I think I'm unloveable

Hey,

That all sounds tough, and lockdown is making it almost impossible to meet anyone at the moment, but that will change.

As I've got older things have improved dramatically, especially in my very early twenties. Part is luck at finding the right people, and part is age. I was awkward and just didn't bother with people until I was 21. I'd kind of written myself or them off. I found I was ok 1-1 with older people and developed some nice friendships slowly with them. I'd sometimes meet them with their friends. I'd be mute, but I'd watch, learn, enjoy them enjoying themselves and be happy i had access to people and was included. By 24 I could go it alone. My friendships are still all 1-1, but most of them would probably say I'm lovely. I've learnt.

You're doing fine talking here, so just keep that up. These skills will transfer. You're saying interesting things, being reflective, opening up and being vulnerable, and taking responsibility for your feelings. That's good conversation, and it's what people are looking for.

I'm unsure whether you're just happy being quiet, whether you get anxious about what to say, or you're in overload and shutdown when you're with someone. I'm most happy when I can just cuddle up next to someone in silence. The guy I like, though I've not managed to get together with him, is the same. I still feel awkward not talking sometimes when I'm with him, but it seems to work for us both. You might meet someone else who wants to be quiet, or a chatterbox who's glad to have all the space, or someone you feel comfortable enough that you can grow into talking with.

And weird stuff happens. Roles can change. The guy I like is quieter than me and for the first time in my life I'm centre stage in the conversatiins. He's just happy for me to chatter away and he responds to it. I lead practically every conversation we have. And it's natural for me, he seems to revel in it, and we're both happy. I've never been so content with someone. So even being really quiet can work. Yeah, it's been slow to find and I've no idea if we'll manage to get together.  I'm gay as well so the numbers are even more set against me, but matches are out there!

Early twenties are hard for nearly everyone, but things change. Look at how Marianne in Normal People suddenly flourished! And like others have said, you seem to be doing well here.

J, one thing is certain and that is if you do give up trying to find a loving relationship you will end up being lonely. I think it's a question of finding the right person for you who can adjust to your ways and that's often not easy to accomplish. So basically, don't give up and keep trying because while you are looking for someone there is always hope.

u are fine at conversation  see u later 

Oh yeah I'll add more to my bio now, thank you

I think also I might try making online friends? Even if I don't meet them irl it should help me with conversation skills and make me feel a bit less lonely

u just to fine a man who has similar interests  or political views so you can talk about thise things OR sometimes oppostes attract each other which has always interested biologists. 

are you working ? do u like art, music, the color pink ?

put these details into your bio so more peple here will talk to you. Talking is all about practise and how to play up to egos.

if u meet a man u like and u cant think of anything to say just keep saying 

"thats interesting"

"your great"    " I like u " "your funny"     

also see if you can find Active Listening tutorials ---- i was trained by a Bot in Active listening !

That's a good idea, thank you

I also think I might just have to accept the fact that I won't ever be 'normal' in a relationship, however I also know that if I find the right person they will try to understand 

u can have a conversation using text here pretty well u're not boring I can feel your character . So next time u meet a man u want  arrange texting and IMing sessions between you even when sitting close by.  How does that sound J  ?

I'm assuming you said you have an idea? If that's what you meant then definitely I'd love to know it

GP didnt really know ,,, he asked why i thought ihad social anxiety, i listed the symptoms and he refered me for an initial assessment  then a formal observed asessment and then a feedback meeting months later. "You are autistic", "definitely"   i was in shock   because i knew autisn was way more serious as u know.  I think i have an idea, do u want to know it ?

oh yeah, I went a few times to my GP about anxiety, the autism was never picked up on until I thought myself that I might have it. Thanks to my dads insurance from work I was able to go privately and get a diagnosis that way. Did your GP pick up on your autism? or was it a therapist or someone else

i told u i went to my GP thinkin i had social anxiety  and came back with an autism dignosis just like you.

now respond to that .......  ( u now say "wow thats amazing just like me"  then follow with a question ) do it write your reply to me now its fun just this once 

The social anxiety tips were useful, sorry I wasn't detailed enough with my response, I forget you only see what I type, not what I think while typing

She gave me ways to talk to new people I had never spoken to before as that was what I thought I struggled with, little did I know that I struggled with conversations in general, not just introducing myself, so the tips only help me get past the first meeting, and I struggle throughout the relationship, friendly or romantic

i read it years ago ..... yes i would say yes  only  3 quid in abebooks  ---  could pick up some tips .... 

what did i tell u about me just above ?

No I haven't, I have heard about it though, is it really helpful?

not going to believe this but i went to my GP thinkin that I had social anxiety and with a bit of training i would be moving forward I cme back with autism 

surely the training for social anxiety is useful stuff to know  ........ ????

have u read  the book "How to influence people and make friends " ???

I've been to many a therapist and councillor, my last one was good as she focused on starting conversations etc but again, it was before I was diagnosed or even suspected to be autistic so it was all social anxiety based which doesn't really help now I know what the real issue is

quite a hard think to fix --- u would need to learn how to conduct  conversations.

have u tried anything in the past ?

I don't want him back, I think I was looking at him with rose coloured glasses and now looking back he wasn't a good boyfriend. He sexually assaulted me twice, which is another reason I don't want to get back with him. I just loved having someone I guess

I think that's what ruined it, the conversations. it was my fault and I think I'll always be the problem in all my relationships unless I magically fix it

No I don't think so, I suspected it a couple times and his dad is, but I don't know