Published on 12, July, 2020
So, I managed to get along to the much anticipated monthly Aspergers/HFASD social group in my town this evening. The group itself was not really for me to be honest, largely due the the fact that I was the only female there. I don't of course have any issue with men it's just that men and women relate to each other in different ways and it would have been nice if the group had had a few other women that I could talk with. However, while I was there, one of the support workers who works there popped her head in the room an hour into the meeting and asked if she could have a chat with me in another room. She said that when woman do turn up to the group she had been asking them if they have considered starting up a facebook group for women with Aspergers/ASD in the local area with a view to facilitate social meet ups, as this was a much needed service as many women, like myself didn't feel that the 'official' social group was their cup of tea. She'd had no joy prior to me but I was happily able to say, well actually I have been planning to do exactly that and already have half of the planning for it done on my laptop. I'm so excited that I've decided to bite the bullet and get the group up and running tonight and tomorrow as not only will this create a useful resource for myself but it is clearly a much needed resource for other omen with Aspergers/ASD in my area. It was such a happy coincidence to have met that support worker this evening and it really gave me a lot more motivation and encouragement to just ignore my fears and just go for it with regards setting up the online group. A productive evening!
That’s great news Kitsun. It’s funny though, because even though I’m female, I wouldn’t go to a group with only women and while I have started to talk to the women at my group, I always sit with the guys and I’ve only ever met with the guys outside of the meeting. I’ve rarely had female friends as I don’t relate to women in the same way as I do men. I make friends easily with men but I don’t really have much time for women.
But I'm thrilled for you. One of the things I love about my group is that we go out once a month for something to eat and we’re kind of starting with monthly activities as well although I love our weekly group as well. It sounds like you’ll set up a similar thing for you and your new friends ~ I know you’ll attract them. Just stick with it,if it feels a bit slow at first, not that it will but if it does, give it time.
The great thing is though that you faced your fears and that means, you can do that again, when needs be.
Best wishes to your new group. That’s one more opening for autistic people to get together :)
Usually I do find men easier and less complicated than women but I don't have any difficulty talking with Aspie/Autistic women. I used to have a lot of male friends when I was in my late teens and early 20's, as I do generally find men easier to get on with, but they always used to get the wrong idea and start trying it on with me so I decided to just stick to being friends with women. I think unfortunately when I'm friends with guys, I manage to unintentionally give the impression that I fancy them, when I don't. So I figured that it was less hassle to stop making male friends.
I think another reason that the group made me feel a bit out of my comfort zone was that I can be a bit uptight but if I'm truely honest with myself, the way some of the guys were being, a bit loud and a bit inappropriate, I have that side to me too, I just try to keep a lid on it, I guess maybe I'm worried that if I were to start attending the group each month that it might unleash the beast within, so to speak!
The good news is that my own facebook group for women in my area went live today, I already have a few members and my vision for this group is that it can be used as a platform for members to get together socially as well as chat online. So I'm going to start trying to arrange get togethers that people can attend if they wish once a month/fortnight, depending on people's needs and response. I'm feeling really positive about it all :-)
How's your group going?
Sort of although never do things just happen and always do they happen because of choices we have already made. We live in a world of cause and effect. Everything that happens has a cause. So you can make the best of things or you can find the cause and change things at that level so they never happen again and then commit to creating only good things in your life. But certainly we must accept things as they are otherwise we are arguing with reality but we can still change the future.
Yeah I think I hear what you're saying. Sometimes things happen that may not be what we would have chosen to happen, but rather than stewing on it, it's better, if we are able to, to make the best of that situation. I think that's something that I already try to do.
I’m not always reflective or even if I am I still have many many blind spots, that’s why I need the regular, weekly, close support of a support worker.
But yeah, definitely, ‘struggle’ is a choice but we don’t always realise that. For example, my sleep pattern is all over the place at the minute, so I can either ‘struggle’ when it’s 3 in the morning and I’m still not asleep, or I can say, well I’m awake, it might not be my first choice of how to be at this time in a morning but this is how it is, how can I make the best of it? It takes practice and patience but over a relatively short space of time, you can definitely learn to not struggle :)
Thank you BlueRay. You're a very reflective person, more so than I am. I like the idea of being able to choose not to struggle, to be able to experience an experience without struggling so I'm going to go and contemplate how to achieve that, probably for far too long!
All Christians, at least good ones, meditate, only they usually call it prayer. It’s the same thing. Communion with your maker.
All effects, problems, or whatever you want to call them, have the same single cause ~ a belief in seperation, that we are separate from our maker.
Everything ‘is’ ok, there is no such thing as a ‘bad’ day, unless you say it is. A day is a day is a day. If you say it’s a bad day, then so it is but if you care to look a little deeper, you’ll find there is no such thing as a bad day. And of course it doesn’t make the struggling any better, only stopping struggling will make that better. Stop struggling. It’s not obligatory, it’s optional. You can experience the experience through struggling or you can experience it without struggling. I know which I prefer. But it’s a choice we all have to make and I understand some people like struggling. So if you do, carry on, but if not, just stop.
Thank you BlueRay, I'm lucky that I'm quite a reflective person and at 38 I know myself a lot better than I did when I was younger, so I usually can recognise what I feel and what's causing it, sometimes after a few days of refection but I get there in the end :-) My personal stance when I'm experiencing negative things is to reflect on them a lot to work out why I am feeling it, what has caused it etc and once I have worked all that out then I can usually turn a negative around into a positive by using my reflections to make positive change.
Your advice regarding meditation is good, especially given that, as you say, our minds are very active. I've considered meditation on many occasions but I've always shied away from it as I know some people who believe that it's not in line with Christian Theology, what are your thoughts on that?
I know that everything will be ok and sometimes we have to go through bad times in order to come out the other side a better, stronger person, it doesn't make the struggling phase any better though. Finding self soothing activities is a good idea, I really like making jewellery and I've been doing more of that lately. Yeah I feel like I've developed so much in the past 12 months!
Thank you again for taking the time to respond, it really has helped :-)
That’s good ~ you’ve recognised it. This journey isn’t about being perfect, it’s about recognising those traits, such as feeling responsible for others, and saying, ok, what do I do about this?
We don’t ignore them, far from it, but neither is it a negative. It’s a way forward. We can gently challenge our beliefs. Such as, I have to be there for everybody ~ is that true?
The best advice I can give, and this is helping me right now, so I’m going to build it into my daily routine, and it’s meditating, of one kind or another. Such as, I just discovered podcasts and I found one with beautiful mantra chanting to beautiful music. Mantra’s are very powerful, and I’ve noticed that I have so much going on right now, like you, that I need to find a way, to give myself space and time every day, for time out. Where I’m not thinking or planning or learning or anything else. A way to begin to gradually, over time, learn to switch my mind off.
I had this down to a tee at one point in my life, for a sustained period of time, so I know I can do it again, and if I can do it, so can you. We don’t want to burn out but we don’t want to give in either.
Meditation doesn’t happen over night, it happens by repeated daily practice. I’m setting myself a daily discipline/practice, to do 5 minutes meditation a day. This is a huge drop from what I used to do, which was twice daily, for 70 minutes each time. But I have finally accepted that I need to build back up to that. I’ve had a total burnout, so I have to begin again, gradually. I am starting small, micro bites, with everything and building up, gradually. So with exercise, I’m going to start with 5 minutes also.
Meditating/closing the mind off is a really important part of our lives, especially because of our very active minds. So, make sure you start building in daily practices that are going to support your new life and take your time. You’re doing great. You’re already doing a service for all these people, they’ve got a part to play as well. This is as much for your growth as it is theres. You must look after you too.
And yes, you’re going to feel shaky. It’s how you meet that, that counts. Meet it with loving kindness and know that it’s only a temporary state and one we must go through, to meet our next stage. It’s learning how to respond to it that counts, because it will likely return with every new stage, so we might as well make friends with it. It’s ok to feel shaky and perfectly natural and normal. This is why we learn to self soothe. Find out what you like to do to unwind. Such as relaxing baths. Soft music. Colouring. Art work. Jigsaws. Whatever it is, build it into your day. You deserve it and you’re doing great. Be proud of yourself. We might not be quite where we want to be just yet, but we are a fat sight further forward than we were 12 months ago X
Thank you BlueRay for your kind words, I really needed them as I’m feeling a bit shaky at the moment. I’m really positive about the group but trying to manage everyone else’s social anxiety as well as my own is challenging. I mean no one is asking me to manage their social anxiety but I can sense when someone else is very socially anxious and then I feel a bit responsible for their social anxiety and feel anxious that I’ve contributed to it by doing something wrong. But no, you are right, I did nothing wrong. Everyone just all has their own stuff going on.
Ditto.
When you see those thoughts coming up, such as, what did I do wrong etc, you simply say, with love and kindness ~ nothing, I did nothing wrong, all is well and all is good because it is. It’s a wonderful new world. I’m just taking my time with it all.
Keep us updated.
I do feel a bit like everything is happening at once for me too, since getting my diagnosis. It's like all of a sudden this whole new world, world that I didn't realise I was part of, has been opened up to me and I've just kind of dived in head first and I'm fully embracing it :-)
I have a couple of meet ups scheduled for my group already so feeling really positive but I'm also finding that my social anxiety is increasing since interacting with more people. Like I message someone and they immediately go offline, so I'm thinking what did I say? what did I do wrong? oh wait, they have ASD too, ok try. not. to .worry and breath!
Yeah, definitely, and we're really good friends. He always looks out for us (he's my son's father) and even when he's in prison, like he is now (He's doing 30 years I think), he knows exactly what's going on in our lives. My son used to hate it, but I'd got used to it by then, and now my son has got used to it. He'd never do a thing to hurt either of us and he only looks out for us to make sure we're ok and yes, he can still sort people out, even when behind bars.
Coming out of burnout is crazy. It's the most amazing experience, but after two years of laying on my back, everything is happening at once. But I've got good support and I'm just taking my time and enjoying every step of the way. I'm a bit behind with my course work but I simply need extra time to process stuff, so with that in mind, and everything else that's happening, I think I'm doing great.
Yeah, these groups take on a life of their own, they need only spring from a well of goodness and yours did and so will mine, if I start one, and that's all that matters. It's necessary for our personal growth and development for us to interact with others who are like us. You'll be amazed at the benefits that keep on coming.
i guess in some ways it's good to have a gangster ex then, to ward off unwanted advances from amorous men?! I might go to the local Aspergers group again. it might be good for me to have a safe space where I can just be me. How are you doing with the coming out of burnout thing? I'm sure your group will be great once you have the time to get it up and running properly and Thankyou :-)
Few men or women would dare to try it on with me. I would knock you out for just trying to pay me a compliment. My friend, who was a real fighter, used to go crazy at me saying I was gonna get him and the boys beat up because of how aggressive I was towards people. And because I was in a gang, if anyone ever came near me, they (the boys) would crowd round me, and it's like you had to speak to them to get to me. And if people weren't scared of me and my boys, they were scared of my ex. He's a gangster and if you tried to go out with me, ever, he would beat you up and put you in hospital or worse! Apparently, it's a thing! So I don't have that problem. If anything, men are scared of me and like I said, if not me, then my ex, because everybody round here knows him, he was on a tv program called Britains most wanted, enough times and people round here, like that kind of thing. And wherever I go actually, I think I give off a don't try and be nice to me vibe! Lol! And I just don't pick up on the signs, ever! As far as I know, I've never even been chatted up in my life, but strangely enough, everyone, including my sister, thinks I'm a man magnet! I think, are they mad! Where do they get their ideas from. But maybe because I don't look for it either. I'm one of those weird people who loves being by myself so have never been interested in a relationship, so I guess that's why I wouldn't recognise it either.
But that's fabulous about your group. I love it and knew it would be a success but not so quick! Well done. You sensed a need and one that you could fill
I know what you mean about unleashing the beast within though. Even though I was a drug addict and not an alcoholic, I couldn't attend NA (narcotics anonymous) meetings, because all I ever wanted to do was be off with the guys, getting up to some mischief or just hanging out, because all I had been used to, for all my life, was being the only girl in a boy gang and I was always totally protected by them and they were all I knew. So instead, I had to get clean in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and their program is more appropriate for me as it's much stricter. And there are fewer of my type of boys for me to cling to.
Since I started my course, I haven't been to my group. It's a classic case of autism obsession, which I'm learning to navigate and I'm going to force myself to go to my group tomorrow, because I need to.
I love the idea of the Facebook group. Sadly, that wasn't received too well at my group but that group is what it is, and I love it for what it is. It's been perfect for me.
And as for my own group. That will happen when it happens. I'm only just coming out of burnout and not even out of it and already I'm looking up flights. I don't know where to go first and I thought I was going to stay around here for a while! So I can't make any plans for my group because I don't know where I'll be living. I'm kind of itching to get back to Bali, so I might settle for a quick break there then get back here and finish what I started, but I don't think I will. I think I'd like to at least get out of burn out! Bingo! There it is!!! Thank you! Of course I need to be well out of burnout before I jump on a plane. Thank you. And the very best wishes for your group, not that you need them, it's going wonderfully well already. I hope your super proud of yourself X