People are stressing me out!

...and it's ok to care more about results rather than people and because you know that, you can gear your conversations with him around results rather than anything else. Different things are important to all of us and they change over time and at different times. It sounds like you have managed it very well, like I did, which I don't regret, but it got the better of me. However, that was my situation and it worked out well for me. Instead of pitying him, why not send him love and do more to support him and see him as an equal, but somebody who of course puts more importance on things that you don't, and that's perfectly ok. I bet if you spoke to him more in his language, the language of results , he would pay more attention to your language, the language of people. Sometimes we have to take the first step. He's not to be pitied because he likes results, humanity wouldn't evolve if we didn't have people who were driven by results. The world needs all kinds of minds and if you walked a mile in his steps, you too would value results more over people. We don't know why he does but it's not our place to judge him for it and if anything, lets celebrate results driven minds, along with all other kinds of minds. 

Sounds like a healthy way forward :-)

Good luck and I hope things go more smoothly now that you've expressed your needs...

A x

Are you saying that your career is more important than your health and well being? That you are prepared to work under a boss who you say bullies you and who you say will never change?That you are prepared to work at a workplace that is useless at understanding human rights? With a boss who challenges and not supports you, when you have a meltdown? Because if you are, it must mean an awful lot to you, so the only thing to do is to change your attitude to it. 

Hi BlueRay,

My job did used to mean everything to me and I enjoyed it, but as my health deteriorates I am finding it harder to  take pride and enjoyment in my work.  I also know what it is like to be out of work and trying to survive on dead end jobs.  I lost my house in the past due to this and ended up homeless, so having a good salary coming in is a god send to me and I value it every day -I worked damn hard to pull myself out of poverty and progress, but I am just finding it harder to cope. 

My type of work is notorious for having to work with very dominant characters as well, so no matter where I work, I will always face these types of people, who tend to be very selfish in their ways.

I always put people on an equal level when I meet them - it all depends on their actions and personality on how my opinion of them changes.  My boss puts on a very false front, so if anything I pity him rather than dislike him and I do question his ethics on occasions, but will happily discuss this with him to get his side of the discussion rather than just outright judge him for it.  I have paid him compliments in the past and I empathised with some of the situations he has been in, but I also know deep down he only really cares about results rather than the people that achieve them, so I always know we will never agree on things and have very different perspectives on things.

Hi Anna,

I am looking at ways we can spend a bit more time a part so I don't feel quite so smothered to see if that helps with things.  The reason we have ended up living together more is due to me not being able to drive due to health reasons, so to make getting to and from work easier, I am living at his house.  I then go back mine at the weekends and my partner comes with me as he gives me a lift.  I have suggested I spend time on my own at the weekend, but I could tell that this hurt him as he sees it as me pushing him away.  I think with time he might understand that I am not pushing him away, I am trying to make our time together better and more valued.

Sounds tough! I hear ya...is there any way you can live separately? Cohabitation doesn't work for everyone... just do what works for you and look after yourself. Thinking of you, Anna

Are you saying that your career is more important than your health and well being? That you are prepared to work under a boss who you say bullies you and who you say will never change?That you are prepared to work at a workplace that is useless at understanding human rights? With a boss who challenges and not supports you, when you have a meltdown? Because if you are, it must mean an awful lot to you, so the only thing to do is to change your attitude to it. 

For example, cultivate an attitude of good feelings towards your boss. For example, everytime you see him or think of him, think of at least one genuine compliment and compliment him on it and refuse to see him through the perspective of him being a bully. If you stick with this, I guarantee that not only will your whole attitude towards him change and you enjoy work so much more, but he will also change. 

I read an example of this recently, but can't remember where. If I remember where, I'll let you know  because it's a great example. This woman had got to the stage where she couldn't bare to hear her boss breathe and she couldn't bare to look at his ties. She had come to hate everything about him. It might have been in a book by Byron Katie, 'Loving What Is' as that's the most recent book I've been listening to.

I appreciate I have rights, but my workplace is useless at understanding them.  They look at me and think there is nothing wrong with me.  Just recently my boss has said he isn't happy with me working from home when I feel too overwhelmed as it is seen as having special treatment.  My boss also challenges me when I have had a shutdown/meltdown and I say I need to work from home as he always turn it around so that it is my fault for not managing things better.  To summarise he is a bully and won't change.  I could take things further, but it would cost me my job in the long run and could damage my career.  As much as I have rights, they won't really help me in this instance as the end result will mean I have to search for a new job and I have job hopped too much really for that to be an option at the moment.

This sounds like a really good idea and good compromise overall.  I am the opposite from your partner in that I cannot deal with visual clutter - it exhausts me trying to take it all in and process it.  However, I can relate to everything having its place and this is down to how my mind works when I want to locate something.  I can only find things by specific locations that I have memorised due to nit being able to spot things when there are numerous items to look at.  If something is moved, I then have to process everything visually just to try and find something.  This is both exhausting and anxiety triggering.

I spent some time at my house alone today and I felt loads better and relaxed.  (I would like to stay at my house more but can't due to health and transport arrangements).  Even silly things like the walls being a calming colour instead of the bold strong colours at my partners house, really help.  The problem I have is that it is his house and I think he would feel like I am cutting him off a bit if I took over a room and locked myself away in it.  I might have to approach the subject carefully.

Martian Tom said:

I would, for instance, prepare a capsicum by slicing it in half, discarding the seeds and stalk, and using the rest.  She would just take slices off, like an apple - then throw the rest away, wasting sometimes half of it. 

That's just ridiculous!  Why on earth would you throw good food away?  This is a real sore point with me and I always do everything to minimise food waste.  My partner has got better over time on this, but he does have a habit of putting things in the fridge and then forgetting they are there, despite numerous reminders from me - it always has to be food that I can't eat as well or else I would just use it up myself.

Your last partner sounds like a total nightmare and incredibly selfish and controlling.  I think you did the right thing to break away.

I am lucky in that my partner isn't like that - he is a good man and helps me loads, which is why it bothers me that I get so wound up about these things.

Good point.  Just thought I'd add a link to the Equality Act 2010 where you can check out the relevant info...

Equality Act 2010

Starbuck said:

There has been a lot of change and workloads have increased but to make things worse I have been criticised for not being socialable and networking better with my colleagues. To top it off, it now seems like everyone wants regular meetings with me or take me out to meet customers, when all I want is to be left alone to just take a bloody breather.

Hi Starbuck, at least with the issue above there is something concrete and practical available to you, in that employers have an obligation to make "reasonable adjustments" under the Equalities Act 2010. Criticising you for not being sociable is diametrically opposed to that ethos! It's like asking a short person to be taller! Have you given them any feedback to their criticism & demands?

Hi,

My partner and I used to get into massive rows over these sorts of things he had strict ideas on how things should be done and if we didn't fit that routine then his explosive rage would show itself.

Problem was I couldn't do things like keep the house how he wants as he has so much stuff from so many projects there is physically nowhere to put the normal household stuff! And God help me if I move or touch his stuff! 

It was us researching asd for our daughter that solved it he realised that in all likelihood he is undiagnosed asd and that was what was causing the self-imposed rules that I kept unknowingly breaking. 

We set up a 'man cave' for him which he unwinds in own TV my laptop the home sound system and I don't touch anything in there it is his space, I wind down in the living room he winds down in there. When he wants to he sits in front room or I will sit in kitchen adjacent to his space where he can talk to me if he wants while still retaining his space. It has really helped reduce the stress, we do still argue over mess but I'm physically limited and keep pointing out that it's his stuff in the way so when he moves it I will sort the rest so far it's not as bad 

Is there anyway you could set up an area for yourself at your partners that is purely for you?

You need some time out from everyone - you said it. Your only job now is to figure out how to get that time out, or intend you will get it, know you will and follow the lead of your instinct and it will lead you there. If you don't give yourself what you need, can you blame others for not giving you what you need either?

Hi Starbuck,

I feel for you and wish I could offer some constructive advice.  I've only cohabited twice in my adult life, and both times I struggled because of differences in the way we lived.  My ex-wife, who I was with for almost five years, was more understanding - but we still fell out over stuff like cleaning, food preparation, etc.  Even stuff as silly as the way we prepared salads.  I would, for instance, prepare a capsicum by slicing it in half, discarding the seeds and stalk, and using the rest.  She would just take slices off, like an apple - then throw the rest away, wasting sometimes half of it.   It seems tiny.  Miniscule.  Petty.  But if I retrieved stuff from the bin because it wasn't completely used, she'd get upset and there'd be arguments.  With my last partner, it was 18 months of hell.  Everything had to be done on her terms - even though it was my flat, and I paid the rent!  She wouldn't do chores, yet she was untidy and careless.  She moved all of my furniture out of the living room and replaced it with hers.  Same with the pictures on the walls.  She left the bathroom a mess.  She refused to see reason on anything.  I did everything.  She would even complain if I didn't want to watch a film when she wanted to, or have a take-away when she wanted one.  I was simply glad when she was gone.  Cohabitation requires a lot of understanding and compromises, and both sides have to accept that and accommodate it.  I'll never do it again.

Do they know about your condition at work?  Are they open to discussing adjustments?

Sorry.  I'm not much help, I know.  But I know how it is.

People just don't seem to understand.  It's why I now minimise contact with them as much as possible.

I hope you can find a way forwards through this.  Hang in there.

Keep talking.