situatiins that are obvious to them. But knowing this, now when i get confused i'm going to tell myself to look at the positives and not the negative signals. And maybe just say something blunt like, "are you flirting with me?"
No problem
Hey,
That all sounds tough, and lockdown is making it almost impossible to meet anyone at the moment, but that will change.
As I've got older things have improved dramatically, especially in my very early twenties. Part is luck at finding the right people, and part is age. I was awkward and just didn't bother with people until I was 21. I'd kind of written myself or them off. I found I was ok 1-1 with older people and developed some nice friendships slowly with them. I'd sometimes meet them with their friends. I'd be mute, but I'd watch, learn, enjoy them enjoying themselves and be happy i had access to people and was included. By 24 I could go it alone. My friendships are still all 1-1, but most of them would probably say I'm lovely. I've learnt.
You're doing fine talking here, so just keep that up. These skills will transfer. You're saying interesting things, being reflective, opening up and being vulnerable, and taking responsibility for your feelings. That's good conversation, and it's what people are looking for.
I'm unsure whether you're just happy being quiet, whether you get anxious about what to say, or you're in overload and shutdown when you're with someone. I'm most happy when I can just cuddle up next to someone in silence. The guy I like, though I've not managed to get together with him, is the same. I still feel awkward not talking sometimes when I'm with him, but it seems to work for us both. You might meet someone else who wants to be quiet, or a chatterbox who's glad to have all the space, or someone you feel comfortable enough that you can grow into talking with.
And weird stuff happens. Roles can change. The guy I like is quieter than me and for the first time in my life I'm centre stage in the conversatiins. He's just happy for me to chatter away and he responds to it. I lead practically every conversation we have. And it's natural for me, he seems to revel in it, and we're both happy. I've never been so content with someone. So even being really quiet can work. Yeah, it's been slow to find and I've no idea if we'll manage to get together. I'm gay as well so the numbers are even more set against me, but matches are out there!
Early twenties are hard for nearly everyone, but things change. Look at how Marianne in Normal People suddenly flourished! And like others have said, you seem to be doing well here.
J, one thing is certain and that is if you do give up trying to find a loving relationship you will end up being lonely. I think it's a question of finding the right person for you who can adjust to your ways and that's often not easy to accomplish. So basically, don't give up and keep trying because while you are looking for someone there is always hope.
That’s reassuring thank you :)
I think you might find it easier as you get older I was practically a mute until my mid 20’s
Damn a lot of creepy people out there
I'm currently at college and it's all online, so struggling to start up friendships in person along with the loneliness of everything being online has definitely been making things difficult for me. I got a message from someone who was also autistic who had seen one of my tiktoks and I was so excited to talk to someone new but he ended up just being one of those super sexual guys that just wanted nudes or to hook up which is absolutely not my thing
Yeah I do that too it’s hard being autistic I don’t know how to even go about flirting I find it hard to read people.
I'm not even sure I know how to "look" for someone. Say I walk past someone I find attractive, then what? Realistically I'll walk away with my head down because I don't want to start something with someone that will probably not like the way I am lol
u are fine at conversation see u later
Oh yeah I'll add more to my bio now, thank you
I think also I might try making online friends? Even if I don't meet them irl it should help me with conversation skills and make me feel a bit less lonely
Damn he sound horrific sorry you had that happen to you what a sick f***
u just to fine a man who has similar interests or political views so you can talk about thise things OR sometimes oppostes attract each other which has always interested biologists.
are you working ? do u like art, music, the color pink ?
put these details into your bio so more peple here will talk to you. Talking is all about practise and how to play up to egos.
if u meet a man u like and u cant think of anything to say just keep saying
"thats interesting"
"your great" " I like u " "your funny"
also see if you can find Active Listening tutorials ---- i was trained by a Bot in Active listening !
Yep that's exactly how I feel, I was called weird throughout school because I as quiet when really, I just didn't know how to talk to people. It definitely has caused problems in my relationships.
Not to get too deep here but I genuinely think I shouldn't even try to be with anyone because I'm too difficult and I don't want to put someone I care about through the trouble of being with me
That's a good idea, thank you
I also think I might just have to accept the fact that I won't ever be 'normal' in a relationship, however I also know that if I find the right person they will try to understand
Hello J don’t worry I’m in the same boat as you I’m 34 and never had a proper girlfriend I’m starting to think I’ll end up alone too hopefully I’m wrong I’m super awkward around people and can’t think of anything to say.