Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been in one relationship that lasted 8 months, during which I didn't know I was autistic
Throughout the whole thing I cared about him but I always just felt awkward, and acted awkward. I never really had anything to say, we kind of just sat in silence most of the time watching tv or a movie. I can't make conversation and that is a huge part of a relationship, talking.
I don't think I'll ever be able to have a proper, successful relationship because I'm too awkward and never have much to say, which probably makes the whole thing weird. I loved being in a relationship and really want intimacy, I just don't think I can keep a bond with someone for long because I ruin it with how weird I am. I think I'll end up lonely forever, which I really don't want.
What can I do to stop ruining all my relationships by being awkward and quiet? I don't want to be alone
Hey,
That all sounds tough, and lockdown is making it almost impossible to meet anyone at the moment, but that will change.
As I've got older things have improved dramatically, especially in my very early twenties. Part is luck at finding the right people, and part is age. I was awkward and just didn't bother with people until I was 21. I'd kind of written myself or them off. I found I was ok 1-1 with older people and developed some nice friendships slowly with them. I'd sometimes meet them with their friends. I'd be mute, but I'd watch, learn, enjoy them enjoying themselves and be happy i had access to people and was included. By 24 I could go it alone. My friendships are still all 1-1, but most of them would probably say I'm lovely. I've learnt.
You're doing fine talking here, so just keep that up. These skills will transfer. You're saying interesting things, being reflective, opening up and being vulnerable, and taking responsibility for your feelings. That's good conversation, and it's what people are looking for.
I'm unsure whether you're just happy being quiet, whether you get anxious about what to say, or you're in overload and shutdown when you're with someone. I'm most happy when I can just cuddle up next to someone in silence. The guy I like, though I've not managed to get together with him, is the same. I still feel awkward not talking sometimes when I'm with him, but it seems to work for us both. You might meet someone else who wants to be quiet, or a chatterbox who's glad to have all the space, or someone you feel comfortable enough that you can grow into talking with.
And weird stuff happens. Roles can change. The guy I like is quieter than me and for the first time in my life I'm centre stage in the conversatiins. He's just happy for me to chatter away and he responds to it. I lead practically every conversation we have. And it's natural for me, he seems to revel in it, and we're both happy. I've never been so content with someone. So even being really quiet can work. Yeah, it's been slow to find and I've no idea if we'll manage to get together. I'm gay as well so the numbers are even more set against me, but matches are out there!
Early twenties are hard for nearly everyone, but things change. Look at how Marianne in Normal People suddenly flourished! And like others have said, you seem to be doing well here.