Published on 12, July, 2020
So, I managed to get along to the much anticipated monthly Aspergers/HFASD social group in my town this evening. The group itself was not really for me to be honest, largely due the the fact that I was the only female there. I don't of course have any issue with men it's just that men and women relate to each other in different ways and it would have been nice if the group had had a few other women that I could talk with. However, while I was there, one of the support workers who works there popped her head in the room an hour into the meeting and asked if she could have a chat with me in another room. She said that when woman do turn up to the group she had been asking them if they have considered starting up a facebook group for women with Aspergers/ASD in the local area with a view to facilitate social meet ups, as this was a much needed service as many women, like myself didn't feel that the 'official' social group was their cup of tea. She'd had no joy prior to me but I was happily able to say, well actually I have been planning to do exactly that and already have half of the planning for it done on my laptop. I'm so excited that I've decided to bite the bullet and get the group up and running tonight and tomorrow as not only will this create a useful resource for myself but it is clearly a much needed resource for other omen with Aspergers/ASD in my area. It was such a happy coincidence to have met that support worker this evening and it really gave me a lot more motivation and encouragement to just ignore my fears and just go for it with regards setting up the online group. A productive evening!
That’s good ~ you’ve recognised it. This journey isn’t about being perfect, it’s about recognising those traits, such as feeling responsible for others, and saying, ok, what do I do about this?
We don’t ignore them, far from it, but neither is it a negative. It’s a way forward. We can gently challenge our beliefs. Such as, I have to be there for everybody ~ is that true?
The best advice I can give, and this is helping me right now, so I’m going to build it into my daily routine, and it’s meditating, of one kind or another. Such as, I just discovered podcasts and I found one with beautiful mantra chanting to beautiful music. Mantra’s are very powerful, and I’ve noticed that I have so much going on right now, like you, that I need to find a way, to give myself space and time every day, for time out. Where I’m not thinking or planning or learning or anything else. A way to begin to gradually, over time, learn to switch my mind off.
I had this down to a tee at one point in my life, for a sustained period of time, so I know I can do it again, and if I can do it, so can you. We don’t want to burn out but we don’t want to give in either.
Meditation doesn’t happen over night, it happens by repeated daily practice. I’m setting myself a daily discipline/practice, to do 5 minutes meditation a day. This is a huge drop from what I used to do, which was twice daily, for 70 minutes each time. But I have finally accepted that I need to build back up to that. I’ve had a total burnout, so I have to begin again, gradually. I am starting small, micro bites, with everything and building up, gradually. So with exercise, I’m going to start with 5 minutes also.
Meditating/closing the mind off is a really important part of our lives, especially because of our very active minds. So, make sure you start building in daily practices that are going to support your new life and take your time. You’re doing great. You’re already doing a service for all these people, they’ve got a part to play as well. This is as much for your growth as it is theres. You must look after you too.
And yes, you’re going to feel shaky. It’s how you meet that, that counts. Meet it with loving kindness and know that it’s only a temporary state and one we must go through, to meet our next stage. It’s learning how to respond to it that counts, because it will likely return with every new stage, so we might as well make friends with it. It’s ok to feel shaky and perfectly natural and normal. This is why we learn to self soothe. Find out what you like to do to unwind. Such as relaxing baths. Soft music. Colouring. Art work. Jigsaws. Whatever it is, build it into your day. You deserve it and you’re doing great. Be proud of yourself. We might not be quite where we want to be just yet, but we are a fat sight further forward than we were 12 months ago X
Thank you BlueRay for your kind words, I really needed them as I’m feeling a bit shaky at the moment. I’m really positive about the group but trying to manage everyone else’s social anxiety as well as my own is challenging. I mean no one is asking me to manage their social anxiety but I can sense when someone else is very socially anxious and then I feel a bit responsible for their social anxiety and feel anxious that I’ve contributed to it by doing something wrong. But no, you are right, I did nothing wrong. Everyone just all has their own stuff going on.
Ditto.
When you see those thoughts coming up, such as, what did I do wrong etc, you simply say, with love and kindness ~ nothing, I did nothing wrong, all is well and all is good because it is. It’s a wonderful new world. I’m just taking my time with it all.
Keep us updated.
Thank you, I'll keep you posted :-)
I do feel a bit like everything is happening at once for me too, since getting my diagnosis. It's like all of a sudden this whole new world, world that I didn't realise I was part of, has been opened up to me and I've just kind of dived in head first and I'm fully embracing it :-)
I have a couple of meet ups scheduled for my group already so feeling really positive but I'm also finding that my social anxiety is increasing since interacting with more people. Like I message someone and they immediately go offline, so I'm thinking what did I say? what did I do wrong? oh wait, they have ASD too, ok try. not. to .worry and breath!
You're really lucky that you come from a big family BlueRay, it must be comforting to know that you have their back up and support. I don't come from a big family, I have no siblings, I don't see my mum nor do I intend to, my dad and my grandparents are all dead, I see my uncles occasionally and I have a cousin that I meet up with every so often. I sometimes wish that I had a big family, my husband does, including half siblings he has 8 brothers and sisters (that's just being greedy if you ask me!) but it has made me self reliant and resilient. The only person that is going to look after me is me.
Yeah, definitely, and we're really good friends. He always looks out for us (he's my son's father) and even when he's in prison, like he is now (He's doing 30 years I think), he knows exactly what's going on in our lives. My son used to hate it, but I'd got used to it by then, and now my son has got used to it. He'd never do a thing to hurt either of us and he only looks out for us to make sure we're ok and yes, he can still sort people out, even when behind bars.
Coming out of burnout is crazy. It's the most amazing experience, but after two years of laying on my back, everything is happening at once. But I've got good support and I'm just taking my time and enjoying every step of the way. I'm a bit behind with my course work but I simply need extra time to process stuff, so with that in mind, and everything else that's happening, I think I'm doing great.
Yeah, these groups take on a life of their own, they need only spring from a well of goodness and yours did and so will mine, if I start one, and that's all that matters. It's necessary for our personal growth and development for us to interact with others who are like us. You'll be amazed at the benefits that keep on coming.
Really well, they love me. They finally realised, after seeing how I corrupted all their friends, that it was me who was corrupting all the other guys I had been hanging out with, not the other way around, so there was no point trying to keep me away from them and they began embracing my friends as well. I tell my family that I bring interest to their lives! ;) I've lived with both my brother and sister, several times at different times, and just like everybody else, they always end up kicking me out but they still love me, we still get on. We've got a big family and we're close and I'm definitely the odd one out but they all quite like to follow what I get up to and they all wonder where I came from! No wonder I thought I was an alien! Lol! But they all back me up, even when I'm in prison, they have never turned their backs on me, even if they couldn't have me living with them at times.
i guess in some ways it's good to have a gangster ex then, to ward off unwanted advances from amorous men?! I might go to the local Aspergers group again. it might be good for me to have a safe space where I can just be me. How are you doing with the coming out of burnout thing? I'm sure your group will be great once you have the time to get it up and running properly and Thankyou :-)
LOL! how do you get on with your brother and sister now?
Honestly, they loved it! My sister was horrified! I saw two of them today in fact, two sisters, they're going to come on my course when I start with it. They have many stories to tell, or not tell, of their crazy time with me. My brother used to be amazed because I don't come from a family of criminals and drug addicts but that's all I knew and they used to try and keep me away from those people, but I just used to corrupt all their friends! It was so funny.
I hate it when I write a whole post and then it just disappears! I'm amused that you got your sister's friends high, I probably shouldn't be but I am :-)
Ha, I wrote a whole post here and then it disappeared. All I was saying, is yeah, good point, re:aspie women, but I find they still do a form of reciprocal conversation and I just don't talk about anything they talk about. I've never had a female friend and I've always been in a gang, even from before I started school. The only time I had female friends was when my sister took me out with here when I was trying to get clean, but all I did was get her friends high! Lol! I like women and I look like one but I don't know, maybe because I'm not used to them but actually, strike that, they talk about stuff I have no interest in.
Well done that sounds like a great idea, Cant wait to hear how you get on, good luck!
Few men or women would dare to try it on with me. I would knock you out for just trying to pay me a compliment. My friend, who was a real fighter, used to go crazy at me saying I was gonna get him and the boys beat up because of how aggressive I was towards people. And because I was in a gang, if anyone ever came near me, they (the boys) would crowd round me, and it's like you had to speak to them to get to me. And if people weren't scared of me and my boys, they were scared of my ex. He's a gangster and if you tried to go out with me, ever, he would beat you up and put you in hospital or worse! Apparently, it's a thing! So I don't have that problem. If anything, men are scared of me and like I said, if not me, then my ex, because everybody round here knows him, he was on a tv program called Britains most wanted, enough times and people round here, like that kind of thing. And wherever I go actually, I think I give off a don't try and be nice to me vibe! Lol! And I just don't pick up on the signs, ever! As far as I know, I've never even been chatted up in my life, but strangely enough, everyone, including my sister, thinks I'm a man magnet! I think, are they mad! Where do they get their ideas from. But maybe because I don't look for it either. I'm one of those weird people who loves being by myself so have never been interested in a relationship, so I guess that's why I wouldn't recognise it either.
But that's fabulous about your group. I love it and knew it would be a success but not so quick! Well done. You sensed a need and one that you could fill
I know what you mean about unleashing the beast within though. Even though I was a drug addict and not an alcoholic, I couldn't attend NA (narcotics anonymous) meetings, because all I ever wanted to do was be off with the guys, getting up to some mischief or just hanging out, because all I had been used to, for all my life, was being the only girl in a boy gang and I was always totally protected by them and they were all I knew. So instead, I had to get clean in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and their program is more appropriate for me as it's much stricter. And there are fewer of my type of boys for me to cling to.
Since I started my course, I haven't been to my group. It's a classic case of autism obsession, which I'm learning to navigate and I'm going to force myself to go to my group tomorrow, because I need to.
I love the idea of the Facebook group. Sadly, that wasn't received too well at my group but that group is what it is, and I love it for what it is. It's been perfect for me.
And as for my own group. That will happen when it happens. I'm only just coming out of burnout and not even out of it and already I'm looking up flights. I don't know where to go first and I thought I was going to stay around here for a while! So I can't make any plans for my group because I don't know where I'll be living. I'm kind of itching to get back to Bali, so I might settle for a quick break there then get back here and finish what I started, but I don't think I will. I think I'd like to at least get out of burn out! Bingo! There it is!!! Thank you! Of course I need to be well out of burnout before I jump on a plane. Thank you. And the very best wishes for your group, not that you need them, it's going wonderfully well already. I hope your super proud of yourself X
Is that with regards to neurotypical men/women or fellow ASD men/women?
Ah but the fabulous thing about fellow Aspie/Autistic women is that they don't tend to do the touchy feely nicey nicey stuff as they can't stand it either :-) I think I'm a good balance though of being in touch with both my feminine and masculine side. Also, I've done the few years completely withdrawing from everyone socially phase, that was my chrysalis stage now I'm doing the butterfly stage :-)
Thank you. I've been making myself conquer/ignore my social anxiety since last summer and just do stuff! it seems to be paying off :-) I hope you can find the courage to go to your local group.
Thank you. How are you doing post diagnosis?
Usually I do find men easier and less complicated than women but I don't have any difficulty talking with Aspie/Autistic women. I used to have a lot of male friends when I was in my late teens and early 20's, as I do generally find men easier to get on with, but they always used to get the wrong idea and start trying it on with me so I decided to just stick to being friends with women. I think unfortunately when I'm friends with guys, I manage to unintentionally give the impression that I fancy them, when I don't. So I figured that it was less hassle to stop making male friends.
I think another reason that the group made me feel a bit out of my comfort zone was that I can be a bit uptight but if I'm truely honest with myself, the way some of the guys were being, a bit loud and a bit inappropriate, I have that side to me too, I just try to keep a lid on it, I guess maybe I'm worried that if I were to start attending the group each month that it might unleash the beast within, so to speak!
The good news is that my own facebook group for women in my area went live today, I already have a few members and my vision for this group is that it can be used as a platform for members to get together socially as well as chat online. So I'm going to start trying to arrange get togethers that people can attend if they wish once a month/fortnight, depending on people's needs and response. I'm feeling really positive about it all :-)
How's your group going?